An Inside Journey

So because of his work schedule and cricket practices Kshitij does not get time on the weekdays to talk and also he's been a very quite and distant for over a few months now.

I called him and said that he was talking to his family. Later he went to a park with his friend and only called me back because i wrote him ‘I miss our friendship....’

I once told him ‘I’ve never craved for a friendship as much as I do for yours And you’re just toooooooo busy n in your new thing to see my efforts’ 

I have attached the chat of the past 4 weeks for clarity, and in between I called him a few times and he didn't respond to any of them.

On Friday [jump day] I called him thrice and even texted him- he didn't reply.

Next day, he was online- I called him twice, he didn't pick and the third time he cut the call and didn't respond in any way whatsoever.

I told him not to snap me anymore, and he didn't.

A few days later I told him that if he wants he can, and he did. Then after sending him the last text I removed him from snapchat. The silly I am, two days later I added him and sent him a snap again, he reverted back but the next day he didn't send one on his own and so did I.

I thought the last message I sent him was too harsh, but the fact that I did try to reach out to him on several occasions and ask him if he's fine, which he never replied to doesn't mean I can't be rude like him. All of it made me feel like I am begging him for little help- just because he doesn’t know my situation he acted that way. And this time I did not want to give him benefit of doubt.

I was very angry with him when I saw him dancing on the side streets with them, in one of the girls videos. And that was not the only one. I was upset that he didn’t tell me that something like this happened. He has never been very open about his life and things, but I expected him to tell me that such a thing happened.

In between the conversation I said to him ‘I hate you’, he didnt respond and asked ‘kya bola, awaaz cut ho rahi hai’, I replied ‘suna toh hai tune’, he admitted and said ‘aesa kyun bola? dance kara isliye you hate me?’

It hurts that he couldn’t have been like this with me, the dancing, the enjoying, the laughing, the smiling; all he was with me was quite, khoya-khoya and neglected and dedicated.

I was always sweet and nice to him, but not anymore. I can't dwell into this one guy. He was always my primary and go-to friend. But he always had someone else to fall back on, be it Ankit, pratik or later Priyank. He had a circle of three friends but for me he was my only friend I had which is what makes things difficult.

He never got serious for me and expected the same from me. Initially I wasn't and was merely “vulnerable” which gradually got out of my hands. I got used to his presence in my life and of him being there, talk to me and meet me.

We were at two different places, always.

After he went to Cambridge I regretted not going to drop him at the airport because as Veer singh pratap in love aaj kal said “ye jaane se peel milna zaroori hota hai”. He said it few times that he would come back to Belfast to quit his work at KFC or to even meet his friends or whatever reason which gave me a hope that this is not the last time I am seeing him.

When on 9th February we said that we were over each other, which in the moment I was, I did not know how much I was hurt much until the next evening when I was with Suvyeksha and Waleed watching a movie and I wanted to cry. The next afternoon I did. I heard a song and cried to myself, A LOT. Hoping this would be the last, but little did I knew that this was the beginning. I was hurt and yet I continued to talk to him. I didn't tell anyone and not even Ananya about it for the next few days. We still talked to each other like how friends would. Before going back to India I visited him to Cambridge. He stayed with me for all the six nights, not because he had feelings for me but may be because he didn't wanted to be alone and a major reason being sex. He seemed very fine and casual about it, as always.

All this while I was still talking to you coz I thought you needed a friend. But I don’t think you value me that way anymore. I try and give you company but you don’t seem to care for the fact that I take out time and sometimes go out of my way for you. Call me or text me if you ever feel like, trust me I’ll always be there for you. I think I know you enough to say that you won’t call me again. So ya, bye! -17 April 2021.

I told some of it to Pallavi, Ananya and Kartik. Pallavi told me to be careful and not sleep beside him next time I go there. She also said that I like to drink with them rather than Arshia and Nidhi because of what all happens after it. Ananya asked me talk to him about it, I cant, toooo shy to bring it up. Kartik told to slowly and steadily confess my feelings.

They have changed my life. The former two have done it more so by making me feel like home with them and at their own place. They’ve invited me to eat at their place so many uncountable times like- when Kshitij was sick, after Dublin, Kadhai paneer, chicken, Aanchal’s birthday, Priyank’s birthday, after Uri, during Bala, during Rang de Basanti and many more that I cant remember. They make me feel so good and so loved.

It’s a house. Build of bricks and cements and not a home build of love and care.

Just today I came from a two week stay at my grand mums place in Delhi, for my internship, to have a weekend at my place. And the moment I entered my house my attitude and everything changed. I did not like being there and in that scenario. With my mother asking me for water and what to eat, I was just pissed off. Reason? Maybe because my friends were not ready or cared to meet me! Then in the night there was a huge fight because of me. And my father went all MAD. He shouted. He was angry. He has bad throat because of that now. And it a started because I was talking rudely to my mother. But I never got the feeling to love her or to care for her. Why? Because I have so much of built up emotion and *hatred(?)* for her coz she never seems to care for us or hear us, from the beginning (or the time I remember).

My Maami’s influence on me this time has not been good. She has always been so caring and loving towards her children which I never saw at my house, ever in these 22 years. But her own personal relation with her in-laws is not what it should be. My nani didn’t knew that I’ll be coming to stay coz she Maami didn’t tell her and due to landline not working my mum couldn’t contact her. Also I have realised that Maami and nani hardly talk to each other and even in the kitchen nani cooks for nanu and herself and Maami cooks for her kids, husband and now me.

But it’s not just today. It’s been always that my attitude and my personality changed as soon as I enter my house. I get this repelling and I don’t want to be here feeling. And today I’ve realise, or come to think of it, that this REALLY needs to change. Not just for me but for everyone else around me too. I have so much of bottled up emotions and pain that needs to be said out loud but apparently there is no one here to listen to them so may be writing them is the best possible way.