GIVE YOURSELF A REASON

it's because her face is plastered all over school, on missing person posters.

but if she's here, in the library, then they must've found her, right? it was a little strange that no one had taken the posters down, but she hasn't seen mr. south around lately — maybe he was sick, or something? and surely the police had better things to do than take down posters for a girl they'd found.

“hey, i'm sorry,” ava says, biting her lip nervously. “i know we don't know each other that well, but i'm glad you're back. evveryone was really worried about you.”

MAUDE APATOW as LEXI HOWARD

"well, sometimes mr. martin has a point." emphasis on sometimes, in cathy's opinion. for as much as the chemistry teacher tries to say they have the same goals, that they both have the students' well-being in mind, he didn't always act like it. pushing them too far, seeming to disregard their concerns, dismissing anyone who didn't immediately get on board with his line of thinking.

casey feels bad, the kind of feeling-bad that makes her guts feel like they're made of jello. how that works when she's been legally dead for years and doesn't actually have any guts to speak of, she has no idea.

“yeah, i... i'm sorry,” she manages. “i just... i didn't know what to do.” and so she'd run from gemma, left her alone to die, seizing on the side of the track.

she can't look at gemma as she talks, scuffs the floor with a flip-flop. sometimes she wishes she'd died in something — anything! — else. the damp tee shirt and gym shorts don't afford her much in the way of protection from the world.

does it have to be cowardice for it to hurt her ?

she was dead anyway, body scorched from the inside out, heated to an unsustainable point that she couldn't be pulled back from. still, she stands across from casey, expecting more words to come. or even tears. she just stares at someone still too afraid to look at her now.

NORMALLY, THE HEAT of Rhonda's anger would burn hot enough for Elly to mold herself into whatever shape would navigate the situation best. Optimizing behavior where clarity didn't exist became an ingrained habit. Self-mutilation started with the voice, adjusting phasing and cutting out all the parts that made her honest in exchange for safety.

Elly listened without formulating or trying to fix before the feelings could permeate. There was no course correction this time. Tears flowed from Rhonda's face and the words poured from Elly's chest at the same time. "You are more than a convenient option," she said.

"Maybe he came to you because you are someone he wanted to see before he went. You and Maddie. You're the two people he actually sought out. He was scared but he loves you," she stated like a fact rooted in her gut. "Both things can be true even if it doesn't make things better. Like I know—I know this is a good thing and he got to do it his way but I don't feel happy or sad, I just feel like he left."

"yeah, maybe." she all but spat the word. it would've been a lot easier to decipher if she could just fucking ask him. no bullshit, no lies, just two people who could duke it out for real and make sense of shit before they went their separate cosmic ways. "because you're right. don't get soft about it. he did leave. that's now how this is supposed to go. he left us to figure the rest of this out ourselves." some leader. some friend.

she was jealous. spot between eyebrows creased, bafflement and frustration. "you don't want that." that being a familiar, bitter resentment. the sting of a child left at the bus stop, not necessarily angry at the other kids, but envious. not quite sure yet how to be angry at the parent that left them sitting there in the first place.