Casual league at life.

Revelations 16:3

I WAS gonna do something for the iron lung release day but SOMEONE. Had to release it two days early.

(Post it again, sorry but Tumblr hashtag doesn’t see it otherwise^^’ )

Inspired by this post XD

AHHH OMG?? Robert as Victor, the straight-laced kinda boring guy, and Chad as Emily who's been waiting for his groom all these years.

other bs versions under the cut ✂️ I dunno I LIKE RAINBOWS 🌈

He can handle iron mantles.

But give him a boyfriend who rubs warm fingers into his back during flare ups, tests the latest recipes on him every day, insists on spoiling his dog with bubble baths and handmade bathrobes, and he doesn’t know how to pilot that.

Except maybe just take pictures of Flambae in the morning.

When his smile lines relax and his hair inks every inch of the pillow.

When he has Beef snuggled under his chin, and his eyes screwed shut, unhappy with sunlight breaching the blinds of his apartment. Their apartment.

“Bob-Bob, don’t take my picture. My hair isn’t done.”

Robert loves his voice in the morning. The way it’s soft and smoked out and crackling with good rest. He squeezes Beef to his chest and half heartedly tries swatting Robert’s phone.

“Yeah, cause you woke up 5 minutes ago. Also, you’re using Beef as a pillow. I AM taking a picture. Let me look at you.”

He likes those pictures the best.

When Flambae finds out about them, confusion knits his brows together

It’s just him.

Singing while getting ready in the bathroom, making shaving cream beards on Beef.

Snoring on Robert’s patchy sofa with drool slipping from his mouth.

Him with the team, mid cackle, mouth smeared with burrito sauce.

Or him in the morning, with his hair an absolute mess and free and getting his smiling face lapped at by that sentient baked potato.

“Why do you only have bad pictures of me?”

He’s playful about it, when he asks Robert. Whiny. Because it kinda scares him. Because he remembers how comfortable he felt in those moments.

And Robert will shrug. And he’ll do what he’s good at. Tell it like it is.

“I don’t know. I like it when you look like you.”

Robert can’t outrightly say ‘I think you’re beautiful and my hands don’t know how to hold beautiful things.’

And Flambae can’t say ‘I think you’re the only person I ever want to look at me’.

Flambae: Should we be concerned?

Robert: Nah, puberty-induced baby angst. She'll brood in her room until she gets hungry. I used to be like that with Chase too

Flambae: Bitch, this makes it even more concerning! Have you seen yourself? You aren't an example of healthy behavior!

Robert: Oh, my own husband? Striking me like that? I'm wounded! I mean, you aren't wrong, but did you really have to be so blunt?

Absolute perfection, taking the most important parts of the Mecha Man legacy- the power source and the future of it- is more of a punishment than killing Robbie.

I feel like Robbie, Mr. Father Of The Year, would notice the astral pulse is missing first and not even think of Robert. He doesn't realize Robert's gone until he's looking for the pulse and he notices how empty the house is all of a sudden.

He makes a missing person report because that's what you're SUPPOSED to do, but he considers finding the pulse way more important than finding his son. Besides, he already suspects who took them, it's just a matter of finding the suspect to get them back.

How many bastard babies did this guy have running around! From orphanages to still living with their moms!

tbf Robert strikes me as someone who had safe-sex drilled into his head at a young age - mostly to prevent STIs and villainous illegitimate offspring (Robbie was very firm on the matter).

One of his gut responses to Invisigal telling him about her sex dream is "I hope I wore a condom." So he has safety in mind.

Depending on his "equipment", he could have a different means of protection in place.

However, he's still reckless at times.

In the "Toxic Baby au" for example; sleeping around with a certain Red Ring lieutenant equals a pregnant Robert.

Sleeping around with people as an AMAB person however?

He wrapped up like a sandwich. He ain't risking it!

Even if he assumes the Astral Pulse nuked his nuts, Robert knows all it takes is a fertility charm or a broody villain to end up with his own squad of Mordreds.

There would be ONE exception though...

Robert thought "ex-foe I put away" would be a good lead to finding info on Shroud, but the fire-wielding arsonist knew nothing. He was going straight ("But not like that.") into heroism - Phoenix Program you know?

Robert had effectively seduced the ex-villain enough that he went "ah, fuck it" and rolled into bed after him anyway.

There was one major speed bump though.

Fire powers + protection = broken rubber. Robert seriously weighs his options.

Flambae: "Look Bitch, you want melted latex in your pisshole? Cus I'm happy with either." Robert: "Alright, you made your point. No risks on your end?" Flambae: "My body nukes any invaders. Don't worry about it."

(*note: Flambae didn't realise he wasn't 100% pregnancy proof. He'd been told in past medical screenings that his higher body temp would kill off any sperm cells/embryos. So he though he was infertile.)

Leads to this sort of situation.

Robert awakes from his coma to see; a pissed-off fire hero holding an almost-newborn baby. Beef is nearby, clearly spoilt beyond measure.

Flambae: "Mashallah, it's a miracle. Your normie dick broke through my fiery defences."

Robert, so very confused, and on pain meds: "Oh word?"

Mecha Man reveal happens a Lot earlier in this situation.

The only reason Flambae doesn't torch Robert right there in the hospital room is One: he looks too pathetic rn, Two: waste of good dick, and Three: He makes adorable babies.