Dajah Renee

Here ya go. The smartass Rare Beef Bo Tai Chahn Vietnamese salad recipe, because people have asked me, which is weird because I consider myself to be a champion of the anti-food post movement. This recipe is a shameless conflation of several different recipes, edited for easiest preparation by the lazy. ------------------ Time you need: 1-24 hours (that's not a typo, this can take as long as you want it to take). Shit you need: - 1 giant can/bottle of pineapple juice - like 8 limes - fresh basil, chopped - fresh cilantro (including stems), chopped - chives, chopped - shallots, sliced super thin - garlic, diced - ginger, shredded - 1 jalapeno, finely diced - lean steak, sliced thin - fish sauce (gross) - sugar (optional) First take care of the steaks because they should sit around for a while: 1) Dump all that pineapple juice into a shallow pot and bring it to a boil. Yeah, you like that, pineapple juice? Fuck yes you do. 2) Juice all those stupid limes and put most of it in one container. You want enough juice and a big enough container to cover all the sliced steak, which will be soaking in it. 3) Put the rest of the lime juice into another dish and throw it in the fridge or something. We'll be coming back to that. 4) Blanch those tiny little steak strips. I throw them in a wire colander and swish it around in the pot of boiling pineapple juice for about 5 seconds, then I dump them in the container full of lime juice, because fuck those steaks. Sit in some lime juice and think about your future, steaks. It's the citric acid which "cooks" these pieces so do yourself a solid and put this in the fridge for as long as possible. I usually leave it overnight. 5) When your steaks are thoroughly saturated and you're ready to continue, it's time to cook them shallots. Slice them thin and throw in a pan with the garlic and some coconut oil and let that shit cook while you make your salad. 6) Remember that other dish that's got the lime juice in it? Time to make salad dressing, bitch. Add in the shredded ginger and diced jalapeno. Add only a little bit of fish sauce because that shit's nasty but it is somehow imperative that it be included in every dish of asian persuasion. Add some sugar if you think you'll want to cut the jalapeno spice and/or lime tart. Mix it all up. Throw it in the fridge. 7) Chop and combine the basil, cilantro and chives into one bowl. Do this last. You do not need your salad sitting out all goddamned night while your steak soaks in lime juice. 7) Combine all of these things and shove them into your face. Boom. You're welcome.