Ghost

Everything was ok, even though it was hard. On my nightstand by my bed sat the picture frame with the pictures of me and Jisung in it. It was one of the last things I looked at when I went to sleep, and the first I saw when I woke up in the morning. It was good to have it there, and one of our selfies was my lockscreen too, so I always got to see him, even if I couldn’t. 

I had listened to the new album on repeat since it had come out, and it was also a constant reminder of Jisung and that even though I missed him very much, he was doing the thing that he loved the most, which made me happy. My favorite track was simply called “Everything,” which was a sweet ballad about love and how much the people you love become your everything. It was simple and sweet, with beautiful vocals from all of the members, even the rappers. It brought a smile to my face every time I heard it. It was one of the only things keeping me going though the world tour. 

The other thing was my almost nightly facetimes with Jisung, and then randomly in the middle of the day facetimes to adjust to the timezones of where he was. He was reading books for me, and I was listening to the songs he recommended, and we had facetime movie nights together. 

It was Friday night and I was having one of those facetime calls with him. They were finishing out the tour with three more shows in Seoul, and then he would finally be done. I couldn’t wait, I missed him so much and it felt like we had spent a million years apart. It had been closer to one and a half, but it might as well have been a million. 

“Hi, Jisung,” I said into the phone, smiling because of how silly he looked. 

The show had just ended, and he was back in his apartment, hair pulled back in a headband so he could do skin care and then go to bed. We had talked when he did this a lot, and my camera roll was full of screenshots of it because I thought he looked so cute. 

“Hi, love,” he said as he washed his face, “how was your day?”

“It was normal, me and Seo-Yoon went to the tteokbokki place for dinner, and now I’m doing this. How was the show?” 

He leaned out of frame to rinse off the face soap, but tried to answer so all I heard was him trying to speak through the water. I laughed at him, and when he reappeared on screen he was pouting. 

“Why are you laughing at me, I was simply saying how the show was amazing and I can’t wait for the last night. It will be almost perfect.” 

“Almost,” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He was speaking in the same tone he did when he had a surprise for me, the same voice when he had spent flowers for my birthday, the same voice when he recruited Seo-Yoon to set us a fancy facetime dinner for our 6th month anniversary, and the same voice he did when he sent me packages of things from the countries he visited on tour. 

“Well it would be perfect if you were there, which is why I bought you a ticket! I couldn’t get anything super special, but you will be on the floor and pretty close,” he said sheepishly. 

“Not anything special? Jisung, that is amazing, I have wanted to see you perform for so long,” I said, not being able to believe that I’d be able to see him as soon as tomorrow. 

“I really wanted to be there for the final show, it’s so special to close out the world tour in Korea, and it will be even more special because you’re there. I’ll have my manager send over the tickets as soon as possible. Bring Seo-Yoon too, as a thank you for all the stuff she has helped me set up for you.” 

“I will, she will be so happy to go, she loves you guys. Just be ready because she will probably try and get you to set her up with all the other members,” I said, playfully rolling my eyes. 

“I am so ready for that, she has brought it up every time I had talked to her,” he said with a chuckle. 

There was an awkward silence as we both thought of my slightly insane best friend who would do anything for me and Jisung, but also would not give up on teasing him about single kpop idols. 

“I can’t believe I’ll get to see you again tomorrow after so long,” said Jisung, his face turning pink through the screen. 

“I know,” I said, “I felt like the time apart would never end, but it is over. We should do something to celebrate, find a way to go on a sneaky vacation or something. I want to see America, or maybe somewhere in Europe.” 

“That can be arranged,” Jisung said, turning even more pink. 

“I know it sounds crazy, but I’m nervous,” I said. 

“Me too,” he replied, suddenly looking as nervous as I was sure I looked. 

“I don’t know why, we have seen each other basically every single day,” I said, trying to logic a way out of my feelings. 

“Plus,” he said, “I’ve missed you so much, I think it’s excitement getting confused.” 

“I think," A yawn interrupted my train of thought and Jisung laughed. 

“Maybe we should hang up love,” he said, “tomorrow will be a long day so you should get some sleep.” 

“Ok,” I agreed, and it was my turn to pout, although I was just teasing him. 

“Hey it’s just one more sleep until we see each other again, and it won’t be through a screen. Goodnight, [Y/N]. I will see you tomorrow at the show.” 

The screen switched from Jisung’s face to a black screen and I smiled happily. I finally was able to see him again, in person, after so long, and getting to see what all that time apart had been for. I plugged my phone in and curled up under my blankets to go to sleep, knowing it really would be one more sleep before I got to see him again. 

“I can’t believe we are going to this concert,” I said. It was the next day, and I was sitting on a chair in the bathroom as Seo-Yoon did my makeup. 

“I know, your boyfriend is really sweet,” she said, hand on my chin examining the eyeshadow she had just on me, “I wish I had a partner who paid for me to go to concerts.” 

“Well it helps when your boyfriend is the one in the concert,” I pointed out. 

“Yeah yeah,” she said with an affectionate eyeroll. 

She copied the eyeshadow on my other eye and then pulled back to admire her handiwork, before handing me a mirror so I could see. 

“What do you think? I thought the red, black, and white matched the outfit and the concept.” 

I looked in the mirror and was surprised, bright makeup wasn’t the norm for me, but Seo-Yoon managed to make it accent my natural features and not overpower them. 

“It looks really good, I don’t know how you do it,” I said. 

She just shrugged and kicked me out of the chair so I could french braid her hair with red ribbons intertwined in them. We laughed and talked while I braided her hair, talking about what surprise encore song we wanted and how excited we were to see the concert outfits from other stays. I wasn’t a massive concert goer, but whenever I got dragged by Seo-Yoon to one, I always wanted to see everyone's outfits because of just how fashionable everyone was. 

Seo-Yoon was wearing baggy black cargo jeans and a sheer red lacy top with a black top underneath it, and I was wearing a black pleated skirt with one of the jerseys available as merch, with Jisung’s name on the back hanging over the skirt. I had also worn platform boots, deciding to sacrifice my feet for the ability to see over the crowds. I had a pair of sandals stashed in my concert bag for after, which I learned from Seo-Yoon. 

We finally left for the concert and the drive, walk to our seats, and the build up was a blur. My heart was pounding and my ears were ringing with anticipation. All I wanted was to see the person I loved do the thing he loved, and then get to be with him after. 

When the lights in the stadium went black, the screens lit up, and the first song started playing, I might as well have completely blacked out. All I could remember was Seo-Yoon gripping my hand, and smiling so much I felt the muscles in my face start to hurt. I danced and sang my heart out, holding tightly on Seo-Yoon the whole time. I also didn’t take my eyes off Jisung, the other members were amazing obviously, but I couldn’t look away from him. I swear he was performing extra because he knew I was watching, he was dancing so hard, jokingly flirting with the camera, and opting up on notes Seo-Yoon he would never opt up on. It felt like I was receiving my own personal concert. There may have been thousands of other people in that stadium and 7 other people on that stage, but as far as I was concerned, it was just me and Jisung alone in that stadium. 

This daze went on until the encore, where I finally let go of Seo-Yoon and sat down for the first time. I couldn’t believe I was here, but it was amazing. I sat there spacing out until Seo-Yoon pulled me up to my feet and whispered that the encore was going to start. Just as I stood, I froze in place. I could recognize the opening chords of “Everything” anywhere. At that moment, tears sprang to my eyes. I stayed still, unable to move as the members stood there and performed my favorite song. It probably didn’t actually happen, but I swear during his part, Jisung’s eyes found mine. 

When the song ended and they jumped into the festival version of their title track, I was still wiping tears from my eyes, and leaning into Seo-Yoon’s shoulder as she swayed to the music. When it was finally over, we both cheered and screamed so much I knew neither of us would be able to talk the next morning. The guys left the stage, and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself, and clearly no one else did either because it took forever for fans to start to file out. As we were leaving, my phone vibrated. 

Jisung: I am sending a security guard to come get you and find a way to bring you backstage, I cannot wait to see you 

[Y/N]: Ok, I can’t wait 

We wandered around the venue for a while trying to look normal, and eventually a security guard came up to us when the coast was clear and led us down through tunnels and back hallways until we ended up back where the artists go before and after the concert. 

I heard his voice before I saw him. It didn’t matter though, I had already dropped my bag on the floor, and sprinted as well as I could in the platform boots I was wearing. I crashed hard into him, wrapping my arms around him tighter than necessary and refusing to let go as I breathed him in and started tearing up for the second time that night. He immediately reciprocated, also basically strangling me with a hug and resting his forehead on my shoulder. 

I don’t know how long we stood wrapped in each other's arms, 5 minutes, 5 years, it didn’t matter because I was back where I belonged. Jisung eventually pulled back and kissed my forehead, then my lips, before pulling back further and just holding my face in his hands. I leaned into it, and eventually he whipped the lingering tears from my face with thumbs. 

“Hey,” he said. 

“That’s it,” I teased, “No I missed you, no I am so glad to see you?” 

He laughed, “I missed you so much you don’t even know. I don’t know if I could put it into words if I tried.” 

“I miss you too.” 

I hugged him again, but not for nearly as long. I let go and took his hand as he introduced me to his band members, and it struck me that it was the first time I was meeting them, and I wondered how much they had heard about me. I also introduced Seo-Yoon to them too, and she turned oddly shy, it was funny to watch her interact with them. They were all really kind, and seemed really supportive of my relationship with Jisung. 

Eventually me and Seo-Yoon were ditched so they could change out of their concert outfits and take off their makeup. When they came back out it was time to say goodbye, which was probably the hardest thing I had done. I had just reunited with Jisung and it felt like I was immediately being ripped from him again. Seo-Yoon went to wait with the security guard who was going to escort us out, and the rest of Stray Kids went to wait by the door to give us some privacy. 

We turned to face each other, and I was hit with an overwhelming sense of sadness. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” I said. 

“I know. But I am back in Seoul for at least a couple months. I plan to spend as much of that time with you as possible,” he said, smiling sadly. 

“I really missed you,” I said, feeling like I couldn’t form any other thought than that and “Don’t leave.” 

“I missed you too. I never want to spend that much time apart again. I thought the time we spent apart was hard. That was nothing compared to this,” he said. 

“It was, back your back now, so we should focus on that.” 

Jisung pulled me into another hug, it felt like he couldn't bear the small distance between us anymore. 

“I never want to see your face through a screen like that again,” I said, knowing very well that I would, because this is what Jisung loved to do, and I loved him, so I would make all the sacrifices in the world for him to be happy. 

“You won’t have too, not for a long time.” 

We both looked up at the same time, and I reached forward and kissed him deeply. It started slow and gentle, but quickly turned needy, desperate and fast, like all the yearning of the past year and half was transferred into the kiss. One of his hands sat at my hip and the other was holding my back, and mine rested on face, moving up slowly to tangle into his hair. His eventually ended up at the same place, tangled in my hair. 

I ended the kiss for oxygen's sake, and settled for holding hands facing each other again. Jisung seemed to finally realize how much time had passed and tightened his grip and started to say goodbye. 

“I will text you first thing tomorrow,” he said, “I am working with the company to get that vacation you mentioned scheduled. We will go somewhere private where people are discrete and be alone together. Until then, I think we should restart our tteokbokki dates.” 

“I agree. I’ll text you as soon as I wake up. I know I keep saying it but I am glad you are back.” 

“Me too.” 

Bang Chan hollered something from way down the hall about it getting late, perfectly interrupting us. 

“Ok, I need to go, and you have kept Seo-Yoon waiting awhile.” 

“I know,” I said. 

“Thank you for waiting for me, love,” Jisung said, pressing our foreheads together. 

“I will always wait for you. I love you,” I said, blushing at the fact that it was the first time I said out loud to him in person. 

“I love you too. You are my everything, [Y/N].” 

He didn’t even give me a chance to reply to that, just  pulled me into one last kiss, quick and passionate, before he turned and ran down the hall to join his bandmates and finally go home. I stood stuck in the hallway, head spinning, heart racing, and wishing I could sprint after him to say what I wanted too, but I didn’t.

Instead, I went to find Seo-Yoon, who was waiting with the security guard who had called us an uber. When we finally arrived home, had removed the makeup, undone the hair, and were in our pjs, I sat in bed in Jisung’s same hoodie like I had so many times before. I sat up for a while, bouncing those words I wanted to say to him in my head before I caved in to sleep. 

When I laid down, I gazed at the pictures of us on my nightstand. The picture of us in our childhood, the picture of us with eyes glowing, having no clue what the future would hold for us, and the newer picture of us on a picnic date, clearly in love but still too shy to say anything. I sighed happily and said what I wanted to say to Jisung before he left: