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In times of comfort and silence, I seem to long for something. I feel constantly homesick for something I have not experienced. I feel this on road trips and at family members homes during the night.

It’s almost a sense of dread and emptiness? The song ‘Brandy (you’re a fine girl)’ started playing in the car, and I felt so homesick???

Why do I miss the ocean so much? I fear the waves. I’m overwhelmed when I think of the sea but my body somehow yearns for a warm ocean life??? It’s like I miss being on a boat, like I miss a lighthouse, like I miss a shoreside home?? The nautical visuals make me feel sick and happy. Like there’s a hole of distress in my stomach, and there’s people waiting on a beach for me. The ocean seems to beckon for me.

It’s also like that crave for Space? The vast open of stars and nothing. The Universe is constantly creating, changing, and destroying. How I wish to just float in the vacuum and see the mixture of dying stars and gases.

But, the Ocean and Space isn’t the only thing I feel this for. I feel this way with the Wild West, and New Orleans, and even my home state? I miss the past and the future I have not lived in.

I will never fully live in the foxholes of soldiers and brotherhood. I will never look forward for a night of ballroom dancing every other evening. I will never have the childhood of running through my parent’s field with my multiple siblings I’ve never had. I will never experience the old days of knighthood and castles. Never get to ride horses under stars in the chill of New Mexico. Never get to experience going out with the factory girls. I’ll never get to sit on a windowsill in old France or England before wartime. But, it’s almost like I have been there before. More like a “never again, will I…” instead of “I will never…”

Perhaps I just have strong FOMO or nostalgia? Perhaps it’s me yearning for culture and community? Maybe it’s because the media I love is past its prime? So many fandoms have gotten smaller and die out quicker?

I miss my childhood that I don’t really remember, and I miss my college friends I haven’t met yet. I miss my lover and my work friends. I miss the shopping mall and late night gift buying.

Anyways wrote this on 4 hours of sleep and no one is probably gonna read this. But I hope it finds someone who feels the same dread I do.