Twisted Thoughts

HI. It’s been a long time since I last visited this Tumblr account of mine. For those of you who didn’t know, I already transferred to WordPress, but for now I am here again because of something that has been bugging me for the last two days. 

Around two days ago, The Atlantic has published a posthumous article written by the late Filipino-American author and Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, Alex Tizon about Lola’s Story---a story about his family keeping a dirty secret of having a slave for more than five decades.

After finishing reading the article few hours after it was published, I found myself conflicted with different emotions. I found myself angry at the Tizons for the way they maltreated Lola Eudocia; I was literally in tears while reading the whole article. I was also mad at Alex for so many reasons, but ironically, after I finished reading, I also found myself in awe as to how brutally honest Alex Tizon was in writing the article.

When it came to Lola, I was downright heartbroken. When it came to the parents, I was angry. But, when it came to Alex Tizon, I was lost, not knowing whether to give him a thumbs up or a smack in the face. It really took me a while to really understand my emotions before I was able to finally sleep that night.

The fact that I wanted to give him a smack in the face was pretty easy to absorb. It was slavery. And slavery will always be something that should not be condoned. It is disgusting, immoral, and inhumane. 

For the other emotion, I had to really ask myself. I hated the fact that he wasn’t able to stand up against his mother when he found out at 11 that Lola was their slave, but for some reason, I understood how hard it was for him. I hated the fact that he was already 40 when he finally freed Lola, but for some reason, I was also in awe as to how he was able to finally find the courage to do it, however late it was.

Was I a disgusting human being for thinking that way? Apparently, I wasn’t the only one conflicted; most Filipinos were. Are Filipinos disgusting people for thinking that way?

After carefully, thinking about it,  this is what I realized: you see, the Philippines is a very conservative Catholic country. We were taught from the very start how important family is. No matter what. Family comes first. As a Filipino and as Asian, we have strong filial ties. ‘You have to obey your parents’, ‘Make your family proud', Don’t do something that will bring dishonor to your family.’ Your identity is always interconnected to your family’s identity. It’s never just you. 

 In addition to that, the Philippines was colonized for four centuries by the Spaniards, the Americans,and the Japanese. Being a Filipino, I believe, this has always had a negative impact on the Filipino culture. We learned to believe we are inferior, that we have such a small voice to be heard by others. We learned to become subservient--obeying other people without questioning them. All culture have flaws, and in the Filipino culture, this is one of the major flaws that we have. 

Now, back to Alex Tizon and the FIlipinos’ conflicting attitude towards him. After finding out about the family’s secret at 11, Alex felt guilty, but he didn’t know what to do. He wanted to stand up for Lola, but that meant standing up against his own mother. And being a FIlipino who was born in a subservient culture that values filial ties so much, it was hard for him to choose where to side. Now, if you’re not Filipino, you might think: What’s so hard with choosing between an exploited slave who loves you and a monstrous slave owner-mother who doesn't even care about you? But, believe it or not, that is something that not only Alex Tizon has struggled with. There are many instances of Filipinos who find it hard to stand up against their own abusive parents or other family members(e.g., parents pimping their own children for drugs or money, etc.---yes, this isn’t slavery, but you get my point). Because in the Filipino culture, going against your own family is considered taboo, no matter what the circumstances are.

This is the truth about the cultural flaw Filipinos has always struggled with. And that is exactly what I was in awe about in Alex Tizon’s article. By writing that story, he was not only able to stand up against his own parents, but also against his own culture’s flaw. By making the article, he was able to expose not only the TIzons’--including his--dirty, disgusting side, but also that side of the Filipino culture. As I said, every culture has its flaw, and now that Tizon has exposed that of the FIlipinos, it’s about time we start correcting them. 

The million-dollar question is, does this make slavery less of a problem knowing that cultural context? DEFINITELY NOT. But seeing it in a proper context makes judgment about this topic better. Many non-Filipinos are saying we are defending Tizon when they are asked to know the cultural context. But, I don’t think he needed someone to defend him when he wrote the article. He didn't want someone to defend him. When I read the article, I heard someone who hated himself for not doing anything even when he knew the right thing to do. I heard someone who was so caught up with the cultural struggle that even though he knew he was supposed to help Lola at 11 and not at 40, he was only able to find courage at the latter part of his life, because by then, her mother has already passed, and it was ‘culturally’ easier for him to decide. I heard someone who, through this article, was telling the world:

  ‘There are so many Alex Tizons in the world who struggle with this, and many Lola Eudocias who suffer slavery, and the last thing we need is for another Alex Tizon and another Lola Eudocia to be together in another household. This story is something I was not proud of, and something that should not happen again.”

*This is just my personal reflection about the issue. If you agree with this, thank you. If not, I understand.

---

Now that all’s been said about ‘Lola’s Story’, it is not about the Tizons nor slavery anymore; it’s not even about Lola Eudocia Pulido, either. It is about the Americans talking over FIlipino voices, hindering the latter to make a healthy about the issue. All these Filipinos (including me) talking about filial ties, ‘utang na loob’, four centuries of occupation, etc; although from a non-FIlipino perspective, it may look like FIlipinos’ way of defending the Tizons and the disgusting things that they did, it actually is not. 

This is Filipinos’ way of telling people, ‘Look, we know our culture better than you do. Here are some cultural facts that you know nothing about, to prove it. Now if you can sit down, stop talking over us and calling us names, and actually let us confront our own issues, then that would be great.”

Sa gitna ng panonood ng TV, bigla mong nakita ‘yung mga teens ng PBB. Ayun, naglalandian. Yung kinse-anyos na lalaki, nagke-kwento dun sa isa pang kinse-anyos na babae. Di daw niya alam ang nararamdaman niya “pero I get jealous when I see you with someone else”, nahihiyang sabi nung kinse-anyos na lalaki, english pa. “Pag wala tayong ginagawa, naaalala ko ‘yung tsinelas mo, tapos naiisip ko kung nasaan ka kaya.” Kilig naman yung babae, na hindi mapakali kung susubo ba ng kanin na kinakain o kikiligin na lang hanggang mabusog.

Ikaw naman ‘tong bente-dos anyos na nanonood, natawa bigla, ‘yung parang masusuka. Dahil kelan pa nga ba naging romantic ang tsinelas? Bigla kang comment: “Hay. As expected”, sabi mo, “lagi namang ganito ang PBB Teens. Puro crush-crush.”. Tapos, inis na inis ka kung pa’nong pinapalabas nila sa TV ang mga kwentong hindi naman kapupulutan ng aral, lalo na ng kabataan. Naks, pag-asa ng bayan ang linyahan mo. Pagtingin mo sa Twitter, tulad kayo ng mga komento. Di nga raw magandng ehemplo ‘yung pinapalabas. Aba, sigurado ako, kung buhay pa si Dr. Jose Rizal, matutuwa ‘yun sa inyo dahil mabuting kabataan kayo.  

“Akala ko ba sabi ng tagline ng PBB, ‘kwento ng totoong buhay’”, dagdag mo pa.

 Tapos, biglang napa-isip ka.

Naalala mo ‘yung crush mo nung high school. At kung paanong ilang araw kang hindi makamove-on dahil habang nagva-Valentine’s Party kayo sa gym, hiningi niya ‘yung hawak mong lollipop na kulay pula na hugis bulaklak at may mahabang stick na binebenta nung mga officer ng student council para may pondo sila sa susunod na party.  

Tapos, biglang natawa ka. Na-realize mo: kelan pa ba naging romantic ang lollipop?

Biglang sabi mo sa sarili mo:

 Ay, tama nga ang PBB, kwento nga siya ng totoong buhay.

Isa lang ang masasabi ko, 

Letter from A Stranger

(Aug. 19, 2016 / 12:55 PM)

To the person who wrote this (JCPD). I found your letter sitting in the drawer of a random desk in UPLB Main Library last Tuesday. I would presume you wrote this on May 6, 2016 as it said ‘5616’ at the end of your letter. I don’t know you, and like you say, ‘It doesn’t matter’ but thank you for writing to a stranger, which happened to be me. If I were right about the date, then the letter you wrote had been sitting in the drawer for more than three months already. By the time you wrote this, I was going through a rough patch. I was at home, depressed and anxious, trying hard to lift myself up from rock bottom.

I know that while you were writing this, maybe on the same desk where I found this note, you were probably thinking that a random UPLB student would be able to pick this up. I don’t know you but I want you to know that your letter could not have come at a more opportune time in my life as I am trying to ‘recuperate’ after everything that has happened in the previous year. Your letter made my day so, in case you’re wondering: Yes, someone has already ‘received’ your letter, three months after you wrote it. And the person who received it appreciates it more than you probably thought he would. And, hey, I’m celebrating my birthday this Sunday so thanks for the advanced gift, too!

By the way, I like Greek gods and centaurs, too (Rick Riordan is one of my favorite authors). I would recommend you start reading ‘the one with Dumbledore’ already; it’s a great read!

Vince

Not so long ago, a photo of a 3-year old Syrian boy, Aylan Kurdi, shocked the world as he was pictured lying cold and lifeless on the shores of Turkey as he and his family was trying to flee their country when the boat they were on sank due to overloading. But, unfortunately, that news was already ‘yesterday’. 

Now, there’s Omran Daqneesh.

What’s even more heartbreaking about this viral video is that he seems to not know what’s happening. His mind is too young to even comprehend everything that was going on. He was completely shocked. And, apparently, all throughout the time when he was being treated, he did not even shed a single tear. He only asked the nurse for his parents and only when he saw them did he cry.

Braved the flooded streets of Manila just to watch and experience the just-as-flooded Barangay Venizia of Rak of Aegis. Still, it was worth it!

As Legarda puts it, “It was so jologs”. (She initially hesitated on pushing it through as she was scared people would not get its humor.) It was probably the jologs of all jologs but the type that you would never get enough of. Even after two days, I found myself downloading the songs of Aegis. The ‘jolog-ness’ of the show has completely rubbed off on me. And I have no complaints; I’m loving it! Hahaha.

It was unfortunate to see the musical coming to its (most probably) last run. But, still, I am glad I got to watch it before it closes. Plus, I got to do it with my friends!

By the way, this is part of my Bucketlist #7. Yey!

Ayoko [mu]nang um-adult.

Sa hinaba-haba ng oras na ginugol mo bilang paghahanda sa iyong pagtanda, nakalimutan mo nang may mga saya nga palang minsan ay tubig-alat at puting buhangin lang ang makakapag-bigay. Parang noong pitong taong-gulang ka pa lang at takot na matangay ng alon pero gustong matutong lumangoy kaya doon ka sa may pampang tumitipá, nagpipilit na lumutang gamit ang salbabida sa tubig na hindi man lang umaabot sa tuhod ng tatay mo.

 Pero pasasaan ba’t babalik at babalik ka rin—kapag hindi na lang alon ang kinatatakutan mo, kapag hindi na kaya ng salbabida ang bigat ng dinadala mo, kapag ang hinahanapan mo na ng tamang pagtipá ay ang sariling buhay mo. Babalik at babalik ka rin, kapag hindi mo na alam ang gagawin dahil sa tinagal-tagal ay hindi mo pa rin makuha ang bagay na gusto mo. Dahil sa tinagal-tagal n’yo ay iiwanan ka rin pala ng taong gusto mo. Dahil napapagod ka na sa napili mong trabaho. Dahil hindi mo na alam kung ano ang susunod na trabahong papasukin mo.

 Babalik at babalik ka rin, kapag napagod ka na sa pagtanda. At maiisip mong sana pala ay pitong-taong gulang ka na lang ulit.

 Pero hindi na pwede. Hindi na.

***

 Post-Script: Naisipan lang naming magkakaibigan na maglangoy sa Kwebang Lampas (oo, may kweba nga kasi. At,oo, makakalampas ka sa kweba, butas nga kasi s’ya!) sa Pagbilao, Quezon noong Sabado dahil sa iisang rason: pagod na kaming “um-adult”. Nasaan na nga ba ang ‘pause button’, Lord? Taympers muna, water break lang sandali.

Post post-script: (Nov. 6, 2016): Saw this post once again, and then, I just remembered:

“Babalik at babalik ka rin, kapag hindi mo na alam ang gagawin dahil sa tinagal-tagal ay hindi mo pa rin makuha ang bagay na gusto mo. Dahil sa tinagal-tagal n’yo ay iiwanan ka rin pala ng taong gusto mo. Dahil napapagod ka na sa napili mong trabaho. Dahil hindi mo na alam kung ano ang susunod na trabahong papasukin mo. “

--in reference to our own respective ‘hugots’ during that time. May frustrated sa buhay, may brokenhearted, may gustong umalis na ng trabaho, may gustong makahanap na ng bagong trabaho, at meron din namang gusto lang makahanap ng tamang trabaho.  

Nag-iinuman sa bahay namin dahil ika-50th birthday ng nanay ko. Nakaupo ako sa sala, nakikinig sa pinag-uusapan nila.

“...’Yang kapitbahay nating lasinggero. Nagising na lang daw siya kinabukasan mula sa pag-iinom na hindi maigalaw ang paa at kamay. ‘Yung girlfriend naman niya, di siya iniwan kahit siya ang nahihirapan sa pag-aalaga sa lalaki. Maganda pa naman ‘yun. Alam mo’ng tawag dun?”, tanong ng tatay ko sa akin.

Napa-isip ako. “Pagmamahal?”, sagot ko sa harap ng mga nag-iinuman. 

TULDOK

(Apr.3, 2016/ 3:52 AM)

Kapag naging astronaut ka na–kung sakali mang magiging astronaut ka–’wag mong kalilimutang tumitig sa mundo mula sa kalawakan. Doon mo makikita kung saan ka nanggagaling. Doon mo maaalalang minsan ay naging kinse-anyos ka, at nangarap ka ng matindi na para bang walang makakapigil sa’yo, na para bang kayang-kaya mong baguhin ang mundo at kahit ano’ng sabihin nila, wala kang ibang naririnig kundi ang sarili mong nagsasabing kaya mong gawin ang lahat ng bagay kahit na kinse-anyos ka lang at wala pang nakakamit sa buhay.

Sa pagtungo mo sa kalawakan, huwag mong kalilimutang magdala ng ruler. Para masukat mo kung gaano kaliit ang mundo mula sa kinaroroonan mo, Magdala ka na rin ng high-tech na camera, baka sakaling malimutan mo ang sukat, para may magpapaalala sa’yo nito sa pagbalik mo.

Ngayon, hanapin mo ang Great Wall of China. Sabi ng karamihan, ‘yun daw ang kaisa-isang bagay na mawawari mo mula sa kalawakan. Sabi nung kauna-unahang intsik na pumunta d’yan, wala raw s’yang nakita. I-check mo ulit, baka mahina lang ang paningin n’ya. ‘Pag hindi mo nakita, baka mahina lang rin ang paningin mo, o baka nakatitig ka sa maling panig ng mundo, o baka sobrang liit lang talaga niya para masagap ng mata mo. Kung makita mo naman, kunin mo ulit ang ruler, sukatin mo ang Great Wall mula sa kinaroroonan mo. Piktyuran mo rin para kung skalaing malimutan mo ang sukat, may magpapa-alala sa’yo nito sa pagbalik mo.

Bago ka bumalik dito sa mundo, siguraduhin mong natanaw mo rin nang husto ang kalawakan, gayundin ang sarili mo mula sa kinaroroonan mo. Isipin mo ‘yung mga panahong sobrang saya mo na nakalimutan mong isayad ang mga paa mo sa lupa. O ‘yung mga panahong sobrang lungkot mo, ‘yung mga panahong sunud-sunod ‘yung mga kapalpakang nangyayari sa buhay mo. O ‘yung mga panahong mas iniisip mo ang sasabihin ng ibang tao kaysa sa sarili mo.

Sana sa mga panahong ‘yon, maalala mo kung gaano kaliit ang mundo o ang Great Wall of China. At sana, maalala mong tuwing marami kang nakakamit at umaangat ang mga  paa mo sa lupa, hindi ka lumalaki sa mata ng kalawakan. Sa tuwing nalulungkot ka dahil pumapalpak ka sa buhay, sana maalala mong tuldok ka lang, at di mo kailangang maging perpektong indibidwal dahil sa dulo’t dulo, walang pakialam ang mundoi kung perpektong tuldok ka ba o hindi. At sa tuwing mas iniisip mo ang iisipin ng iba kaysa sa sarili mo, sana maalala mong sa mata ng kalawakan, katulad mo, tuldok lang din sila.

***

Post-Script: Kapag hindi ka naman naging astronaut, titigan mo na lang ang larawan (aka ”Pale Blue Dot”) sa taas, at hanapin ang tuldok na mundo mo. At pakinggan mo si Carl Sagan: