I’ve always wanted to be skinny… quite skinny… and its felt so important to me to get there, no matter what it took.
Well, I finally am after all this time. I’m the smallest I’ve been since childhood.
And it feels so strange. I’m actually not sure if I prefer being skinny over curvy and a little chubby now.
I feel a little self conscious about my butt and boobs being so small, my butt bones poking into my boyfriend when I sit on him, and things like that.
At the same time, it feels amazing. I’m incredibly proud of myself. I don’t have to worry about showing my belly or being so nervous about fitting into certain clothes. Or my chub overflowing in them.
It’s even easier to shave in the shower (except armpits, no one tells you they get a deep dip when you lose enough weight lol it’s a weird crater to shave).
But there’s also things like I don’t really know my body anymore lol. Just about all of my clothes don’t fit anymore, and I can’t afford to buy more right now, so they look pretty awkward 😅. Even if they do fit, I have to learn what looks good on this new body. It’s not the same as dressing for curves at all. I also don’t actually have a clue what size I really am anymore- so I’ll need to shop in person, not online.
Wearing a bikini is well… I’m kinda self conscious in different ways. Like my butt and boobs don’t fill out my bathing suit anymore. And it looks baggy in the areas it used to look best. But on the other hand, my stomach, arms, legs, etc all look way better and I’m no longer self conscious about those areas.
People (like my mom) seem to treat me more… aggressively/critically now - I believe due to some jealousy in my mom’s case at least.
My boyfriend (and some others) have noticed how little I eat and have started commenting on it.
Other times, they don’t say anything but I see them kind of look at me differently, make different expressions. Just things that tell me they’ve noticed, don’t say anything to me, but I do feel like they talk about it to others. Like my Aunt Jill brought up how thin I’ve gotten to my mom. I only found out weeks later when I mentioned being annoying that my clothes didn’t fit. But for other people, like my siblings, I can tell they’re trying to navigate how to treat me now. Which feels very strange.
It is incredibly nice not to think about food so much now, though. Whether that’s binging, hunger, shame, etc. Oh yeah and I don’t feel shame about eating anything in front of people cause they wouldn’t think “no wonder she’s that big when that’s what she eats”.
Either way, it’s very jarring lol. A month or two ago I just caught a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror and was like “Oh shit, I have a thigh gap now. I didn’t even notice. How long has that been a thing?”
But it’s suuuuper weird navigating all of these different things.
I have to relearn my own body. How to dress. My size. What I look like. How it feels (like my knee bones hit each other painfully when I lay down on my side).
And I have to relearn social aspects. How people treat me. What I’ll be criticized or praised for. Jealousy instead of shame or disappointment I guess.
It’s all just so so odd.
