Secondhand Creepy

Jon didn’t know what to get his mother in law. It was just days before Christmas! Days! He was panicked and had already been half trampled at the mall fighting over a pair of neon leopard print slippers. He lost. So here he was. At the antique store. Looking for anything to give her. Anything. And then he found this. “Squeez Toy Santa -$16”. One pupil was noticeably larger than the other and it was likely Santa had a moderate drug habit but this would have to do. Janice would judge him lacking anyway, no matter his effort. This, at least, was something she wouldn’t get from anyone else.

“Ho-ho-ho and welcome to my 2k17 Christmas Party. I’m Santa, but I’d like to be called St. Clawz from now own. Come on and get you some of this jungle juice - it’s about to go down in here.” Little Sally was shocked to discover that not even her beloved Santa toy had been unaffected by her addiction to memes.

Creepy HOLIDAY Decorating Tip # 65: Always make sure that your otherwise not so creepy figures have ominous chips and missing paint specks. A missing nose can really help set the mood.

Creepy HOLIDAY Decorating Tip # 82: at first glance this green deer looks like a jolly fellow. But look closer. Note the shifty eyes. This would make a perfect bathroom decoration for any holiday party. What better why to let your guest know they are being watched, and judged, than this?

“Ho-Hahaha! The family still hasn’t noticed that I’ve replaced Santa. Ho-ho-Hahahaha”

Silent night, holy night The angels are drunk on the eggnog No heralding to be done, no horns can play For the angles are passed out on the hay

"Well ho ho ho, to you. Now it's alright children. Quite alright. Just follow me. Right this way now."

It was the isle all the clean antiques avoided. The isle of the Santas. Shelves and shelves of spaced out Santas waited, with nefarious things concealed in their bags. Their looks could never be confused for jolly - the menacing smile always in place with eyes that promised consequences for double crossing them. No. The good antiques on the straight and narrow path avoided this section of the store.

Creepy HOLIDAY Decorating Tip #76: Ho ho ho. If you don't have the money to buy holiday wine glasses DIY some weird ones right up! Make sure to use felt (since it will collect all the germs) and to offset the eyes just a tad to much.

Ho ho ho, who should've known Ho ho ho, who should've known Santa Clause is coming for you tonight His googly eyes see you when you're sleeping His over caffeinated state knows when you're awake He knows the Horta of antique malls So repent for goodness sake.

Creepy HOLIDAY Decorating Tip # 5: did you inherit a lot of caroling figures from someone? Need to keep them without cramping your creepy groove? Well we're here with some creepy staging advice to make your holiday run smooth. Stage the singers just a hair lower than you'd expect and suddenly looks of horror appear in their faces! The things they have seen! The atrocities they have heard! Stage them with a creepy Santa or two looming in the background and you are golden.

Creepy HOLIDAY Decorating Tip #56: if your mother in law gives you grief over your ascetic then request this little guy for Christmas. On first glance he looks perfectly charming but then the eyes and illuminated smile take you in. They seem to whisper things in your ears and snowball fights and the reaping of souls. The longer you observe the deeper in disparity you begin to fall. But he just looks like a jolly little fellow at first - your mother in law will never expect it until it's too late.

Hark! The season of Horrors is upon us! Thought Jolly ole Nick. Hopefully this year he would get to escape from this tortured place and return to a life of ho-ho-holiday fun. And hopefully his new owners could cure what appeared to be a terrible case of frostbite on his cheeks - being left outside all winter surely did him no favors.

Creepy HOLIDAY Decorating Tip #22: Always make sure that your Santa has an unsettling "too nice" expression on his face. The extra bold eyelashes help to add to the slightly off kilter feel of this piece and the open mouth (as if in a scream or a rousing ho ho ho) really helps to round off the piece. We suggest hanging this right on your door to help set the mood for Christmas parties from the get-go!

Oh we wish you a Creepy Christmas, Oh we wish you a Creepy Christmas, Oh we wish you a Creepy Christmas, And a Frightful New Year! So Deck those halls with tidings of horror So Deck those halls with tidings of fear May we suggest a 5 foot tall foam soldier Or som disturbing Saint Nicks?

"Hey George?" "Ugh what Josè?" "Did you ever realize that we're, like, permanent Halloween Decorations?" "Save me from your mundane realizations Josè." "But like, George, d' ya think we will get bought this Halloween season? I'd be nice to go home." "Home? What more home do you need than an antique mall? The range of curiosities is endless. Enough with your sentimental babble now. Think of the academic possibilities."

"I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!"