Collected Stories

Me setting a timer when I got to bag claim just now: I'm so clever! I will now be reminded that it's only been five minutes and bag claim usually takes about twenty!

On the one hand, timing something is about reminding myself "No, it's only been five minutes," but it is ALSO about knowing when something is taking way longer than it should.

If I'm put into an exam room in a doctor's office, I start a timer. Because I have been forgotten about in a doctor's office before, I get nervous that I'll just be sat in there forever, and the timer tells me "No, they haven't forgotten you, it's only been 10 minutes." But it also tells me if I have been there longer than appropriate (generally more than 40 minutes) so that I know when it's justifiable to flag down a nurse to find out what's going on.

At bag claim, because I know it usually takes about 20 minutes to get my bag, I don't get concerned until the timer passes the 20 minute mark without any bags appearing. At that point I know I need to take off my headphones and start paying attention -- looking at signage, maybe asking someone if I'm at the right carousel. Maybe don't worry yet, but start double-checking. Perhaps the delay is unavoidable and it'll just be an hour, but at least, having asked, I KNOW it'll be an hour, and the timer will tell me when the hour is past and I should maybe check in again.

Now, if the bags do start showing up before 20 minutes but my bag hasn't shown up by the 40 minute mark, I know that again it's time to put my head on a swivel, and at the 50 minute mark it's time to go speak to someone in the baggage claim office. This has more than once helped me locate my bag when it's accidentally been sent to the wrong part of the airport. There is no point at which, without the timer, I would go "man this is taking a long time" and then actually go ask, because I wouldn't actually know how long it had been.

The timer both prevents me from worrying before I need to and tells me when to start worrying -- essentially, because I'm both perpetually impatient and also infinitely patient, I've outsourced my patience to a stopwatch. And because I time a lot of things, I now know the average time a lot of things take, which helps me calibrate my concerns appropriately. Ten minutes is a long time to wait for a burger from McDonalds, but it's actually on the short end of the time it takes to get a burger from Shake Shack. It's not a long time to be on hold with the HR office of my old employer, but it's longer than I'd usually be on hold with my pharmacy. Et cetera.

Dragons in suits, what will they sell next?

The worst part of it is that the new king takes at least part of his harem with him everywhere and it’s so embarrassing. The Counselors of War have never once met with His Divine Majesty without that hulking battle-scarred consort interrupting with muttered growls or scornful snorts. And the Ministers of Finance all flinch at the sight of that fox-faced one, rumored to have been rescued from the gallows because His Augustness took a fancy to his eyes or some such nonsense. General petition days are even worse, with practically the entire harem drifting in and out of the Grand Hall in turns, insouciant and smug like granary cats who know they’ve been given full run of the courtyards and barns.

It will, eventually, and at least a few people are going to be embarrassed it didn’t occur to them sooner.

The book mostly is told from the POV of Pierre, a self-insert who is failed author and, I cannot stress this enough, utterly pathetic 

Quasimodo damaged his hearing as a teenager from years of bell ringing and now uses sign language whenever he can

There is a scene where Quasimodo and a fellow deaf guy have to have a conversation without using sign language because they’re in a courtroom and the jury doesn’t know sign. It goes about as well as you’d expect 

Frollo has a little brother, Jehan, who he raised after their parents died. Jehan is now a frat bro in college whose hobbies consist of getting drunk and being mean to Quasimodo. In his first scene Jehan complains about college DEI because an Italian guy got a scholarship he wanted. 

Esmeralda is accused of witchcraft because she taught her pet goat Djali how to do math

Djali may or may not be sapient. He can and does imitate human mannerisms to make fun of people on purpose. He does this while on trial. 

Yes. They tried the goat for witchcraft, too. 

Pierre writes a whole play riding on the pun of dolphin/Dauphin. Nobody likes it. 

Frollo is an alchemist and has a secret mad science lab where he writes on the walls

Jehan literally pulls a “buy my silence” and frollo gives him money to make him shut up

There’s a trio of catty girls who bully Esmeralda like it’s Mean Girls

Quasimodo and Frollo literally have Cryptid Status— Parisians circulate rumors that Quasimodo is either a familiar, a homunculus, or the result of demonic mpreg, and that Frollo is a wizard with wizard powers and/or a ghost

There is a little old woman who lives in a hole and shouts slurs at people. She has a tragic backstory. 

There is a homicidal con man/king of thieves named Clopin Troillefou (surname translation: The Fool of Fear) who deserves tumblr sexymanhood.

Pierre learns how to carry chairs with his teeth 

There’s an entire chapter dedicated to the layout of the streets of Paris in painstaking detail

There’s another chapter that is a rant about interior design 

Esmeralda and Pierre get platonically married due to Clopin’s murderous shenanigans. Pierre tries to make a move in her but ends up being more emotionally attached to Djali the goat than to her. I think that should be grounds for divorce

There is a scene where Pierre has to choose between helping Esmeralda escape or helping Djali. He picks Djali. 

Frollo hides from his own brother by laying face down in mud and playing dead. Somehow this works 

There is a Plot Significant Tiny Shoe. A Tiny Shoe Chekhov’s Gun. And Victor Hugo will not stop telling you just how Tiny this shoe is. 

There’s a soap opera style plot twist that involves a false accusation of cannibalism and the woman in the hole who shouts slurs

Quasimodo makes up a stupid little song that doesn’t even rhyme to confess his love to Esmeralda, who remains oblivious

He then attempts to demonstrate his affection via convoluted metaphors that involve props. She doesn’t get it. Boy please say what you mean

Frollo pulls the classic discord groomer tactic of threatening self-harm if Esmeralda doesn’t give in. 

Jehan rolls up to a party/rescue mission scheming session in Clopin’s secret hideout in full plate armor (how did he get that???), drunk off his ass, and acts like he owns the place. Everyone finds this so ridiculous that they just let him

Hugo goes on and on about how innocent and naive Esmeralda is but then casually reveals that Esmeralda carries a dagger on her person at all times to fend off assault. When Frollo attacks her and Quasi intervenes, she takes Quasi’s knife and almost kills Frollo (fair!) but he flees. She contains multitudes?

Frollo has a psychotic breakdown in the middle of a field surrounded by chickens and hallucinates skeletons everywhere 

For the first half of the book Esmeralda is like 70% sure Frollo is a ghost, not helped by his aforementioned Cryptid Status

Jehan eats a moldy piece of cheese off the ground 

Frollo tries to send Pierre on a suicide mission in drag. Pierre objects to the suicide part but not the drag part  

Clopin’s preferred weapon is a scythe, he’s very good at using it, and he sings when he fights. Again: sexyman potential. 

Victor Hugo has a foot fetish. I initially dismissed it as Frollo having a foot fetish until Victor Hugo included a foot fetish torture scene without any Frollo in it. So I can only conclude that the foot fetish is authorial in nature. Unfortunately the foot scenes are important to the plot. 

Frollo is canonically 36, he just aged like shit and is bald. The narrator will not stop telling you just how bald he is.

Despite being in full plate armor, Jehan gets splatted like a bug

Pierre gets trapped under a mattress and almost accidentally set on fire while he’s stuck under there

Jehan draws a picture of Frollo with a giant nose on the wall of Frollo’s room

Quasimodo is as close to canonically autistic w processing difficulties and/or intellectual disabilities as the Victorian era can give us— “the external world seemed much farther away to him than to us” and “impressions of objects underwent a considerable refraction before reaching his mind”

Frollo has an antivaxxer monologue where he tells a sick man that medicine isn’t real. FROLLO HAS A MEDICAL DEGREE.

Clopin interrupts Pierre’s play to wail pathetically

Frollo and Quasimodo go on little outings around town but they both get bullied by schoolchildren every single time

Quasimodo sometimes likes to tackle the bells and ride them like a bucking bronco carnival ride. WHEEEEEEEE

Frollo and Pierre are friends. Pierre stalks random people recreationally. Frollo stalks Esmeralda specifically because he is obsessed with her. I can’t help but wonder if they bonded over this creepy, creepy hobby.

Djali the goat can tell time. Accurately. Without even looking at a clock or hearing the bells. We don’t know how he can do this.

Quasimodo does, in fact, treat the gargoyles as imaginary friends and talk to them when he’s alone. He also has named the bells and given them personalities (his favorite is Marie).

There’s a character who is so absurdly, exceptionally French that her name is literally Fleur De Lys.

Frollo’s non-pervy hobbies include searching the church for secret clues to the location of the philosopher’s stone, amateur archaeology, and believing in conspiracy theories

Esmeralda does Djali’s mani-pedi and paints his hooves gold

Jehan falls asleep on a pile of cabbages

Quasimodo is really, really good at parkour. He loves scrambling and scuttling around on the walls like a spiderman or perhaps a dracula

There’s a chapter-long tirade about how much Hugo hates minimalistic buildings. Me too buddy

Djali snitches on Esmeralda for having a secret crush. Because he can spell.

the goat

can

Here’s the back of the book (so to speak):

A valuable artifact has been stolen from an isolated monastery, and Tallis will have trouble finding it when the temple elder won’t tell him what it is.

The monks have good reason to be secretive, given the centuries of religious persecution after the fall of the Emperor who represented their gods. That’s to say nothing of the cult leader enchanting disciples in the next town over, or of the boy they keep hidden underground while they prepare him to be the new Emperor. Tallis, an orphan himself, feels an instant connection with Brannon, the young boy who can channel the power of the gods but is deeply resentful of the monks who have imprisoned him to keep him safe. Tallis soon finds himself struggling to unravel not only a theft, but the murder of the last Emperor, which fractured the world a thousand years before.

You can read the complete first chapter for free here if you’re so inclined, or if you don’t feel the need and you want to buy it sight-unseen, you can do so right here! (It should be available from Amazon/iBooks/etc shortly, but you can buy it direct from Lulu right now.)