they should have sent a poet

part of what's helping me now is testosterone (primarily because it reduces my fatigue which was the main factor for me not being able to do much physical activity, but also because it makes it feel safer to experience the physical reality of my body, being aware of my body is not as stressful.)

another thing that's helping, though, is the realization that exercise does not require bodily surveillance and measurement in the way that I'd been trained since childhood.

I get very distressed by the numbers associated with exercise--how many repetitions, how often, for how long, etc. I get distressed with these numbers leading to comparisons and thus value judgements (e.g. "I did this exercise 25 times two days ago but now can only do 15, I must be doing 'worse'")

but a breakthrough for me was that exercise doesn't actually require any numeric component. it doesn't matter how frequently I exercise, for how long, or how many repetitions of anything I do. I can literally just move my body until it doesn't feel good anymore or until I just don't want to, and then stop. I don't have to count anything or record anything. If I want it to just be pleasurable movement, it can just be pleasurable movement.

another thing that helped was to prioritize exercise around things that will make it easier for me to do stuff I want to do (rather than prioritizing what someone tells me I "should" do). For example, I have a hard time sitting up straight, which leads to back pain, so I've started working muscles that help me sit up without as much effort.

making exercise into something directly practical ("if I do this tonight, it'll help me tomorrow, like the same principle as getting water before bed so I don't have to get up in the night") instead of vague and abstract ("I feel like I should exercise to 'be healthy'") has helped me.

Now I feel like I'm just doing a thing to feel good in my immediate future instead of endlessly working towards an elusive goal I can never reach.

"Work or Die Is Not Free Choice"

This is going to be a really hard pill to swallow, but the truth is you might not be able to balance all your hobbies and all your projects the way you'd like. If you want to finish writing that book, you might have to reduce your daily drawing habit to a couple of times a week. If you want to do yoga every morning, you might have to accept not cooking from scratch as often. If you want to spend more time with your family, you might have to cut down on your yearly reading goal. I'm not saying give up on your hobbies; I'm be realistic with your time and your energy and be kind to yourself. Stop expecting yourself to do more and do better every single year. You don't have to constantly be growing upwards and reaching for the stars; you can be content with where you are, or even cut parts of yourself back to make space for other things in your life to bloom.

"Love your neighbors more than your government"