The Adventures of Sparky

So I always tell people I am sure I was born in the wrong decade as I absolutely love all I have learnt about the 50s!! So I treated myself to Franky's Diner Cheese Burger meal with extra jalapenos and a Naughty Milkshake!!! I got to pump up the vibes by selecting my choice of music on the giant jukebox which compiled a list of songs from Nina Simone, Elvis Presley, and Billie Holiday to name a few..:) 

I wonder what the average amount of times a person will be retrenched during their career paths?  

I barely hit my 30’s and have been retrenched 3 times already.  One would think that I have mastered the art of getting through the process from receiving the Notice of Retrenchment and obtaining a new job, however truthfully I have not. Each time has there been more at risk, a greater amount of financial loss etc…

I feel that many people go through this and may not have the people / friends to support them during this process, and on most occasions the person going through this often feels ashamed and embarrassed to such an extent that he/she would rather not talk about it.

I am one of them who’s prefer to keep to myself…So this is my way of getting it out, expressing my emotions and my thoughts.

I have shed many tears since the day I received the Notice of Retrenchment that I fear I could have cried more then at my grandmother’s funeral. Yes, it sounds terrible – I did truly love her. But that’s when I realized that my job gave me life. I gave my all to my work only to be retrenched. Now I do not blame my company as they tried everything in their power to avoid it which seriously means so much to an employee like me.

However the fact remains…I could not be spared from this. At times it feels as if my entire world has crumbled.

Initially I felt shock, but lately I have been feeling embarrassed, maddened, depressed, lonely, temperamental, frustrated, irritated, feeling helpless and hopeless.

I have worked extremely hard to get where I am today midst struggles of proving my worth when I was judged by my age, employers making business decisions that they viewed would be better for them thus not giving me the opportunity to prove myself – I understand that but do not agree with it, working harder than my peers so to prove my worth and gain more exposure and ensure the well-being of my family. My point is…I managed to get quite far considering what I just mentioned yet the worry of the loss of income and what the future may hold and companies only offering lower salaries which could set me back by 1/3 to 2/3’s of what I was earning has led me to becoming so confused and forgetful, lacking the ability to pay attention and have less interest in those things that brought me joy before.

I have good days and I have bad days thus sharing what I go through on both accounts.

During my bad days I have journeyed through the “five stages of grief”:

Denial – “This can’t be happening to me”

Anger – “Why is this happening?”, “Who is to blame?”

Bargaining – “Make this not happen”, “Perhaps I could work part time?”

Depression – “I’m too sad to do anything”, “There’s no point.”

Acceptance – “I’m at peace with what happened and I am moving on”.

Honestly I am still between stages and travel through them every day.

“In some cases, the retrenched go through a grieving process that lasts many months, or even years, similar to a death of a close friend or family member”

A few of my thought processes are as follows: how do I deal with the mourning, how do I keep energies up, how do I keep motivated and positive.

On my good days I feel as if I can take on the world, set aside the morbid emotions and sadness; grab the morning by its horns and get cracking. I have this positive outlook and work on job applications, position proposals, etc etc. The challenges that come my way seem to be inviting making me want to overcome them with perseverance and courage  – however my bad days currently seem to be more frequent.  

What's getting to me is that I am the type of person who usually sees the positive in the negative / turns the negative into a positive, however am seriously struggling to do this lately. I'm get more depro for being depro - if that makes sense.

No matter how I feel today or on my bad days - I will get through this and come out on top again. 

The Wolf – Emotional Rape (Psychological Abuse / Emotional Abuse)

By Shirley Y:

I never thought that deep hate by someone could cause me so much harm emotionally whereby I feel exploited and humiliated. This hate and the actions that proceeded from this hate has caused me shame, and made me feel so dirty and degraded.

This after I tried to make right the wrong; What happened to forgiveness and trying to understand a person who has wronged you? I was always told not to return evil with evil, I unfortunately got the short end of this stick.

Look at the scenario in the Bible about the woman whom the Pharisees claim they “caught” in the act of adultery, and brought before Jesus. The Pharisees brought the woman to be tried and punished, and wanted her to be stoned to death. And Jesus said, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8 ) – He forgave the woman and showed her immeasurable grace . It really is the goodness of God that brings man to repentance.

I have shown deep remorse for my failures and all I have received was judgement and condemnation, public humiliation and the arrogance of my accuser. I thought that sincere remorse would be reciprocated by forgiveness or kindness  but that was delusional thinking. I cannot forgive myself because I don’t have the strength to anymore. Its in these moments you pray and you hope that someone else could help you forgive yourself.

The aftermath of emotional rape often includes rage, obsessive thoughts even your dreams are bombarded with the events that took place, low to no self-esteem, anxiety, fear that you are evil, inability to trust, use of alcohol or developing new unhealthy habits, physical illness, extreme irritability, temper issues, and isolation. I experience most of these.

My heart, psyche, and soul seems ravaged by The Wolf’s hate and wrongful blame. 

Without noticing it I give control to The Wolf, so that the Wolf diminishes me in ways I never thought possible.

The very words and actions of The Wolf are crawling under my skin, gaffing the flesh off my bones. These wounds don’t seem to heal.  My anger and rage towards this makes me lose sight of what it real, I fear the lack of self-control. I struggle to find myself again. 

You sometimes wish that The Wolf could have rather hurt you physically than have to feel this pain. The knowing that your name has been tarnished and you have been wrongfully blamed.  Yes, you also had a part to play but that of a fraction.

I feel anger, revenge yet love and compassion at the same time for The Wolf’s pain.

I feel re-victimized when my friends start questioning me making assumptions based on non-truths, and so I start questioning people and their motives, and the dawn of self-blame starts.

It can cripple all you are meant to be as they allow something untrue to define you.

I feel my heart has been ripped out, trampled on, and exposed to the world and I’m living to see it all happen.

Sometimes this trauma feels so severe; I’m not sure if I can get over it and I find myself thinking “How the heck did this happen to me?”

All I think is, “I just want to get over this”, “grow up and harden your heart”, “stop being such a softy”.

I embark on my daily journey with no sense of confidence however every morning I have a mask of confidence and happiness that I put on so that I do not have the world looking down on me.

I miss who I was; I put a mask on so the world may not see my pain, and I so badly desire to forgive The Wolf, my heart has the desire to forgive but my flesh wants to hate and get revenge / justice.

Quote: Sticks and stones can break my bones but hateful words can cut through the very depth of my soul.