I unapologetically loved Polar
(Spoilery) I can’t find much positivity about Polar at the moment and I think that’s sad because I, a very picky movie watcher, couldn’t stop watching it. Everyone keeps calling it “boring” (HOW?!) or “drowning in gore and stupidity” (major lolz!) or that it objectifies women (as we all immediately GIF Mads’ ass).
I love comic book movies (and I said comic, not superhero). Old Batman, Hellboy, Sin City–type movies, not the newer Marvel flicks.
Polar felt like a comic cliche come to life: overly saturated colors, overly saturated characters, brooding protagonist with very little dialogue, silly (crazy/fucked up/asinine) situations including the background action, guns, GUNS, over-the-top technology that makes no sense, gross sword-loving bad guys with lotion, Batman-style henchmen that all looked identical … I could go on, so I will because I thought it was all amazing.
Right off the bat, I remembered the female characters’ names. ALL OF THEM. they SPOKE to each other. I do not remember all the male names. The women had emotions beyond crying, beyond being bitchy, beyond being background noise. They each had a personality and it did not involve wanting to bang guys (SINDY WAS WORKING, FFS, AS WAS EVALINA, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA SLUT SHAME HARD WORKING GALS NOW?). XD
Jazmin! I want to know MORE. I WANT A WHOLE MOVIE FOR HER!
Camille. Soft, child-like. AND THE ONLY ONE WITH ANY HUMAN EMPATHY.
The A-team was led by a woman. Duncan’s contact was a woman. He had sexy time with a prostitute who we barely see and yet I loved because she made the RIGHT decision for her kid to leave Duncan high and dry. Hell yes, girl. Take that money and run from that lying ass who just put your family in danger.
I heard negative rumblings about Sindy. I loved Sindy. She never wielded a weapon because her body was her weapon. It’s why she was the only character without a gun. She didn’t need it. She was the chameleon who slithered into the target’s life as need be without having to resort to brute force. She wasn’t stupid and air-headed, she was clever. That’s why she flips the fuck out when her nose gets bloodied. HOW DARE A PEON TOUCH HER. And the Sindy+Duncan sex scene wasn’t gratuitous, it was the opening scene of the comic. They couldn’t leave it out! IT WAS ICONIC!
The whole movie was shot like the frames of a comic, and when you write a comic, you don’t draw a bunch of useless or unfunny, dialogue-less, or actionless scene. There’s no point. It’s boring. Because of that, there was a constant stream of jokes (the $50 dog, the goldfish, the background banter at the convenience store: “Wasn’t Jesus sexy?” all while Duncan hovers in front on a cooler marked CHEESE). It was hilarious. And cheesy. It was supposed to be! Am I the only one who heard all that? The shopkeeper? Yes? No?
BLUT! OMG! He can’t even run (because he’s never had to run until DUNCAN) so he shuffles down the hall. I laughed my ass off! Matt Lucas was perfect as Blut! So much gross! The lotion! That bloated corpse-like skin! The point that the entire movie centered around him not wanting to pay anyone their pensions. I’M STILL LAUGHING, BUT THIS TIME IT’S MORE OF A LAUGH/CRY BECAUSE IT’S SO TOPICAL.
Then: WAM! BAM! SPLIF! BORF! The bone crunching in every. single. henchmans. death. was. unneeded. and. still. I. loved. it. It was repetitive and ridiculous and by the end of that post-torture fight scene, even Duncan is exhausted and cannot believe the henchmen are still coming. At the final fight, the henchmen even turn the tables, choosing to live another day. They apologize to Duncan and again, I laughed my ass off watching them sneak by Dunc and divulge what floor Blut was on. PURE HENCHMEN ARE PURE.
People are quick to cry OH THE WOMEN ARE OBJECTIFIED as they completely forget about all the male red shirts (with no names or dialogue) dying in the background like lemmings off a cliff. Literal objectification. They aren’t men. They are pieces of the set.
Moving on, you know why Mads Mikkelsen had to be Duncan? Because Polar was Mads’ wet dream.
Kung-fu like fight scenes? Check.
Vague weird flashbacks? Check.
Hot 50-year-old “good” guy who still has all the best moves? Check.
Does he save the girl? YEP.
Can he not have a love interest? CERTAINLY.
But still has a sex scene right? YOU GOT IT! HOW ABOUT 2?!
PIE FROM A PROCTOLOGIST? CHECK!
The absurdity was what made me unable to stop watching. The A-team’s search for Duncan was one of my favorite sequences. The houses they crashed. The people they killed. Each one unique and outrageous. The photographer in white. The punk squatters. The fat dude that wouldn’t die.
HOW DID ANYONE NOT LOVE THIS CRAZY STUPID, AMAZING GODDAMN MOVIE? You get everything I just mentioned AND MADS.
I’m out of breath. It’s playing in the background.
The scene with the dog, guys! THE DOG.
The frame-by-frame fight scenes that felt like a comic book.
THE SCENE WITH THE KIDS AT SCHOOL. I can’t.
And just imagine the fanfic AU where Will Graham is Camille. I mean, someone is probably already writing it! (And of COURSE, it’s not me.)
I don’t bother watching moves anymore. They are all cookie cutter flicks to sell seats or just one of a million unnecessary sequels milking franchises for every nickel they can.
Having little kids in my house, a two-hour chunk of time is precious to me and I would gladly watch Polar again. It was exactly the funny, twisted, comic-styled movie I’ve been craving, plus MADS gets to do what MADS LOVES TO DO! Barely talk and still be the badass we all love to love.
To everyone who thought it was boring, I have no idea what movie you watched.
To everyone who thought it was gratuitous and violent, you clearly never read the comic.
To everyone who thought it was stupid, I agree. It was stupidly awesome and I am hungry for more.
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