ꢤ ꨄ ꢆ  

you’ve been struggling for years, since you were a kid, but you’re still fat

you were in forced recovery and you can’t seem to bounce back

you keep saying you’ll start tomorrow, or you’ll lock in next week or on a specific date, etc

you ended up in a binge cycle and gained more than what you started at

you developed BED as a result of ana or recovery from ana

etc

wake up tomorrow and weigh yourself. stare at the number the same way you did the first time you saw it. look at it with the same childlike horror and wonder if the scale is malfunctioning, and realize how big you actually are. look at yourself in the mirror for as long as you need and point out every imperfection. realize how much fat is actually covering your body. don’t open your phone or any calorie counting apps, don’t look at yourself past self, don’t think how “today i’m gonna actually lock in.” think of how disgusting you are. look at yourself, take it all in.

go throughout your day body checking and berating yourself, pinching your thighs or hitting your arms whenever you can. shake at the thought of food. don’t tell anyone. act like this is your first time. act like you’re still a child, act like you’re just going to “go on a diet,” and you’ll “eat normal at your gw.” treat yourself like the start of this. because it is, this is a new start, this is when you’re actually going to lose the weight, when youre actually going to push yourself.