confessions of a totally cool and awesome girl

i haven't posted here in a while but i wanted to anyway even tho no one sees this. i have finished my first month of sobriety and my life has only gotten worse. i finally started on antidepressants and adhd meds but those don't really help, the biggest plus side is that they rlly helped me lose weight. i started cutting for the first time in a while and purging too. this regression is great! all i want more than anything is weed and alc, ive even been having dreams about it. some people have started noticing my weight loss, but my mom's getting a little too concerned about it. i just want to hit a salvia bong and turn into a mountain for 67 million years. i hate school, i hate being home even more, and i feel a constant sense of needing to leave. my grades are worse than when i was geeked every class. damn. whoever said sobriety was good is a fucking liar and should burn in hell. fml fml fml

guys look at the vision board i made for my avid class wowie

listening to SOPHIE is the only cope rn send help

i just want sum puh why am i so miserable now OMG. fml fml fml

as i mentioned in my first entry, i have never had a romantic interaction in my life. i have never held someone's hand (romantically), never hugged or kissed anyone (also romantically), never dated anyone, and most definitely never had sex (not that there's anything wrong with having sex of course). i am currently in high school where around 99% of people have had previous romantic entanglements. the thing is, no one ever talks about the impact that has on your self worth (it obv shouldn't, but it does). it makes you feel so undesireable. as young women we have heard countless stories of men using women purely for their bodies, but these hos don't even want me for my body. i get compliments all the time from other girls about how pretty i am and how nice my hair and body are but have NEVER in my life been approached by a man. don't get me wrong i despise men, but for some reason their validation seems like the most wonderful thing in the world.

i don't feel like a woman anymore. not like in a "i saw the tv glow" kinda way but in a "i feel so ugly and disgusting that i don't deserve the title of a woman" kind of way. at school i feel like the most horrendous looking freak ever, and as soon as i get home i feel even more sub human. i think part of it is all the bp stuff on my phone. i need to get off that damn phone. but it's like i get all of these compliments at school and in public but i honestly feel so ugly that im not even human. to make it even worse, i've never had a boyfriend, or even girlfriend (im in high school btw). it seems that by now, everybody and their mother has dated someone, even the kids who most definitely do NOT shower. i know im obviously not the greatest catch, but like damn, what is so wrong with me that makes me boy (and girl) repellent? thoughts?