a reflection on every boy i’ve had intense feelings for
one was standard & unrequited, something that never came through
the other was the potential i yearned for, a first to say the least
one was how i understood real love, one that i thought would last forever
if you’re reading this, this is probably a side I’ve never talked about much. not even with people closest to me.
i’m very intentional. this is something i learned about myself as I got to experience meeting new people. i’m intentional in a way that when i speak to you, i intend on exploring our interests and potentially connect on a personal level. this is not limited to romantic relationships but building a connection with someone in general.
it starts with first impressions—your attractiveness, style, music taste, hobbies, social media, or the kind of people you spend time with etc.—these are surface level things that would make first interactions worth my time.
and as for the boys i’ve intensely liked, this is what they all had in common—they’re nerds and are into music.
don’t get me wrong though, i don’t romanticize nerds! i genuinely like talking to people who have these random fun facts and hobbies/interests that they’re excited to talk about. like bro! anyone can be cool appearance-wise. however, just like what matty said: “u got a beautiful face but got nothing to say” is a deal breaker.
again, those are surface level things. i’ve learned to only deeply love someone for their intentions and how they see what life has to offer. i never could have held hands, kiss, or had sex to know these things—i could have loved with just the proximity and connection, regardless!
i guess i’m writing this to reflect on the kind of men i attract and somehow try to evaluate better.
the first guy was just an intense crush. i’m pretty sure everything was platonic. it just seemed like there was a rush to how our connection started and how he treated me because i obviously liked him—the right term is delusional XD.
the last two guys I dated all started as this nerdy, yapper, and romantic men only to end up as avoidant boys who can't end things clearly—they just decide to pull away without the accountability.
i confronted them both. i always knew what I wanted.
for this one guy, he worked as a barista at this local cafe. he had long hair, cute, and really tall. so I had to do something! i did the first move. i was just pretty confident about it since he didn’t know me, we had no mutual friends, and it literally was our first time at the cafe.
me: r u the barista dude?
him: yes hi that is me, why?
me: can u click the link on my bio, it’s for research
(this was the video: https://youtu.be/bzLaL0SVwwI?si=oGe7Wkb2-5kHCnzO)
he did the same thing. he put a link on his bio to answer the question to the said video.
it was the cutest, actually!
we dated for 3 months? i can’t really remember. but what I do remember is how broken he was in every sense of the word. it’s like he punishes himself from deserving good things.
it would’ve been hard to put up with it. i knew that even though i could be good to him, i wouldn’t have wanted to be in a position of fixing someone.
and finally, to the last boy. 2.8 years. my first relationship, my first for most things. my first love, first heartbreak.
i had the loveliest time. i didn’t know that this was how it felt like to be loved with intention.
yet, little did i know how it would feel to be hurt and left by the same boy who showed you what love is.
although, it hurt me so much and that i still have love for him. i’m proud of myself to not have begged him to stay.
I was alienated to the whole concept of heartbreaks. i genuinely thought things would stay the same. i still find it hard to grasp that people could just leave despite having loved you and also deeply loving them.
i guess it’s the way it is. you love while feeling secured but also acknowledging the fact that you might grieve.
it may sound ironic but i believe its non-attachment at its core? like how letting things be.
today, i somehow feel that i’m handling it well. i just let it linger when it has to and go on with my day.
i'm glad to have loved whole-heartedly.
i don't regret any of it!
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