Baby Steps

When I was feeling a little better yesterday I committed to hanging out with my friends and I had to cancel on them. They’re understanding but I feel like a bad person for it.

Last week it took every ounce of my strength to get out of bed and move to the couch. Today I’m at a cafe sipping a dirty chai and doing my local crossword. I am so so thankful that I’m here.

I took myself out for lunch today and went for another walk. I’m seeing a friend tonight. I still don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I almost didn’t make it to this week. When I think about what I tried to do and I’m honest with myself about it I just feel so guilty. I should have thought about my girlfriend. I should have thought about my family. I don’t think I thought about anything, I just wanted it all to stop.

The truth is I’m not broken. I have people who love me and rely on me. I have stuff I need to work through. I need to reset my life because what I’m doing is not working. I have to be willing to do the work and not just rely on the meds.

My goals for now

- find a hobby that brings me joy

- start working out every day

- make my own healthy meals

- develop a daily routine and stick to it

- a diagnosis is a tool in your toolbox, not a path to a cure

- most people take 5-10 years to find stability but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it

- you are responsible for managing your condition. Nobody can force you to get better

- there will always be hard days and good days but the good days make the hard days worth it

At this moment I feel a thousand years old

Like a rock caught in a riverbed

Feeling the weight of the rushing water

The sediment scraping, slowly whittling away parts of me

Just waiting for a hoof, or a paw, or a foot

To once again dislodge me so I can rejoin the river

I’m stuck inside today because I’m too scared to leave. Feeling like this is really bringing up a lot of feelings from my abusive relationship being so unsafe and on edge all the time. This morning my girlfriend asked me why I didn’t stick to one of my strategies and I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I feel like I’m just barely holding it together.

I sent a reply back that I’m not proud of telling her how I felt about the friendship. How I felt I didn’t have space to talk about my feelings and how I was always there for her but I didn’t feel like she was there for me.

I think it’s all part of a pattern. I pour love into people who are not capable of giving me that love and validation back. Everyone except for my girlfriend. She is my soulmate.

Those words will still echo in my head, even though I know I have dragged myself out of hell and I’ll do so again. I’ll add them to the list I have from my ex boyfriend that pop up on my worst days. Lazy, hated, too much, coward, waste of space, ugly, stupid, crazy, delusional, unable to be loved. I’ll try to fight them with good things, even when I don’t believe them.