I graduate high school in two and a half weeks, and for someone who was so ecstatic to be done with it all, I am nothing but a pool of self pity. I didn't have friends for three and a half years of my high school career, and the friends from that last half secretly hated me the whole time so I'm not quite sure that that counts - but it felt real at the time, for me at least.
My first grievance is that I never went to a high school football game, one of my biggest regrets, but then again, football games are social activities, not exactly things you go to on your own..., and I was always on my own. It's frustrating to me when people try to relate their experiences to mine, because for the most part people who claim to have had no friends at the start of high school usually found their place with friends by the end of their first year. It's also frustrating when people who are lonely by choice try to relate to me as well, because they turn away friendships out of a general lack of care for then, and then proceed to try to sympathize with me as though they were intentionally ostracized with no opportunities to make friends like me. I was bullied for my first two years, made into an inside joke for the entire class, even seniors who I never even knew. I was ignored my second two years, the 'friends' I made assuming that I was new to the school in my last semester when I had been there for two years.
I know that this is just me throwing myself a pity party and trying to make myself feel better for the fact that I entirely wasted my high school years, but its working somewhat, so I'll continue. My second grievance is that I never went to a high school party. The last party of the year that I might have had a chance to attend - not because I was invited, but because my girlfriend was - happens to be tomorrow, and I happen to be at my grandma's funeral. I know high school parties are trivial and silly but I feel like it's an essential experience that I missed out on. Ever since I was little I would watch teenagers on the T.V. going to parties and couldn't wait for that to be me, to know what it feels like, and I'll have to live the rest of my life wondering. In my life the only thing I really want is to try everything at least once. And I never once, even got invited to a party.., I guess that bruised my ego a bit. But more than anything I feel left out. I know I'll have time to go to parties in college but it won't be the same, it won't be like the ones from the shows of my childhood, not to mention how underprepared I'll be because of how inexperienced I am.
My insecurity in my lack of experience isn't new by any means though, and it extends to the last grievance that I'll get out of my system tonight: Sex and Drugs (or rather, lack thereof). I've never been drunk and until my last semester of high school, I'd never been high either. Again, I didn't purposefully avoid these things because I'm some kind of goody two shoes, but rather because I was in no social circle where I would even have access to those kinds of things as a minor. Maybe it's good for my health or whatever, but it's just entirely embarrassing when an underclassman has to teach me how to use a cart, or my coworker laughing as she takes a video of me coughing the first time I hit a vape. I just wished I had these experience not only to save myself the embarrassment of having to learn later in life, but also because it restricts me from being able to relate to my peers to an extent. The same things applies with sex, I just wish I was more experienced and versed, that I'd had the good, bad, and the ugly. I lost my virginity to my now girlfriend, and I don't regret it one bit, but I don't think I'm ever going to be with anyone else in the future, sexually or romantically because my girlfriend is everything to me. That being said a part of me wishes I had gotten more versed with that world before we had started dating In the way that she had so I could converse with her about it, and maybe dispel some of my jealousy towards her previous partners - because due to my limited experience I can't fathom you could make love to someone and well, not love them.
At my core, however, like most people, all I really crave is experience and connection. My lack of the former, in most cases limiting my ability to fulfill the latter. I know that high school isn't everything, and that I'll have time to make up for it later..., but I can't ever gets the years back, and I most certainly won't ever experience the kinds of social opportunities and culture that come with being in high school.
