*

feel free to adjust pronouns and such as needed! games played during these lines are: resident evil 4 remake, project zomboid, life is strange: true colors, vampyr, dead by daylight, baldur's gate 3, alan wake 2, content warning, control, stardew valley and ai: the somnium files.

I feel like I need to be making out with the button.

Ooh, trash can. There's always something good in the trash.

There's no sex happening, unless you count me getting fucked by the choices that I make.

I find being a lesbian funny sometimes.

I do this fun thing where I can't read.

Oh, to open a body bag and find a handsome Spanish man.

More women need to just go apeshit.

Yeah, I'm already down bad for them.

If my wife wanted to kill me and drink my blood, I would let her.

If you're gonna bullshit, know your bullshit. Signed, an expert bullshitter.

STOP LOOKING AT MY ASS!

Oh, [NAME], you are so sexy.

I wasn't a [name] sandwich, I was a whole [name] thanksgiving dinner.

I need you to do me a favor: go die.

She's been sucked dry.

Oh, you're gay too, nice!

I wanna build bombs.

NO, YOU GET YOUR CRUSTY, DUSTY, MUSTY ASS BACK HERE!

I guess I'm sexy people.

I got a big, juicy ass.

I'm a lesbian, I invented home improvement.

'The cult is watching right now.'? Great, eat my ass.

I'm getting strong 'your mother sucks cocks in hell' vibes right now.

Did you see that thing? It tried to eat my ass.

A bad bitch never dies.

I love women who are mean to me.

I did not shit myself today... miraculously.

I knew the crabs would come back to haunt me.

You suffer from a memory disorder? Bitch, me too, it's called depression.

Hot girls have tummy issues, it's a well documented fact.

Rock out with your Wok out.

I'm an expert in perversion, don't ask me how, don't ask me why.

I have no rhythm, I am very much a white person.

feel free to edit pronouns, etc. as needed

If we're going to be friends, there really is something I should tell you.

I can tell you one thing about them founding fathers of America; they sure had fabulous wigs.

Your approval is not needed.

I've waited my whole life to hear those words. And I'm very, very, very happy that you're the one to say them.

Nothin' this pretty could be real.

What in gay hell?

Looks like it's the age-old dilemma: style, or substance?

I think of you as an angel.

I think that's healthy!

Do you ever, like, not cry in this room?

Baby, you can have him.

I got a million dream lovers, alright?

I've got a broken heart for every light on Broadway. And when one of them goes out, I just screw in another one, okay, hello good-bye.

I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe. I've got more legs than a bucket of chicken!

I didn't ask to come on this trip, did I? No, I don't think so!

As soon as we get to the next town I am jumping on the first man and riding him all the way to New York City and away from you 'cause this trip sucks! It sucks!

How do I look?

I don't know who he is, but if there's a snowstorm tonight, he's going on my tires.

Since you have obviously learned nothing, I am hereby stripping you of all your princess points.

I don't need a dream. I have a plan.

That might be all fine and dandy but you still have a lot more to learn.

Does everything have to be a joke with you?

This is not a masquerade! This is real life!

Oh, my God, I'm like a compass near north.

You have the potential of a lifetime and you are squandering it.

I want you to turn your swayback little self around on those Robert Clergerie Knockoffs and get back in this car.

Larger than life is just the right size.

No one is so rich as to throw away a friend.

I'll bet you were the brightest in your class, weren't you?

I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield in this car.

You gotta take chances, because you never know, you know what I mean?

I'm not gonna worry about if people accept me or not.

I'm gonna make Hollywood wherever I am at.

I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things and moisturize, I cannot stress this enough.

There are times when you help people, and then there are times when if you help people, you end up being killed.

Go on and talk to him, you speak honky!

This America does not respond kindly to our sort of person.

No one say anything frivolous for the next few moments.

I am having a significant experience.

Try to describe her and not use the word "statuesque".

I've had enough of this conversation, I'm hungry.

Let's just relax. It's gonna be alright.

A car? Mary Alice Louise, no. This is a land yacht.

How you gonna hitchhike if there are no cars, stupid?

I'm not rich, my parents are.

It's like living in a Tex Avery cartoon.

Live life before it lives you.

If you want them to know there is steak for dinner, you got to let them hear it sizzle! Understand?

You ruin my language and I still love you.

I think I'm gonna black out.

Why is he on the ground?

I am not going upstairs with you.

If you were my girl, you'd never cry for anything, except maybe for happiness.

I think tomorrow is a "Say Something" hat day.

Lets throw you a pity party.

You're gonna be second class and you're gonna be second rate your whole life.

Don't quote me but I think this one is decease-ed.

Actin' real proud of yourself just like a New York City girl.

I tell you where I'm going, I ain't going nowhere.

potential spoilers ahead.

sometimes, it would be better to live with that hope, without ever knowing the full story.

the trick is not to end up as either.

the devil on your back, it's in you.

I bear the torch of knowledge.

not a bad place to get murdered.

I liked how dangerous the work was.

you're not the only one deciding these things anymore.

something about morgues, they always cheer me up.

I'd love to blame this on a mass hallucination caused by inhaling volcanic gas, but we both know that's bullshit.

this was supernatural.

I've only been lost once in my life... the years I spent with my ex.

you're not gonna get what you want.

you're gonna get what's coming to you.

is it over?

you keep opening doors. peeking in. reaching through to get what you want, and that puts you in my path.

the next time we meet, the circumstances will be very different.

we are one.

we belong together.

welcome me back home.

don't be the story; make the story.

now that is drama.

the word's a mouthful, so you know it's serious.

earth is a cyclical song.

it's fucking awesome!

you know what happens to cops who say this is their last case.

where did you come from?

I should be taking notes here, this is great stuff!

there's a lot I don't understand.

I'm never getting out of here, am I?

that is by your own choice.

I'm in control now.

the second you try anything, I will shoot you in the head.

I wouldn't go that far.

I don't think you even know who's under your mask.

show me the terror.

who the fuck puts a tree in the middle of the road?

fuck the government!

you're a clown in a mask.

the tough part is hiding the bodies.

you're blocking out your traumatic memories.

cursing/drug mentions, adjust pronouns and such as needed!

“I can’t believe [NAME] is gatekeeping the girlbosses.”

“I lost my lesbian.”

“I wasn’t even thinking, I was just shoving slices into my mouth.”

“what if you didn’t try to kill me? what if we held hands instead?”

“shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck a duck!“

“this is gonna be a fun time, but by a fun time I mean they're going to break my ankles. maybe in a fun way.”

“hi, I’m [NAME] and I’m directionally challenged.”

“I really want to brick somebody.”

“it didn’t work the first three times, what made you think it would work the fourth?”

“don’t be sad. there’s plenty of ass in this lobby for you to eat.”

“I exist to be a piece of shit and I am good at it!”

“[NAME], I don’t know what your side chick told you, but it’s not that big.”

“people come and go but mac and cheese is forever.”

“everything is fine, we have cocaine.”

“don't call it eye lube, or else that'll be your superhero name. “

“we're all a little damaged inside. pobody's nerfect.”

“just kick him in the dick. grab his dick, twist it, kick him in the dick, kick him in the face.”

“....yeah I want a big tiddy goth girlfriend.”

“that's what I like in a woman. at least three felony charges.”

“oh hey, look at us, we’re both naked.”

“they can’t tear my clothes, I’m not wearing clothes.”

“you know what, if you kill [NAME], I will dick you down, how about that?”

“you know what? fuck the cougar. I’m the new apex predator.”

“is that a socket wrench? I'm not that kind of lesbian! I can't build things!”

“my heart does belong to [NAME], he is five times the man you could hope to be.”

“maybe the cheese is trying to kill me, maybe that’s what’s happening.”

“bourbon, let’s fucking go, you know what I want!”

“there’s always something good in the trash.”

“I’m gay, I already have magic superpowers.”

“I don’t know how to not be sad.”

“fuck you, fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck your grandfather, fuck your entire lineage. die.”

“I’m gay, I don’t do math.”

“yeah we're definitely gay, and we're dating a plant-gay.”

“[NAME] can lick the darkest part of my little white ass.”

“I am impressed that the pants are still on.”

“Don’t wiggle your fucking butt at me.”

“I’m just gonna touch myself up, in case she does come over here.”

trigger warnings apply, adjust as needed.

the police have a few more questions.

how are you doing?

it's lots of this and not knowing what to do next.

you're part of this family.

how you doing, kiddo?

I thought you should have been there.

I was outvoted.

he was so hairy, and I've dated italian guys!

are you leaving?

everyone idolizes their dad, right?

where do you come up with that?

why are we doing all of this again?

I read a tweet about a new yorker article about you.

you're famous!

I know who you are.

I read your profile in the new yorker and I found it delightful.

why are you here?

it's just not the same.

are you baiting me?

that's where the real money is.

this is not how I wanted to have this conversation.

you tell her, or I will.

that's none of your business.

I don't know how this mix-up happened.

please, you don't understand.

I know it will hurt, but it's all for the best.

my mind's made up.

just the thought of lying makes me puke.

I feel like I shouldn't be here.

it makes no damn sense.

we are not breaking tradition on my birthday!

you really love drama, huh?

you wanna do drugs?

you know, this is an interesting and efficient method of murder.

I need to write this down.

listen to me!

I thought I heard something.

what do you want me to do?

you've got to be kidding me.

I keep waiting for the big reveal.

those two things don't even conflate.

don't point at me!

I'm warning you!

financially, I'd like to help you out.

I stayed hoping to speak to you a little bit more.

I trust your kind heart.

how about it, watson?

you do as I say and everything will be just fine, I promise.

sweet beans!

what is this? what's this arrangement?

it's funny you're here at all.

why are you even bothering?

we gotta do this more often.

this might be the best thing that could ever happen to you.

nothing good is ever easy.

eat shit!

what do we have here?

this can't be legal.

you little bitch!

did you know about this?

were you in on this from the beginning?

I totally understand what you must be feeling right now.

okay, seriously though, what the hell?

it's the only thing that makes sense.

[name], tell me everything.

did you just google that?

I suspect foul play.

I don't care if I go to jail.

you've come this far, let me help you go all the way.

you should do whatever you think is right.

I won't let that happen.

how do you know all this stuff?

[name], do you hear me?

do you regret helping me yet?

this is going well.

I feel like I swallowed bees.

I couldn't do this without you.

that was the dumbest car chase of all time.

I don't know what you want.

we have to figure it out, right here, right now.

you did this!

you won't get away with this!

this will tie everything up.

you're not much of a detective, are you?

you make a pretty lousy murderer.

perhaps we deserve each other.

you've always been good to me.

that was certainly not what I was expecting at all.

why did you hire me?

you can't be that crazy.

that's some heavy duty conjecture.

you are guilty of nothing but a few amateur theatrics.

are you back again already?

this is stupid with two o's.

you have not a shred of evidence.

in for a penny, in for a pound.

I knew you were guilty as shit.

don't you come near me!

I'm going to say this just to you.

you think I'm not going to fight to protect my home?

oh shut up!

yeah, I killed them.

what do you got on me?

you'll see just how much hell I can wreak on your life.

cursing, violence, all that good shit. feel free to adjust as you please!

you never know what horrible fate your bad luck has saved you from

thank you for taking the job on such short notice.

you are getting the new and improved me.

you put peace out in the world, you get peace back.

you don't have bad luck.

it's good luck. it's all in how you frame it.

you picked me second?

you have the strangest requests.

hey, this is nice!

it's like I got a compulsion or something.

I have to take it if I see it.

a goldfish biscuit? I mean, I don't understand it.

why didn't you tell me to bring that gun?

you're bleeding, mate.

oh shit, who the fuck did I kill?

I don't bleed.

what the fuck is wrong with you?

they're adaptable, like me.

no one likes lemons.

what's the catch? there's always a catch.

oh well, look at this! sleeping beauty!

technically, we're outside contractors.

you ever watch thomas the tank engine?

I always bring my stickers with me, you know that.

I wanna fucking strangle you right now.

why do you always bring swords?

that wasn't our fault.

you sound nervous.

you're overthinking it.

you're under-thinking it.

my job is to keep you safe.

I plan on completing my job.

the case, go get me the fucking case.

he doesn't need a reason to kill people like you; he needs a reason not to.

that's fucking confusing.

you came here to kill me.

you're going to want to hear the whole story, or you'll be very, very sorry.

three words describe our situation right now; do you know what they are?

family's more important than money, right?

let me put this bluntly: there's this soulless psychotic leader with the largest criminal organization on the planet shoved right inside our fucking ass cheeks.

if you mention that one more time I'm going to shoot you in the fucking face.

he asked for pros who wouldn't fuck up.

what do you want?

I'm not in someone else's story, you're all in mine.

deny it all you want, but you work for someone who works for someone else, et cetera et cetera.

I don't know what you think I can do for you.

you're going to kill him for me.

you look so tense.

that sounds dark as shit.

nut up or shut up, bro.

right, so: slight change of plans.

you stabbed me?!

I came here for revenge.

can we just take a time-out here?

I will ruin your life the way you ruined mine.

you are fuckin' excused.

it sounds so easy when you say it.

I'm really good with faces.

we have to have a hard discussion about the caliber of people we're surrounding ourselves with.

why are we whispering?

this rude enough for you, you fucking prick?

shove that hat up your asshole, you hear me?

there's a gun underneath this table pointed right at you.

I' can't really hear what you're saying.

I'm just fucking with you, mate.

who the fuck are you?

you look like every white homeless man I've ever seen.

you shot me. you shot me twice.

I shoot a lot of people.

you also have a shootable face.

I've forgiven, I've moved on.

I've always been lucky.

every day is a fucking headache with you, innit?

what's your plan here?

I'd like to accept your offer.

simple is better.

I ain't got the time or the patience, let alone the interest.

are you following me?

eat a bag of dicks!

I'm not a diesel, you're a diesel.

jesus christ, you had a bit of a bosh.

would you describe me as someone who lives in perpetual anxiety?

wanna make an easy two hundred bucks?

is this like, a sex thing?

all right, game's up.

the innocent young girl act really doesn't get you very far if you're holding a gun.

I wanted to handle it myself.

you can't control what fate has in store for us.

we're not finished.

this is a complete waste of my time.

unlike you, I'm a professional.

get the fuck off my back, will ya?

we need to deal with that twat right fucking now.

be careful, something else is going on here.

I'm never wrong.

you shoot first, come up with the answers later.

you be careful.

we need boundaries.

I knew my luck would rub off on you.

if the gun doesn't kill him, the case will.

I brought you here to fail.

it's a stupid plan.

it's a brilliant plan.

whatever deal was made, it wasn't done with the normal channels.

there's something else going on here.

did you just say whack?

you're really proud of yourself, aren't you?

you sure you don't want to talk this out?

for what it's worth, you seem like a right fucking asshole and I'm glad you're going to fucking die with me.

why did you even bother trying?

I don't think they were in the market for fucking dildos and pantyhose.

I'll do what you want.

you don't know anything about life or how hard it is.

I haven't seen anything like that, I think I'd remember.

I still need a fall guy.

you got a better idea, do you?

I'm finding it very hard to follow this story.

I'm sorry, I get captivated by white girl tears.

I'm really good at reading people and something tells me that you are just not fucking right.

am I dreaming?

I don't know how to shoot a gun.

you are really good, you sure you didn't study?

how do you do that? it's really unbelievable!

I'm glad you enjoyed the performance.

take that, punk!

you bitch!

you gotta be better prepared!

I'm mansplaining again.

you don't seem like a religious person.

you want me to hold your hand?

are you lying on the ground in the fetal position?

how do you always know what I'm doing?

get off your fucking lazy ass and come here and finish the job yourself.

I want to look into your eyes when I kill you.

I'm so happy to see you.

please help me!

I'm sorry darling, I don't know who the fuck you are.

a pretty girl makes a good hostage.

keep your fucking knickers on.

there's been a diesel causing all sorts of fucking havoc.

it was you the whole fucking time!

what the fuck are you doing?

he said he was going to kill you and blame everything on you.

no one's going to hurt you.

we've got to go, right now!

I don't want to be alone, please!

it's not your fault.

you've got your whole life ahead of you.

make sure you do something that brings you peace.

you're not going to let me get hurt? be honest.

you're creeping me out.

I have survived much more and much worse than you.

I'll fucking kill him myself!

her intentions with you were not honorable.

a blind man could see you were the one in the dark.

I did not need to do anything; fate will do what it wills.

fate for me is just another word for bad luck.

I returned home and found nothing except ash and blood.

he had taken everything from me.

I went into hiding and I looked for a way to strike him out without endangering what I had left.

I did not think fate would ever give me the chance to make things right.

everything that's ever happened to you has lead you here.

that's a shit deal.

am I in hell?

where the fuck is my brother?

I'll shoot you in the fucking throat next time!

I'm fast to kick your ass, I swear to god!

we prepare together or we die alone.

if fate wills, I will get my revenge.

I'll get is the fuck out of here.

what are you going to do?

I'm going to buy us some time.

I came to see you and to make you finally see me.

I built myself up from the nothing you gave me.

I was the one who deserved your attention. your love.

you have never been part of my plan.

I got a bad feeling about this.

why does it always gotta be us to do this shit?

why do you do what you do?

nothing in life is an accident.

I will always come for you.

if you do not control your fate, it will control you.

why are you here?

I do not know why you are here, but move out of my way.

I'm sorry I shot you twice.

you are not ruled by strength, you are ruled by fear.

just let it go, bro!

what is with this fucked-up family?

you need some suggested reading, if I may.

was that karma?

did you come to rescue me?

did you need rescuing?

what's happening to your face? are you crying?

do you think maybe there was a little head trauma?

I think you were right about one thing.

maybe you've learned something after all.

who wants a bite of me?

listen babe, nothing is as it seems.

god, you sound like you want to wear her skin.

do you think I did too much?

do you want me to push her in the pool? do you want me to light her hair on fire?

you look incredible tonight.

how could you do this to me?

baby, come on. I would never do this.

channel that anger into getting what you want.

why would he do this to me?

I hated myself for letting my guard down.

peaking in high school is cringe.

you have a really weird energy.

I don’t need your pity.

you insufferable cunt! I know you did this!

I don’t even do cocaine!

you think I framed you?

do you still not want my pity?

I know what it’s like to get screwed over by someone you thought you could trust.

you really had that pent-up, huh?

you look like you want a grilled cheese. let’s get you a grilled cheese.

I thought you were gonna put out a hit on me or something.

okay, I’ll just go fuck myself.

to be honest, I’m still recovering.

I just want to say how sorry I am for what happened to you last year.

oh, I’m sorry ‘school house rock’, are you dragging my sentence structure right now?

we won’t get caught, that’s the whole point.

I don’t want to make her pay. I want to burn her to the ground.

you’re giving off some serious glenn close in fatal attraction energy right now.

I can ruin her in my sleep.

I’m Frankenstein, and you’re Frankenstein’s bad bitch.

your new vibe is high-status cunt.

sometimes you have to pretend to be someone else to get what you want.

oh my god, don’t be so dramatic.

you called me a human birkenstock.

I’ve always been very intrigued by what you do here.

cool.

my ex-girlfriend is mad that I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend.

make revenge mommy proud.

are you stalking me?

I like your shirt. did it come with a bag of granola and a matching pair of Tevas?

what are you doing here?

that’s the exciting part of getting to know someone; you’re a mystery until you’re not.

the orgy usually starts around sundown.

can we talk about it, please?

well, we’re not having sex. you can go fuck yourself.

tell me something nobody knows about you.

I’m interesting, and you want to impress me.

what do you want to be?

we’re all just performing.

this feels illegal.

I want her to hit me with her Tesla and then reverse back over me.

I want her to stuff me like a taxidermy doll and then mount me on her wall like a prize.

I want her to hide my body in the woods and then start the search party trying to find me.

I am so proud of you. this is going to be the best night ever.

I feel like a little butterfly!

it’s called double assurance, sweetie. look it up.

are you on mushrooms?

your instincts were right.

you know you don’t have to be brave with me.

this sucks. it’s allowed to suck.

do you think I’ll feel better?

I’m just so angry all the time.

sometimes it just hurts to exist, you know?

I just want to feel normal again.

I like you; you’re just like me.

I didn’t know you were an artist.

rude... but fair.

don’t equate your worth to some archaic idea of what the best means.

can I say something that might make you very uncomfortable?

I’m shocked! this is shocking news!

we’re casting spells tonight, bitch.

ban men!

get in there and eat that ass, is what I’m saying!

don’t do that! don’t pity me, and definitely don’t touch me!

I lost everything! fucking everything!

they need to feel the consequences of what they did to me.

they have to pay. all of them.

I feel like I’m being eaten alive from the inside, actually.

do you ever look around and just think, how did I get here?

all this shit, it’s just armour.

I really like you. I wanna tell you everything.

everything I thought I hated was exactly what I always wanted.

what’s going on in that head of yours?

I just need a little distraction from all the stress.

can’t we put all this ugliness aside?

I think you handled that very well.

nice entrance.

what do you think you’re doing?

you don’t even answer my texts!

those people do not care about you.

they’re not your friends.

oh my god, you’re pathetic.

none of this is real!

are you any different from them?

are you sure? there’s never been any evidence.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart: fuck you.

did you overhear that?

you said some pretty messed up stuff out there.

someone was probably messing with you.

from the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the worst for the rest of your miserable fucking existence.

I love your ear balls.

sleep with one eye open, bitch.

I’ve had the upper hand the entire time.

you made this pretty easy, I gotta say.

you’ll never get away with this.

I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep anymore.

where does this game end?

there is nothing else you can take away from me.

I’m going to make sure that you’re stuck with your pain forever, because I am stuck with mine.

if you want to ruin me, go ahead. I’m not helping you.

I promise I can explain.

I had no choice!

do you ever think about anyone other than yourself?

I really wanted this to work, but it just doesn’t.

I was deciding between this and elsa, but I kind of thought you weren’t an elsa person, although you are a frigid bitch.

I’m sorry that I hit you with my car.

there’s nothing vapid people love more than making other peoples’ tragedies about them.

don’t cry. it’s alright.

I wish it could have been different.

what should have felt exhilarating just felt rotten.

how did you know I’d be here?

I miss you.

it shouldn’t have taken an accident for me to realize that, and I’m sorry.

I think you’re lucky.

I don’t feel free. I feel like I got hit by a car.

I give up. I’m done.

show everybody what a bad bitch looks like.

I created you, and I can just as easily destroy you.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.

we can’t erase what we did to each other, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore.

you might be the only real friend I’ve ever had.

I will regret what I did to you forever.

I’m sorry.... for everything.

did you just enter doing a slow clap, you cliché piece of shit?

you really are the devil.

I thought we had a whole will-they, won’t-they thing going on.

where are you going with this?

I know all your secrets now.

no one would’ve given a shit about you if it wasn’t for me.

why the fuck are you laughing?

goddamn do I love you right now.

I think we might be fucked-up soulmates.

you are a very lucky girl.

fuck you. we’re over.

I think you should leave.

I don’t want to be that person anymore.

everything you’ve done, everything that’s happened to you, has brought you to this moment.

fuck figuring out who you’re meant to be. stay lost as long as you can.

warning:  may contain spoilers

CHAPTER  TWO:  TRUTH  OR  DARE

it looks like you’re trying to thread a needle with a packet of loose sausages.

I’m almost done, okay?

for the record, your analogies are very hurtful.

if I were a beer, where would I be hiding?

it’s my beerdar. helps me ‘dar for beers.

how am I just noticing how super lame you are?

don’t know what I was expecting.

check out my giant melons.

you just pour the vodka right in it?

it’s the most fun you can have with a hole in a watermelon... well. second most.

can’t pass up an opportunity like this.

have you ever seen a grown man crap his pants?

look, if you’re trying to scare me, it’s not going to work.

you’re not scared of clowns?

you think this is supposed to be funny?

mother hubbard!

no wonder he kept this place locked up.

think he’ll be pissed when he finds out we raided his stash?

it’s like human rights, or whatever.

did a bear do this?

you’re really gonna keep the gun, huh?

what else is in there?

dude! peanut butter fucking butter pops!

they’re like the greatest snack of all time.

they’re like their own thing. like their own subgenre of food snack.

booty? it means like treasure. or butts.

this is where the magic happens.

your wit knows no bounds.

it’s like my mom always says: if you wanna party, you gotta bring protection.

I’m not gonna fuck a bear.

is that a trap door?

it looks like a pit of eternal darkness.

you’re being dramatic.

what can I do for you on this darn-tootin’ doozy of a day?

is that your impression of [name]?

that’s a little forward, but I can see what I can do.

you’re not a little bit curious?

I can’t promise that.

what the fuck?

is [name] spying on us?

it’s not exactly secret, it’s just hidden by stuff.

it’s gotta be something juicy in here.

I’m leaving the secret lair, have fun.

it’s kind of hard to talk about right now.

it’s really very pretty out here when there’s no kids around.

they always seem to listen to you.

you’ve seen my class?

are you sure this is safe?

it’s alright, calm down!

so do you ever think about what’s next?

sometimes I just try to like... let it happen, you know?

I guess that is a little freeing in a sociopathic kind of way.

damn, [name]. you’re really good.

it’s really cool you know that about yourself.

not everyone knows what they’re capable of, you know?

I’m sure you’re capable of a lot, [name].

you’ll figure it out.

did you hear that?

it’s probably nothing.

no, listen. there’s something there.

what the hell, [name]?

that thing almost just mauled me to death!

I think she was coming onto me.

aw, you got yourself a little girlfriend!

[name] is a voyeuristic creep.

he’s got cameras hidden everywhere in a secret room.

you have no imagination.

yeah, that’s pretty spooky.

we may never see each other again after tonight.

just trying to set the mood.

big jokes take big sacrifices.

I just want to shrink you down to a little pocket person and put you in my pocket and then peep at you when I need a little pick-me-up!

where the hell did that gun come from?

pop pop! peanut butter butter pops! pop pop! pop ‘em in your mouth!

please hand me the shotgun.

what, you’re going to shoot me over them?

guess we’re gonna have ourselves an old-fashioned shootout.

I’m just letting you know, your goose is cooked.

what I say goes, got it?

I’m always hot, pencil dick!

don’t be gross!

no sweat, we all get performance anxiety sometimes.

alright, let’s see what you got.

better luck next time!

you’re very mean.

you thought this was over?

let’s make some memories!

how about the ultimate game of secrets and lies? truth or dare.

truth or dare?

you really dodged a bullet, huh?

take it easy, that’s too far.

your dare comes with a choice.

I can do whatever I want.

sorry, I don’t make the rules.

always happy to please.

alright, let’s see what you’re made of.

I dare you to take a flying leap over that fire pit.... naked.

yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

I don’t know if that’s a good idea.

he’s good.

you like kissing my girlfriend?

it’s just a game!

hey, I’m nobody’s girlfriend.

[name], grow up!

you should probably go find [name].

fuck this.

I am, as always, delighted that you’re here.

sometimes one needs to be strung up in order to let go.

there’s more to show you, if you’ll let me.

I’ll see you again, you can count on that.

CHAPTER  THREE:  TROUBLE  IN  PARADISE

what are we, in middle school?

why should I even care?

you ran off.

I think that game just got a little too intense for me.

I know what you mean.

guess [name]’s had a thing for you all along.

they’re just trying to make [name] jealous. 

I was just playing along.

you seem to enjoy playing along.

I guess you found me, then.

sneaking down here was a lot more fun when we thought we could get caught, huh?

I thought we agreed that this — us — was just supposed to be some summer fun.

you just love having an audience, huh?

what are we, twelve?

you really love fucking with me, huh?

lighten up sourpuss, please!

this is not how tonight was supposed to go.

you know what, nothing. nothing. nevermind.

you can stand here, sulking and driving yourself crazy, or you could go grab us some towels.

we agreed, summer fun, right? apparently, summer is not quite over.

yeah, we’ll see about that.

we could shake it out doggy-style.

wow! you really know how to talk to a girl, don’t you?

look, you can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.

I need a big, strong, not at all insecure man to come save me!

stop being a grump!

dick move.

I don’t want this to end.

I had a great summer with you.

if I can do a backflip off of here, you’ll let me come visit you, okay?

oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!

it was like a scream, but not the good kind of scream.

I’m gonna go check it out.

that was some mighty fine social disruption there, I have to say.

you’re an evil genius.

what do you want to do now?

we gotta go!

can you walk?

come on, let’s get back to the fire.

just let me down, okay?

don’t hurt me, please!

oh jesus christ, what the fuck are you doing?

helps if you close your eyes.

it’s for your own good.

seems like just a blink, and you’re back to see me again.

so, what have we got?

watch your step, it could be your last.

warning:  may contain spoilers

PROLOGUE

why’d you kill the music?

we’re not lost, we’re in geographic flux.

I lost track like two hundred miles ago.

do you think we hit a person?

maybe it looks worse than it is.

the sooner we get out of here, the better.

just picture yourself curling up in front of a big ol’ fire pit singing campfire singalongs.

I’m worried that there’s somebody down there.

I heard something, like a woman.

I just want to check it out.

just don’t go too far, okay? be careful.

talk to me. what’s going on?

it’s the woods. there’s a lot of stuff out there, there’s animals. it’s easy to freak yourself out.

oh my god, my heart just exploded!

that guy was giving me major weirdo vibes.

was that blood?

I think I’ve had enough woodland encounters for one night.

do I look like a ma’am to you? I’ve got twenty years before I’m a ma’am!

I’m kind of into ma’ams.

there’s someone in there.

I’m not seeing anyone.

there was definitely someone there.

you’ve seen the evil dead, right?

you must be exhausted; I know I am.

I think I’m bleeding a lot.

we are friends, aren’t we?

I’ve waited for you.

I hope our time together proves enlightening.

there’s no need to be frightened; I’m here to help you.

if you let me help you, I can help you.

we can help each other.

we all know a fool when we see one, don’t we?

there are secrets out there. secrets and lies.

CHAPTER  ONE:  HACKETT’S  QUARRY  FOREVER!

you know how many hearts are broken on the last day of summer camp? it’s like a romanci-pocalypse.

you never know. the universe has a kind of thing about working these things out.

so she dumped your ass, huh.

you’re a bad person!

who would want to leave a place like this?

really dude? locking me out?

you were telling me about how you totally have a thing for [name].

man, she has you wrapped all around that dainty little finger of hers. how does she do it?

it was just like, a stupid summer fling.

one more night in the great outdoors might kill me.

I wish I had some singles.

freaks. I’m surrounded by freaks.

nothing’s ever your fault, is it?

is being dumped an emergency?

I either got zero signal, or everybody’s already forgotten I exist.

I can go one more day without a phone.

sometimes you know stuff I don’t.

keep dreaming, junior.

maybe not everyone is looking for a relationship.

we’d better not get in trouble.

I won’t tell if you won’t tell.

are you sure they’re gonna think it was a bear?

relax. it’s not like we killed someone.

how are you so annoying?

it’s just acting. it’s what the people want.

in a way, faking it is just being yourself, but louder.

email? are you ninety-three?

was that a compliment?

your charm is infectious, what can I say?

worried [name] is going to leave without you?

I can take care of my own bag, thank you.

you think I was listening to a podcast about you?

at least I don’t look and smell like a butt.

the who of the whatsit where now?

some people say that if she catches you alone, she’ll try to turn you into her son.

you made that up.

no big deal, you can share my earbuds.

I’m actually glad we got a moment to talk.

you got a hot date tonight?

if you only knew.

what did you need me for?

I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.

just stick to kumbaya next time, okay?

good grief, I’m outgrowing my own cliches.

seriously, [name], what’s going on?

them’s the rules, ya noob!

I try not to dwell on the past.

I think there’s something wrong with the engine.

coulda and shoulda doesn’t mean it is!

it’s not that big of a deal. we’ll just spend one more night here.

stop, just let me think!

lock the doors. no one in, no one out. no one. got it?

I’ll be back first thing in the morning.

can you promise me you’ll do that?

for god’s sake, keep the noise down!

so... what was that about?

are you kidding me?

what are we supposed to do?

just a bunch of grown-ass adults ready to cut loose and get down with their animal side.

P, A, R, T, why the fuck not?

it seems like the stars have aligned for us.

dude, fuck yes! I’m in.

I go where my people need me.

he was just trying to freak us out!

why would he want to scare us?

you don’t want to disappoint ‘daddy’.

it’s gonna be fine, trust me. it’s gonna be chill.

let’s see what you’ve found.

there’s more I can show you, if you’d like.

I was hoping you’d say that.