the boy could only stay quiet for so long. past the subjugation of the ride itself combined with the sheer might of the mare’s steady gallop and the grandiose figures of loxia and aretuza crowned by the magnificence of garstang palace, he falls back into his perpetual efflux of words. “loxia is on the ground floor,” tissaia replies, her voice magically enhanced to cover the sounds of the hooves beating the cobbles below. “this is where you will stay.” as they draw closer, she adds, “the school, where i stay, is just above it.” no mention is made of the palace nor of the dilapidated tower rising high above it. tor lara is bedecked in gulls, the birds squawking and screeching they cannot possibly hear. as they loop, land and take flight in an incessant flapping of wings. “zelda will know where to find you. I have left a message for her.” a lie, reassurance, some semblance of meek comfort, all that could easily be doled out but if it crosses her mind it is immediately and swifty swatted away, so accustomed is the rectoress to conduct herself with a discipline severely dispensed to the young novices under her tutelage. concern, though, about the witcheress’s fate isn’t something she can so easily shed. Instead of settling heavily in her belly and swell like some malignant lump poisoning her from within, it sets its teeth into the meat of her thoughts to gnaw and worry and masticate the tender substance until tissaia can no longer bear the devouring presence. the mare is pulled to an abrupt halt prefacing a brisk dismount. pulling the boy down, she signals with a mere jut of her chin for a serving girl to lead the animal to the stables. “you,” she snaps at jack, “follow me.” the wind is sharp, biting gusts finding any patch of exposed skin to nip at it, but tissaia pushes through it as though it were nothing but a soft breeze. “the girls in blue dresses are novices. you are not to distract them under any circumstance. if they happen to seek out your company: you are to ignore them entirely.” against the cold tiles underfoot, her steps ring in a steady rhythm that no one and nothing would dare interrupt. they make their way down a labyrinth-like set of hallways and corridors drawing them further into the bowels of loxia until they reach a nondescript door she pushes open. “where has she gone?” the rectoress walks in, busies herself with a room in impeccable order. “how long ago?”

  the extravegence of it all took jack a few moments to process . he heard tissaia speaking to him , her words a blanket over the horses hooves on the cobbles and the wind nipping at his skin . the tower is what really caught his eye , only thinking of how someone managed to build something up so high into the sky -- or if maybe it took magic to accomplish . he figured now was not the best time to ask and at the mention of the witcheress his attention is swiftly brought back to tissaia. “ then she will find me soon . I won't have to stay too long . ” the statement is more to assure himself than anything .

once they stopped and the horse was guided away by the serving girl , jack followed next to tissaia , attempting to walk as close as he could get without all but tripping over her . it was much colder now that he was not leaning back against her . she seemed unbothered --- walking with the grace as if it were a warm spring day . the cold air felt unbearable against his body and jack was more than relieved once they finally entered the ground floor . “ what’s a novice ? ‘s that mean they’re your students ? could I be one ? ” without the cold air or the grandiosity of the tower to distract him , jack went back to his usual state of curiosity . it was as if his head were on a swivel , not being able to even make it a few steps before having to turn to look back at the girls dressed in blue -- or up at the tremendous ceilings . it took all of jacks might not to hold tissaia’s hand as they ventured further down long halls and passageways . the room she eventually opened the door to was without a single blemish -- cleaner and more pristine than any of the inn rooms him and zelda had ever stayed in . yet it felt uncomfortable , and empty without the woman who had been raising him the past few months . he missed zelda something terrible and the feeling felt like a wave washing over him as he stood quietly in the room .

The witcher’s hollow eyes never left the boy’s face, even as the tears spilt down his cheeks to the corners of his miserable mouth. He deserved to know the truth, and she thought if he was to find out then it ought to be from her. From someone he trusted, who he knew would protect him. From someone who loved him.

It didn’t matter to her when he pushed her hand away from his hair. She understood why he did it. She understood his anger, his confusion, his heartbreak; wondering what could have been done differently. She had been through every scenario in her head. What if, what if. But it was all pointless, because nothing could be done to change what had already happened. Tissaia was dead. 

Zelda had aged by years in the time she had learnt about the suicide. She no longer had to smile for the corners of her eyes to wrinkle.    “I know where she is, Jack,”   she said softly, sadly.   “Her body…”   

She didn’t know how to explain it to the boy. He was child! It felt cruel to expose him to it. To the realities. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen corpses before; on their travels it had been unavoidable, though she had done her best to keep him from the worst of it, but this was different, because this was someone he had known, someone he had spent significant time with; someone who he loved. How could she make him understand that he would never see her again? Except, perhaps, in memories and dreams. It would take time, she thought. Time.

Jack looked distant. Zelda took him by his shoulders.   “Something bad happened, Jack. With the mages. Tissaia didn’t– couldn’t–”   Her teeth bared, like she was in pain. It had only been a few months before that they had made a promise to each other.   “I miss her too.”    Hold him, she thought. And she did, whether he wanted it or not. She wrapped her arms around him and brought him in close, cradling the back of his head in her hand. He felt rigid against her.

  “No tricks. I promise.”   She soothed.    “Let it out. Don’t hold onto it.”

   her body ? his nose scrunches again , shoulders tensing uncomfortably for a moment before the feeling passes . the more zelda spoke the more it confirmed what she had told him originally , that tissaia was in fact dead .

    if he thought about it too much then everything made perfect sense . jack had been sitting in the same place for nearly two hours since they arrived , watching zelda speak to different people , mages , nobles . she finally stopped to tell him what he never wished to hear from anyone , let alone zelda . if he stopped letting his mind spin with questions then it all felt more tangible , like the earth was opening up beneath his feet , ready to engulf him . did zelda feel the same ? did she not feel hysterical ? surely she did . she must !

    “ you’re wrong ! she told me i was coming to stay with her in a few days time . we’re not even supposed t’be here yet ! ” jack always counted the weeks between visits . it had been three months to the day , and zelda’s next contract was coming up . they had been nearing tissaia’s direction but the trip was expedited after zelda received a letter --- the contents of which jack was not allowed to know . they didn’t take any stops in-between , no swimming in lakes , or stopping at local markets for sweets . both exhausted , it had taken one night and an entire day’s ride to arrive . now , here they were --- jack had expected tissaia to scold to witcheress for making him stay up so late upon their entrance , but obviously that had not been the case . 

     “ WHERE is she !! ”  the familiar feeling of zelda pulling him against her is enough to send jack into a frenzy , blond head pushing back against her hold so she could see the narrowed eyes which continued to harbor a steady stream of tears , only his ears and nose growing red with anguish and frustration . “ something bad happened ?! ‘nd you don’t want to help her ?! you don’t want to tell me ! ” his pained voice grows louder --- and rasping --- as it raises , still leaning back against the hand that cradled the back of his head .

    “ i need ten dollars -- and to sleep over . just for tonight though ! ” the request never changed . ten dollars and a slumber party . standing at her front door , dirt smudged face and unruly sun-kissed hair , usually dried snot under his nose that he always refused to clean because the weather this time of year made it run non-stop . “ they sent me back to my mama again ! ‘s why i’ve been away a bit . but ‘m back now ! ” usually this news would be not-so-great , but ever since jolene had moved in down the road things had been looking up for jack . at first , playing with the dog was what brought him to the woman’s door , but it turned out that jolene wasn’t too bad herself . probably the most likable person the kid had ever met --- though the bar was set pretty low . his mama liked when he wasn’t home , and jack liked being away from her . so it worked out pretty nicely . he only hoped jolene wasn’t deterred by his presence . 

     "Come now, Jack. She's gone. She isn't coming back. Do you understand what I am saying? Tissaia is dead. You can be sad, or angry, or both things. You can cry. You can scream. I can hold you. Don't be silent over it. Never hold it in your chest. Let it out."

   he didn’t want to do anything . didn’t want to move . didn’t want to breathe . his lungs must be on fire . zelda must be lying to him , no ? but that could be the only explanation . someone who had been so idolized in his head -- held on such a high pedestal . how ? why ?  it must be some sick joke . “ i don’t like when you play these tricks , zelda . ” blue hues were already drowning in tears that threatened his waterline which didn’t hold them off for long before they quietly cascaded down pale cheeks . why did she want to see him cry ?

   she was knelt in front of him , pushing a few blond hairs behind his ear . small and shaky hands push hers away . frustrated , angry . why would she tell him such a thing ? why would she try to upset him ? it had only been a fortnight since he had last seen the mage . left in her care until zelda returned from her usual work . it had been spent like every other time he’d seen her --- asking too many questions , regular baths and brushed hair , attempting to help organize her teaching space , being scolded for touching things he ought not to . a sort of controlled chaos with sweet moments in between . the gentle finger under his chin to inspect his face after playing outside , the tissaia-esque enthusiasm of teaching him something new , the strange ‘annoyed yet doting’ way she would speak of zelda . tissaia was one of the few constants in his life . she was steady .  the time he spent with her was full of routine . a break from the nomadic life he lived with zelda . it couldn’t all simply be gone . there had to be more .

                                                            ***

The fever comes and goes almost in tandem with the days and the nights. When it finally breaks, a coldness runs through the witcheress and she shivers into consciousness, her eyes fluttering slowly open and, for the first time since all of this, they stay open. The world, soundless, grows loud again. Her eyes roll over the wooden beams above her. Close by, she starts to hear the scrapes of chair legs along floorboards, and the dull tap of tin tankards, and the slosh of ale pouring from barrels, and lastly the sway of voices and laughter. Gradually, she regains each of her senses. She smells everything, hears everything, and for the first time in a long time, she can breathe.

         ‘ Zel? ’    She focuses on the little voice at her ear, recognising it. It takes a beat or two for her brain to place it, but a single name echoes in her thoughts. Jack.    “  – Jack  –  ”  she says faintly, eyes lifting to the small weight at her side. When his sweet, round face comes into her view she is awash with relief and almost cries. Instead, she sighs, tired, overwhelmed. She can’t keep up with his words, but she brings a hand up to his arm and grips him tight. She pulls herself to him and rests the side of her face against his little forearm. She can’t remember a thing, doesn’t know where they are, or for how long she had been unconscious for.   

        “What was it?”   She couldn’t breathe. She had fallen off of her horse. Witchers don’t get sick, and yet  –    “I’m awake, I’m awake,”   she comforts absently,  as much for herself as for him.  “You stayed with me? I could have made you sick.  You could have caught it.  Whatever it…”  Her vision blurs. Her head throbs painfully. She starts sitting up, too dizzy to stay lying down without wanting to vomit.   She covers her eyes with her hands, trying to soothe the dull ache building behind them.  “How?”

Triss Merigold had had dysentery once, she remembers Geralt telling her about it. She remembers his explanation. What had it been? Diphtheria? How had she caught it?  “I feel like I have drank a giant’s weight in ale. And I need to piss.”

    jack couldn’t think of a time he felt more relieved than right then as zelda opened her eyes , a calloused yet gentle and familiar hand holding onto his arm as she attempted to sit up . he did his best to help pull her into a sitting position . her hair , damp from the fever and oily -- despite jack’s best efforts to comb it every morning and night --- fell against his face as she spoke , tickling his cheek . it was the most soothing feeling in the world . one he thought might never come again . “ i wasn’t goin’ to leave you . it would kill me ! they tried to make me sleep in a different room ‘nd i told them i couldn’t . ” blond brows furrow at the suggestion . someone could have snuck in and hurt her , poisoned her even . not that jack was a great first line of defense . but he had been quite protective of comatose-zelda .

   “ they don’t know how --- but it was just you who got it , not me or anyone else . ‘m much tougher than you . ” he jokes but small hands are quick to grab the cool rag that had been sitting in a wash bin next to the bed , pressing it against zelda’s brow , trying to ease the ache that was visible on her face . “ does your head hurt ? ‘s okay to rest a bit more , ‘ve been taking good care of Beety , i swear it ! ‘nd as soon as you’re better you can go and see for yourself ! ” there’s a sort of pride that rings in his little voice . despite zelda not being there to look after him , he’d managed to do all the things she taught him . how to care for the horse , for himself , how to be helpful to others . it made him beam inside to think of how proud she’d be once fully recovered .

   “   𝐈 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆.    if i’m not at the white house working all day ,   then i’m not making money ,   and i can’t afford hibachi three nights a wee        what did you say ?   “   𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐑 𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐇𝐈𝐌 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃.    he controlled the immediate pulse of rage in his skull to the bridge of his nose for a moment ,   and then gestured back towards the balcony.   let the frustration roll out of his shoulders but kept it out of his mouth.   “   thank you for waiting for me ,   jack.   that’s really sweet.   now ,   put it back outside.   that’s where it lives.   put it back ,   w      actually ,   “   he fetched a dixie cup from the kitchen ,   and at arms length he extended it out.   “   drop it in here ,   then go wash your hands and we’ll get hibachi.   “

wake up . wake up .” his small voice was gentle as ever and even carried the command like a song . one he had been saying over her for the past few days repeatedly to her , whilst grubby fingers traced over the witcheress’ acute features --- which had only gotten sharper as she had been out for a sennight . an illness that the blond hadn’t ever heard of . nor did he care about catching along with her , which thankfully he had not . jack had however stayed by her side the entire time --- the tavern owners claiming they owed zelda a debt , and they could reside as long as they required . jack only left the room to spend time with beetroot , who was equally worried over zelda . the kid made sure to give him a detailed update at least three times a day . 

it  was  completely  natural  to  be  scared  of  the  UNNATURAL .        because  this  was  nothing  short  of  unnatural        [   INHUMAN   ]        and  she  was  keenly  aware  of  jack’s  hesitation .        though  she  has  never  seen  him  this  scared  before .        sure  the  monster’s  that  currently  occupy  the  closet  in  his  room  and  underneath  his  bed  were  pretty  scary .        but  mia  ?        THIS  WAS  SOMETHING  ELSE  ENTIRELY .        he  never  was  afraid  of  her        (   maybe  intimidated ,        but  not  afraid .   )        where  she  used  to  be  a  beacon  of        salvation ,        now  she  was  nothing  more  than  those  monster’s  in  his  room        …        if  not  worse .        brows  knit  as  mia  is  listening  to  jack  FRANTICLY  state  his  innocence ,        as  if  he  was  in  any  way  guilty  for  all  of  this .        jack  doing  so  only  makes  her  feel  worse  about  things .        [   how  twisted  is  it  that  a  child  thinks  he’s  guilty  for  someone  else’s  horrible  actions .   ]        head  shakes  as  she’s  trying  to  INTERJECT  him ,        “   no  jack ,        no  it’s  not  your               ,   ”        a  slow  and  steady  sigh  escapes  her  lips .        now  she  allows  him  to  get  it  all  out  before  she  is  able  to  speak .        hand  goes  to  caress  the  boy’s  cheek ,        lips  purse  and  eyes  feel  like  they’re  going  to  water .        BUT  SHE  HOLDS  HER  TEARS  BACK  FOR  THE  SAKE  OF  THE  BOY .        she  must  remain  strong ,        even  though  jack  is  damn  near  breaking  her  heart .

“  shh        …   ”        she  begins  shushing  him  softly .        “   first  of  all ,        you’re  not  going  to  die  okay  ?        i  wouldn’t  let  anythin’  like  that  happen  to  you .   ”        hell ,        the  men  upstairs  were  EVIDENCE  to  that  statement  since  one  of  them  is  unconscious  and  the  other        dead .        all  because  she  was  doing  whatever  she  could  to  protect  jack ,        and  despite  his  reaction ,        SHE’D  DO  IT  ALL  OVER  AGAIN .        “   second  of  all ,        you’ve  done  nothing  wrong .        NOTHING .        so  don’t  you  dare  blame  yourself  for  this .        don’t  ever  blame  yourself  for  the  actions  of  another .   ”        the  men  came  for  mia ,        but  no  doubt  they  would  have  HURT  jack  if  he  was  in  the  way .        or  even  to  draw  her  out  if  she  weren’t  there .        “   and  don’t  be  silly ,        i’m  not  going  to  die .   ”        what  a  weird  thing  to  promise .        especially  when  that  isn’t  something  she  can’t  keep .        “   i  don’t  know  about  forever ,        but  you  can  sleep  in  my  bed  for  a  few  nights .        is  that  a  deal  ?   ”              

     he  cuts  her  off  with  his  ramblings  until  she  caresses  his  cheek  ,  which  was  wet  with  tears  --  both  angry  tears  and  fearful  ones  .  it  didn’t  seem  fair  .  .  .  it  actually  wasn’t  fair  .  jack  was  so  happy  with  mia  .  so  content  .  but  everything  with  her  was  momentous  and  substantial  .  everything  was  overwhelming  .    were  they  not  allowed  to  exist  peacefully  ?  if  not  ,  why  ?  did  everyone  else  go  through  this  as  well  ?  they must . . . but  jack  couldn’t  tell  ,  and  couldn’t  form  the  words  to  ask  before  she  began  speaking  to  him  again  .  this  time  softer  then  before  ,  filled  with  promises  and  absolutes  .  but  how  does  she  know  so  surely  ?  maybe  she  didn’t  ,  maybe  she  was  lying  for  his  own  sanity  .  jack  didn’t  care  either  way  .  he’d  follow  her  off  a  cliff  if  she  told  him  to  .  

            He was six years old this year. Six was an age when you started to learn, count properly and get the world a little better than the previous year. Mrs Coulter didn’t like mistakes, she disliked them but she admitted that it was somehow needed to move on and grow up. Six years old also meant more questions in Jack’s head. Marisa was an intelligent woman, she knew that if she wanted this to work, she had to answer his questions with sincerity. That didn’t meant she couldn’t orient an answer for a direction, but Jack… was perhaps as smart as her. She didn’t want to screw things up as much as she did with Lyra, and there had been a lot of lies back then. Not twice the same mistake. 

Once the bath completely full, she ran a liquid soap around to spread it with bubbles and a nice perfume engulfed the bathroom. The blonde rolled her sleeves up and picked up the boy to place him in the warm bath. A weak smile lingered on her lips, before getting towels ready for later.      “ Very well, then tell me what the boys at school have that we don’t have ? ”    She wasn’t sure what he meant with that statement. It could literally mean anything. Maybe it was sharing a name, other than that she wasn’t sure she could offer more than she already did. 

She took place by the bathtub on her knees, let her fingers run on a bubble as her mind wandered for more answers, before they picked up the flask of shampoo.    “ Come here,”    her voice was soft as she called the boy, she started to gently wash his head, the dirt and dust running along the nape of his neck.    “ Let’s promise that none of us will run away ever. ”

   “ the other boys have always lived with their parents . forever . they were born to them ‘nd you found me outside . ‘nd they have two parents . not just one . ‘nd they’re all smarter than me . ” jack waits patiently for her to lift him in , rattling off his list of discrepencies , only relaxing once being surrounded by bubbles and the warmth of the water . another luxury he’d taken for granted after running from her . his eyes feel heavier than before and jack rubs his eyes with the back of his hand . the two of them were ill-fitted , a life of luxury . everything was clean and pristine -- or at least it appeared that way . there were times where jack felt he belonged no where , that maybe he should return to his original stomping grounds . the cobblestone streets and climbing into trash bins with other lanky children . but then there were times like now . now that he was back with her , everything seemed to fit into place again . he truly belonged , he wasn’t just some visitor in her home .