i leave the door unlocked

it must be so nice to not be this empty

but!!!!!!

dom has a whole page of me on her blog now

and that

like seriously

who

i was literally just here tuesday night wtf

only there is apparently a twist on today where i get to spend hours angry at how many people have known i was struggling for years and done nothing to help

seriously there were points where i was more of a shoulder for my MOM than she was for me when she was dealing with all this drama with her friends

there was never any attempt to find out what was going on with me

and then when i do talk about anything either no one believes me or i just get these noncommittal murmurs until we can talk about something else like what the fuck

it would be different if i was an asshole but i'm NOT and i have invested so much time and energy into people!!!!!

but no one ever fucking checks on me or wants anything to do with me if i'm not being entertaining or useful so what is the POINT of even having these relationships

one thing

the bad news is it took me four hours

time i was supposed to be doing something else

i only ate once today and while i was doing said assignment i missed my opportunities to get food

and i am way over my dining budget

in terms of real money i literally cannot even afford killing myself

seriously i'm like a dollar short

and laughign about it

annnnd no one cares

i saw the most guilt-shamey anti-suicide post i had ever seen in my life the other day

"your sister who always looked up to you and your boyfriend and your friends will all be killed too"

but like

what about all the people who don't even have those things

how does that not make them feel worse

so stupid

forever offended by the concept of living for other people

especially the unsupportive ones

this is totally what tolkien's elves felt like before sailing away

like, there is nothing left for me to do here

there's nothing that i want

i am so used to wanting things and people

my entire life can be broken down into stages based on the people i've desired

now i don't really want anything and i'm tired of feeling like nothing

maybe to be checked in somewhere

but if i have to put my education on hold again then i'll really kill myself

i keep waiting for the email that it was all a joke but you were never that much of an asshole

why am i stuck here

we could have swapped

seriously teachers are a gift i want a do-over

there are too many kids that you still had to meet and jody is so upset

i barely even had a reason to get out of bed this morning

and nothing i did today was worth anything

i am never going to feel the same about the color orange

i don't understand

how did something i survived twice kill a grown man

my own mother won't even text me back

i am a living stack of bills who can't even stay on top of homework

why do good people die and i'm still here doing literally nothing other than costing my father thousands of dollars and still needing way more money in mental healthcare before i'll be able to function

you only have to pay for a funeral once though

AND EVERYONE KNOWS