I'm starting to think I have built walls so high, I can't even climb out myself.
Kasalanan ko ba talaga? Never naman kasi talaga ako nag-oopen ng mga problema to anyone not even my closest friends. Inu-update ko lang sila kapag tapos na yung problema ko kasi naovercome ko na. Still, never pa rin nauna kasi sinasabi ko lang din yung update kapag may nagtanong. And I don't like this version of myself.
I don't know why or when it started pero I have belittled myself so much to the point na I can't even remember the smallest achievements I make everyday or kahit weekly man lang. For me, di naman siya worth celebrating for, na something so underwhelming is just another daily occurrence sakin. Kaya when people ask "kamusta ka na?" wala naman ako masasgot kundi "okay". Kasi para sakin, okay lang naman ang lahat.
Tried to dig deeper asking mysef bakit nga ba ako ganito? I was never really seen as a kid. Na kapag I act up or magtampo man lang, parang kasalanan ko pa kasi ang arte ko para magtampo sa maliit na bagay. Para sa kanila maliit na bagay lang yun pero kasi bata naman ako e para sakin, at that moment, hindi yun maliit. My achievements were buried under more expectations. Maybe that's why I don't really know how to celebrate wins, birthdays lang yung kaya ko.
Madalas din siguro kasi ako pangunahan. Instead of understanding, they would cut mid sentence to get their point across and it hurts more that I'm trying to make the same point. These were moments that I would seek compliments knowing that they would agree with my decision because it was right. Instead, they would cut me off and give me lectures on what to do not knowing I already did it.
It's actually heartbreaking receiveing "ganito ganyan" instead of "good job, u did the right thing". This always happen and the sad part, I never really had the chance to tell them the rest of the story kasi tinapos na agad nila.
And the saddest part? Di ko man lang masabi lahat to kasi parang alam ko na agad kasunod na mangyayari. It will just repeat no? I'd avoid this confrontation knowing na maiinvalidate lang naman ulit ako.
Maybe that's why I never really open up to anyone. It came to a point na even I myself invalidate my own feelings. I was too tired of the constant invalidation, heartbreak in expectations and emotional neglect. I stopped for good.
But I'm trying to change and it's difficult. Right now, I think i'm okay because I feel just okay. Wala eh straight line lang, okay lang, di naman ako masaya di rin naman ako malungkot. Okay lang ako, humihinga lang :>