most nights i lie awake thinking about outliving everyone i love. i hold them tighter in the morning, it will never be enough. the way i am now i don't stand a chance. i hold them tighter in the morning but they'd never understand. lately i haven't wanted to look myself in the eyes. maybe it was you that made me so ice cold. once it was all i had. i don't remember real emotion. i need love in my life so badly. i need love to feel human. i need humans to feel love. my heart is an underwater cavern. i am not yet beautiful enough yet for such sorrow.

it's all for something. it's always for something. i'll be stick thin and smiling beams at the crowd and they'd never know. i'm going to leave it all behind. the junk food, the self sabotage. everything that makes me the worst of humanity. quit groveling like the rest of them. i'll be the closest thing to a god. and they'll have no choice but to see me for what i am. better.

than tired

it's all about the things i don't tell anyone else. Right now i feel like i can't do anything. my limbs are locked in place, it's like my heart is afraid to move. it jumps at loud noises, sudden movement, and i cry. i cry so much. I scream into whatever i can get my hands on and the only deep breaths i take are from the end of a pipe. There are things i need to do, right now while i'm typing this. but i can't, days like these i never can. when i can feel the oils on my face and the waffle-knit of my shirt and silence sounds like acute tinnitus and an the inside of my mouth has this horrible texture. I wish more than anything that it would turn off. wish my body had a dial. I showered last night and i feel disgusting. i move the way one does when they're covered in mud. hands in claws, arms out, avoiding any kind of contact with myself. i'm playing whack a mole with itchy spots. i'm doing bad. it's like i can't win. either i live so rigidly that i starve out any whimsy in my life. or spend time freely and become incapable of any kind of structured task. what I need is balance, but i've never even known the meaning of the word. it's pathetic. I feel fear. actual fear. this sensation that something is deeply wrong. i hate this. i hate this so much. why can't i do things like other people, why can't i just power through.

what's that? just the sweet scent of victory.

"i only keep myself this sick in the head, cause i know how the words get you" - i'm like a lawyer, fall out boy

too much of my hand, revealed. noted

i need something. always something. even my subconscious knows the truth. am i bad? i could already be all i condemn. would i know?

so i was laying in bed and i got a notification that TAI was live and i was like sure what the hell i have a minute before the advil pm kicks in. turns out the're releasing a new album which is cool. my hopes for it aren't high. i love their songs because they are peak pop punk comfort. sounds like going to the beach with your friends. sounds like a crisp summer night. i started listening to the songs of theirs that i love and wow, talk about nostalgia. Instantly i'm 16 walking into school, i've got indigestion, itchy clip-in's and a boyfriend. nothing will ever sound more like that time in my life than TAI. it sounds so innocent, so hopeful. sounds like researching peteky and sunscreen. like bootcut jeans and lime ritas. man, am i getting old?

i've always been much better at arranging. and it's all rushing on back to me. through him all things are possible, that's the way it's always been. what a goddamn show off. i could replace you and they notice, but would they even mind. sweating in pure concentration. and oh would you look at that he's human! though your terrible is average, and your average outstanding and your outstanding out of this world. well, baby that's range. and there you are, eyes dead centre stage. and the track comes through on the overhead speakers. though you remember a time when it'd swallow you whole. the palpable tension and colorful rugs. well come, on you have to feel it in your bones.

fic where we're in the studio recording a 2010's pop feature with freshly split panic! brendon and he's being the most insufferable diva. and dallon is over it.

i gotta stop before someone catches me doing this shit. i'd say i need to meet more real life men but lets be real... they'll never compare. he's also like my ideal personality type. fun and outgoing and ambitious and witty and talented. special place in my heart for sweet bren. sexy ass smile/laugh too. mm