sorrysurrealist

My blog, a sea of dead projects

https://www.mariemda.com/

Go there, read, tell me how much I have to learn. I’m working very hard to learn more, write more, do better at what I love so much. I’m coming up with things I’m interested, and only me. I’m trying not to write so much about myself. I’m trying to find other subjects.

God, I try so hard.

I’ve decided to start making quiet, ambient music. I think I might be better suited to soundscapes than to normal songs. I like them better, too.

I want to get a new keyboard. A Yamaha P-45. I already have it in a cart. But I also want to wait until my next check. I have been making music on my laptop at work – with Audacity, a…

Sometimes I think I need more hands. Lots of things to do, jobs to hold, a business to run, passions to pursue in my bedroom so I don’t go nuts.

I want a new keyboard – I have to get a weighted one; my current one is driving me crazy. Time to save!

I’ve also got to book my next vacation. I love to travel and I need to leave again.…

Me, autistic?

fuck’s sake

i miss you, but i haven’t met you

Oh, but I want to.

I feel a little better.

Going to visit some friends next week – and to get into some trouble, which I desperately need.

I’m so ugly, but that’s okay ’cause so are you

“I’m not going to pry it out of you.”

My therapist is really nice, and I’m really uncomfortable with sharing. It’s hard to share when you know you’re doing wrong things. You know they’ll tell you to stop, you know you’ll be without a release.

I’m a mess. Did I mention I’m a mess? This is the place I say I’m a mess.

I think a friend…

happy birthday, by the way

It’s not you it’s me and all that other bullshit, you know that’s bullshit, don’t you babe?

It’s my birthday today, and I can’t believe I’m still here. I’m twenty-six, did you know? It feels wrong – really wrong – to face a future. I feel like it’s closer to me every day, the future.

Don’t know if I want it.

i lost a friend, i lost a friend, i lost my mind

and nobody believes me

  I am stressed out and I barely want to talk about it but I also do

I  have a new therapist and not a moment too soon, much too late actually.

have you ever been bullied?

I have, a lot and weirdly only in the workplace, just like over and over and every day. I understand why bullied kids get traumatized.…

i don’t want to fight that war

i don’t wanna be sad anymore

A few things:

With my friend, we’ve started a podcast. Confused-Cast, it’s called. I’ve already made a website though we haven’t posted any episodes. But I’m very excited.

I read the prologue of my book out loud in front of people at an open mic. They liked it. I had people tell me about their disabled…

i can’t breathe

i can’t breathe.

I’ve been trying to book an appointment with a new neurologist. It has been difficult. Challenging. I’ll be looking to them to recommend a therapist. Because I apparently need a “multidisciplinary team,” according to TWO mental health people now.

I am a lot.

I have been getting rid of books. I want to read more. I put some in a Little Library on my way to work. I want to give my…

you’re not responsible for me

at all

Those are my lyrics. All of these titles are lyrics. Mostly they’re covers. I think I’ve only done my own lyrics twice.

I wrote a song about helping out friends when they’re sad, even if you don’t really want to help them. I hope people know they’re not obligated to help people out.

Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. I have played both roles in this situation. Relationships with…

i hope people are sad

when i die/ but that they don’t cry for a long time

I’m still looking for a therapist; my last one broke up with me.

I swear, I’m having the worst time finding a care team.

She said I need a “multidisciplinary approach.” What the FUCK is her problem.

At least recommend me to someone better than you. You, a mental health professional who’s blaming me for the severity of my problems.

Get fucked.

big girl problems no more

high school drama, graduated with honors

I have a lot of big girl problems. Or it seems like I have a lot but maybe I don’t really do. Catastrophizing is something I’ve always been good at.

I could list them. The list would be short but profound – and all of them open up into little nodes within each larger issue. Like taxonomies! I’d make you a graphic but I’ve got to save that for work.

If you…

i tried my best to leave this song on your machine

but the distant beating sounded thing upon listening

Hi, it’s me again. And again and again and again

I’ve been keeping this blog since 2019. It has gone from a recommendations blog, to a niche facts blog, to a short story blog, to a personal blog, to this free-form, half-poetry hellscape/dumpster fire. This one feels the most authentic.

I’m so fucking tired, I keep saying. It’s true and that’s…

we fall apart when it gets dark

We do! I’m sure you notice. You’re pretty observant.

I am lonely.

This second-person style is bullshit.

It’s all bullshit, don’t you get it?

You. HE. Why am I talking to him like he’s here?

Yeah. I’m tired like seizures.

  Wish I could go

the smile you gave me when you felt like dying

There is a lot on my plate. Too much for me, even. Or at least it feels that way ’til I’m in bed.

But I woke up this morning happy and ready for work.

I listened to a podcast on my commute. I planned a slice.

I felt nice, like I was a good person.

don’t say I’m all that matters

I moved to Boston and I’m still sad. I’m sure you saw that coming like I did.

I bought disinfectant and some band-aids.

There’s so much I’d like to tell you, so much I’d rather not do.

“You should start a band.”

I could curl in my bed like a crayfish.

Boston and seafood, right?

I do not miss Minnesota.

But I wonder where I am? I don’t know if I’ve met her yet.

Honeymoon over?