Insanity made Perfect

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“I’m not half as good at – at anything as I am when I’m doing it next to you. And that’s the truth.”

Obsessed with contracts

Required to follow the letter (but not the spirit) of the law

Really good at exploiting loopholes

Range from semi-helpful to openly malevolent

This girl who I vaguely knew from the coffee shop showed up one day and said she thought her mom had died that morning and I figured she was probably overreacting so I said I’d go check with her and it turns out her mom HAD died but we honestly weren’t sure when it had happened so I lifted her off the bed and attempted CPR and then ended up having to talk to cops and this poor girl’s family for HOURS as she called her dad and brothers and the cops wanted to know if the mom was on any medications or if she had been depressed and I was like “I have no idea, I had literally never met the lady and I don’t even know the family’s last name, the first ever full conversation I had with the daughter was this morning.” And apparently THAT was super suspicious or something.

So anyway that was a rough day and the next day I go into the coffee shop and the manager (who is basically never in) comes over and says “Debbie says you had a rough day yesterday.” And I was like “uh, yeah. It was pretty weird.” And then he was like “Debbie says that you handled it really well. And that you filled out an application to work here a couple weeks ago.” And I was like “I guess?” And he was like “Okay you can do a training shift today and you’re on your own tomorrow. We don’t normally hire people under 21 and we don’t normally hire regulars so don’t fuck up.” (I was 18)

So I started working at the cash-only coffee shop that was patronized exclusively by the weirdest people in town (who had all slept with each other, had no money, and had the most drama of any group I’ve ever been part of) and was used to launder money made by the owner’s cocaine sales for the local gang.

The first shift I worked alone was the next night and when I called the manager and told him one of the regulars had been chasing people out of the parking lot to sell meth the manager told me to ban him so I was like “Hey dude, manager says you’re banned” and he was like “You’re a fucking cunt and I’m going to wait until you’re alone and I’m gonna fucking kill you” and then he drove around the block about twenty times and screamed “cunt” out the window every time he passed by where I was cleaning the patio.

One of the regulars, who was a nearly-seven-foot-tall hacker and gunsmith who worked graveyard in Hollywood, waited around for me to finish closing and then offered to drive me home because otherwise I’d have to walk three miles alone and there was that whole “circling meth dealer” thing going on. I decided to take a chance on getting a ride from tall, dark, and scary and that paid off pretty well because it’s been fifteen years and I’ve been married to that tall weirdo since 2011.

“Baby otter getting its tummy tickled”

Keep things in google apps

Everything is saved to your account, ex. you can delete google photos when your phone is checked, and download it again afterwards and get all your photos back

Also because it’s on your account you can log into google on a friend’s computer or a library computer or something if you need to

I’m not sure about other apps but I know you can put a password on google docs

People are more likely to check notes but assume you have google docs for school assignments and not check that

A lot of people monitor texts/use programs that monitor texts, but who’s going to remember to check Google Hangouts?

Use the internet on apps that aren’t Safari

Download another browser and put it in a different folder, because most people can check your safari history but won’t find another app and then figure out how to check the search history of that app

Also use the internet when you click the link in social media ex. If you click a link on a Pinterest pin it can take you to that link on the internet but stay in Pinterest, so it won’t show up in search histories

Inform your friends and if you want to be really sneaky use code when texting

Sending messages as code helps. Ending sentences with certain letters can work. Need something? Definitely use code. Friends can help you. Or other family. Or teachers. Don’t hesitate to reach out. (the first letter of every sentence spelled out SEND FOOD)

If they’re being sneaky and checking things while you’re not around, make sure to log out of all social media after using it and try to have a slightly different password for each one.

Secondly, this might seem counterproductive, but it seems like an appropriate time to raise awareness of Noonlight for more extreme cases of abusive parents. It’s an app that can alert a list of people of your choosing when you are in danger, or summon the police in an emergency. Works at home, school, work, or anywhere in-between.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.safetrekapp.safetrek

dracula throwing jonathans mirror out the window & leaving; jonathans reaction being essentially “god dammit how am i gonna shave now”

draculas shitty straw hat that he wears during his frantic daytime errands

jonathan trying to whack dracula with a shovel

general respect for lucy & mina

“we should have pity for dracula” “yeah have pity for him when i slam dunk him into hell” “JONATHAN”

quincey quietly stepping out during van helsings long boring vampire lecture & waking everyone up by shooting the fucking window in bc he saw a bat

quincey in general like why would you make the conscious decision to not have a cowboy in your vampire movie

“A young trash panda leisurely taking advantage of the quarantine”