Sophia Utopia

It’s that time again. Tumblr Therapy

I’ve always struggled with finding work since I left my first job. Although back then, I was glad to leave because the work was so shiiiit. That first job is one of the reasons a gap formed on my resume. At the time though, I was in need of a much long break from that experience, but the bigger that gap became, the harder it was to find work. 

If you’re a long time reader, you may remember I moved to a small town at the start of 2018 to work a job that wasn’t quite fit for me, but the opportunity was there, so I took it, and 80% of it was quite the opposite of fun. Being laid-off from that job 11 months later was actually a huge relief, but some of the issues I developed there stuck with me I rolled into 2019. But I will spare the details since, those stories are probably only a few scrolls down my barely active tumblr blog.

So two jobs, two not so good experiences. 

Until...

Several months later, a good friend of mine messages me and says, “Hey! The company I work at is hiring, and they have an office in your city!”

I hesitate, thinking back to my only two experiences of what the word “job” means. All the questions and doubts circling my mind. But sure enough, a couple days later, I get back to him and tell him I’m gonna go for it.

Sent in my resume, get a phone interview, and 3 weeks later, I get an email saying to start the following Tuesday... as that Monday was a stat holiday.

And just like that, I was employed again, but this job was different, and I knew it within the first 5 minutes of my first day. It was not like the last two places I worked. The managers did not put themselves on a pedestal, the co-workers were friendly, the training was laid back, the office was peaceful. It was just perfect.

First room I was in had 3 other people, but they were quiet and we were on separate projects so I got moved into a different room with different people, but they were also very quiet and also on different projects than me. 

I can’t go into too much detail what happened after because I am technically still under contract and I’d rather play it safe haha, but I can say that a short while later, It was just me, by myself in a room, in solitude. Didn’t mind it too much, having my own little office with my own window on the 20th floor was kind of nice. So I worked, listened to music allllll day.

A couple weeks later, I am moved into the room next to mine, and there, I find my own kind. I had been working there for a good 45 days before meeting several people working on the same thing as me! And they were not quiet like the others, and throughout the day the 5 of us would chit chat, and slowly become friends. Cracking jokes while being pro at my job became my 9-5 weekly routine. And after a couple weeks, maybe even one week of that, my depression.. Gone. Anxiety.. Gone. 

I’ve been dealing with those garbage illnesses for years, and all it took was a GOOD job? It honestly leaves me speechless because when I left my first job in my early 20s, I was extremely glad and relieved to be out of such a hellhole. Not only that but I left with the desire to never work for a longgg time. But now I can’t be happy unless I am working.. at a good job at least, haha. Bad ones I feel can seriously can do damage on a person, but finding something you are at least okay with, let alone happy with, can really change your life for the better.

Anyway, today the people up top suspended the projects I was working on and now I am put on, what I call “on-call limbo”. Basically meaning, stay at home and have no idea if you’ll ever be back there, but they will pay you as if you were there. Sound great, right? 

Wellll...

It’s really weird to say, but I really rather be at work with the few friends I was just starting to get to know, than to collect the same pay for staying at home and doing nothing. I guess it’s not weird for 27 year old standards, but it’s a new concept for me considering how much of a complete opposite I was not too long ago.

The weird thing too is that I told told the job wasn’t forever, I knew it wouldn’t be, I expected today to happen eventually, but it still hit me so hard right in the feels when it did happen. I just wish it can last a little longer because honestly I am not confident in finding a job that can match it.

The one silver lining that it’s not officially over, I guess being in limbo still counts as being on the journey so I might as well enjoy it

I guess that’s enough therapy for now. I’m also waay behind on my music recommendation tradition thing

Ghost - Dance Macabre - Ghost is on tour right now and highly recommend if they visit your city

Ghost - Absolution

Question - Onsanha

Frenic & Crids feat Holly Mcdade - Open Door

Best concert evahh!

Tumby tumblrs. I got the feeling this site is dead. I Did hear the Wordpress did buy Tumblr so that gives site a little hope. I heard it was sold for like just $3M, so if he/she reverses that 18+ ban, that'll be some ez money

Anywayy, Tumblr is still useful for journaling and documenting so thought I'd do some personal catchup with how my life is in the summer of 2019.

I think my last post, I was in my severe dizziness phase, coming off of constant anxiety attacks and just a never ending cycle of uncertainties and such. Thankfully the dizziness has gone away, although I'm still unsure of the cause. I was playing low fps console games, Runescape, and RDR2, and that's all I really got for what may have caused it. Before I quit RDR2, just 30 minutes of game play would cause 1 week of motion sickness/dizziness, which sucks because that game was so incredible to me, but I couldn't play it without severe repercussions. Ironically, Rocket League wasn't causing any motion sickness, so hurray for that as I’m starting to feel the coveted Grand Champ rank with my finger tips.

So even though that's gone, there's still something that's happened in the past year that has desensitized me, which is the main topic for this entry. Something good can happen to me, I won't care, something bad can happen, I won't care. I don't feel the same emotions I would a few years ago. Even my emotion of love is just not present in me. It's like I just become totally apathetic. I want to say it's just because I'm getting old, but I see people older than me that have more youth in their life so who knows. Maybe I've just isolated myself a little too much.

I don't wanna blame everything on my job last year, but I think that is at least part of the reason. There was an extreme switch in how I lived prior to working there. I basically went from living a typical city/suburb life to a no-excuses farm/country lifestyle. I wasn't exactly working on a ranch, but it had a similar vibe. I lived at work quite literally, so whenever I left work for the day, I was still there. On my day offs, I was on-call, there was un-wanted wildlife (mice) around, and it was one of my many jobs there to set traps and kill them. Many mornings it was just routine to start the day tossing out several dead mice that were dead because of me. And that is where my thoughts keep warping back to when trying to figure out the desensitization. I don't like the idea mice sneaking about, spreading their diseases, but I just don't think my brain is built to intentionally kill them either. Or any mammal for that matter. Heck, even when I see spiders now, I won't even bother with finding some Kleenex, just because I don't care whereas two years ago, I'd immediately react to it. I don't mean to be all deep, but I feel like taking the life out of living things, takes some life out of yourself as well.

Anyway, I gots a NEW job. It's been the dream job I've always wanted. I have always been a huge fan of The Office, and this is pretty close to that feel. It's not perfect, but it has opened up a new door in my life. So first of all, it's in my favorite city, I get to commute on my favorite train, it's in a fancy office building, over 20 stories high, it requires a keycard, I get my own computer, I can listen to music all day, I temporarily have my own office with a window, the people are nice, my bosses are friendly, the coffee/tea/hot chocky is free, the environment is peaceful, the hours are static, there’s no on-call, very little stress, and any mistakes made have basically no repercussions. I mean too many mistakes, and you get fired, but so far I am making the cut =). It is a boring job for sure, but I do get paid more than a lot of back-breaking jobs out there so overall, super happy about it.

Feel like I’m due for some life story time. I been a little on the quiet side lately and I’m not sure which reason to use lol. The past 6 months or so I’ve been dealing with an odd series of unusual and explainable symptoms. I should probably just call the doctor already >.>. Hard to tell these days when a symptom is serious or not. 

Started with a weird breathing difficulty where... Well.. Get this, I could only breathe normally in temperatures under 10°C (or 50F). Anything warmer and I could only breathe 50% of a deep breath. This one went away when I moved back in a more humid climate, but it did resurface a couple times before completely disappearing. I think for this one, my lungs were just weak due to lack of exercise

A couple weeks after that. Anxiety. I am not one that likes to bring up anxiety, but this was the bad, bad anxiety; that kind that just seeps into every crevice of your body, stirs up your emotions, and tricks your brain into thinking your time on Earth is over. Part of this I think is to do with going from a skinny weight to adding a few pounds. It sounds like a random thing to say, but this made me go from being able to feel my heartbeat all the time.. to... not feeling it, and that just made my anxiety skyrocket. Went to see a doctor just incase, turns out my heart is fine, but It still kept me shook up for a while 

After a week or two, I was starting to make a pushback to feeling normal for a nice change. 

However, nearing the end of March in the same week as my birthday, I get the most intense dizzy spell of my life followed by slight dizzyness every moment I’m awake. 

And one month later, I still have it. It’s so slight, but slight in a torturous way, like someone is just shaking and twisting your brain a bit.  It’s enough to disrupt your day and not make you not even feel alive. Which is honestly been the worst of it. It almost feel like my soul is being pulled halfway out my body and I’m in control still, but I’m just a spectator.

So uh yeah lol. Here’s hoping THAT goes away sooner than later. andd, i forgot last time, but here is my song of the day/week/post

My ticket for Alice in Chains (My heroes=))) came in the mail today :D plus i was in the mood for trying on some new cloths i ordered a while ago

Hello, if you are reading this, then... you are still here. And so am I <3.

 It’s been been a little over a month since the NSFW purge, and truth be told I’m relieved, because the sight of peoples genitalia flooding my inbox was starting to decrease my vision. I remember some even went as far as angrily demanding money from their followers; because that’s how they paid their bills. I’ll admit I only saw that once, but it was an eye-opener when I saw it. I can imagine how stressful relying on genetics for income must be. Not only can you not control how you look, but every year that passes, you get older, and at the same time, there’s a new generation of young newcomers you have to compete with. You have to work way harder, whereas they don’t need to try much at all. And if they don’t push you down, a year later, you’ve got another generation that you have to survive and contend with, and it repeats.. forever.

Unless you actually do make it lol. I mean somebody has to be the one that will come out as a winner. But for me? No thankss. Don’t get me wrong, a post with 1500 likes from strangers on it does feel good, but I’d trade it all for just one like from the person I love :3

That’s if you know... If I actually had somebody I could confidently call mine. I wouldn’t be here if I could

I’ve been more inactive than usual the past several months. Reason being that I just haven’t had an urge to crossdress simply put. I big reason I do it is just to post pictures online aand I’ve become more and more of a perfectionist the older I get. The last two shoots I did sucked. I didn’t think a single frame was good enough to even look twice at.

So there’s three things that can ruin a photo for me. Lighting, makeup, and outfit choice. Which the last couple times, I failed on all three

But this post is about just the makeup part. Because, when you’re born a guy, and start to get into your late early to mid 20s, facial hair starts becoming an issue. In fact it’s almost next to impossible to actually hide with makeup unless you really know what your doing. I can’t say I’ve been able to hide facial hair ever. Even when I feel like I got it hidden, I step into a different light, and it’s there again. SO i throw on more makeup and my face turns into a mess.

So getting to the point :D. I finally begun some laser hair removal on mah face. I thought it was a very expensive procedure, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s actually very affordable these days. Google told me it was $900 per session lol. NO, it’s not even close. It’s more like $900 for the whole thing. so generally $100-$135 per month Canadian Dollars. And if your fortunate to catch a special offer like me.. I got a 50% off deal essentially =PP

So how did it go? I’m sure anyone reading this is wondering about the pain. It’s pretty sharp, but definitely not so bad it should scare someone away. Depending on the density of your hair in each area plays a role. More dense = more painful and less dense = less painful. So under the chin, pretty easy going, and on the moustache area...uhh...  ouchies. Needed a breather between each pulse. But the whole process only takes 20 minutes or so. So overall not bad at all.