wherever you are, there it is

Songs, clothing pieces, food, media :-)

Colorful, checkered scarf - My friends and I went to a snowy city earlier in February. I wanted to have something new to wear and found the beau... I love how it gives a pop of color to my neutral outfits. It's also the perfect size and keeps me warm!

Jewellery

I recently got my ears pierced and I've been enjoying playing around with accessories. I literally cannot believe how much they elevate my whole look. I love these two in particular. I also found this beautiful ring at a market in Istanbul. It has green accents and "love" written on it.

Songs from Tulus

Studying abroad can be so lonely and I miss home a lot. Listening to Tulus serves as an antidote. My favorite of many, at the moment, is "Cahaya" or "Light". It tells a story of a warm relationship, one that is safe, where it's nurturing and where two people can grow together.

Midye Dolma (Stuffed Mussels)

This is a turkish meal / snack that I've recently become obsessed with. I've always seen people sell them on street corners, but never tried it before. One try and I was hooked! They are mussels filled with rice and spices! Add a bit of lemon to it and it tastes just like heaven. I'm not quite sure why but it reminds me of Indonesian seafood just a tiny bit. Also, it is such a fun food to have with friends as you talk about nothing and everything.

Luxcrime Mattifying Poreless Primer

I've had this for a long time but I've only started using it a lot this past month. With this product I realized how important skin-prepping is for our makeup. It has a thick texture but feels light on the skin. My complexion never looked more even (no breakage/patches) and flawless!

Yves Rocher Riche Creme Nutri-Plumping Lip Balm

Where do I even start with this one? I got it first as a gift when I purchased something else from this brand about 6 months ago. It is so light on the lips, not oily nor heavy not too balmy / creamy. It smells amazing and I really feel like it had made my lips healthier (more plush and blushed). I also find it as a good lip topper on top of a lip-stain as it leaves a beautiful gloss.

The Bear

I know, I'm so late. But this has got to be one of the best shows I've ever watched. I really love food and cooking, and I believe that food has the ability to manifest into so many meaningful values of being human. It's an act of service, an act of sharing. It's an art. It's able to connect people. This show depicts that perfectly. Moreover, having a pretty chaotic family history myself, I can identify with Carmen's struggle with anxiety and grief in some ways.

I may not know any clue on how to lead a good life, or even if it’s possible to lead a “good” life in a world filled with so much grief and sorrow. But Semarang made it seem like it is, indeed, possible. 

This was the first time in months that we’d pick up the courage to go out of town, during earlier days going to the grocery store was the most exciting trip to have. On our first night we decided to take a walk towards the alun-alun. Alun-alun means “Dimana penduduk asli berkumpul” or a space in the centre of the city where locals spend time with their loved ones. 

That night, my legs were sore from walking and sitting too long in the car, but as we entered the alun-alun it slowly faded away. The children were playing with tiny toy propellers that lit up as they threw it towards the sky, creating a fleeting yet beautiful constellation. Maybe I was so deprived of seeing and experiencing human interactions, but it really felt like a breath of fresh air. I realized how much I missed aimlessly wandering, people watching, eavesdropping on some juicy gossip from a group of aunties, the comfort crowds, and the laughs. Under a full moon and a clear night sky, it felt like I have found something I’ve craved on for the longest time. 

I guess Semarang acted as a sort of reminder for me, living in Jakarta could easily fill you up with greed, sky high ambitions, the hustle and bustle, you almost feel like your worth is being measured by your productivity. And yet, in Semarang, it feels like the days are slower, both the moon and sun seemed like they loved looking over the people of Semarang as they do their silly little things- everyone we met during the trip was kind and warm. I saw people doing nothing and I saw how beautiful they are, I saw people mindlessly looking over the ocean and fell in awe. 

Before Sunrise. I’ve been thinking about love and what it actually is. I’ve yet to experience my fair share of it, but I’ve experienced enough to know that I still see love through glasses of naive and unrealistically romantic scenarios. 

Communication, conflicts, getting to know another person enough to feel such an abundance of affection and care, the awkward silences- and then she’ll like him and he likes her, they made a pact to stay together for as long as they are capable. That’s my brief view on love. It probably isn’t like that eh? 

The idea of love and intimacy has always scared me, I’ve only seen it flee through moments of my childhood. Rarely seen the good sides of love, well, if there is one. Then again, I know there is one , but how ever-so-foreign it is to think about it. I wonder how much of that impacted how I see the world, how I see myself, how I judge people, and how I form connections. 

Dustin Vuong ( one of my favorite youtubers ) said as he grew older he realized that love doesn’t have to perfect, and it is imperfect. You’re not going to get your first kiss in a ferris wheel looking over a sunset in Vienna, and life’s not quite similar to a Greta Gerwig movie. 

When I was little, I’ve always thought of love to be this conquering force, something that could break boundaries and fight evil. Even though my parents divorced, a part of me loved fairy tales. And I held it in my palm for as long as I can, like a token of hope, I didn’t want to see love as the version of it in which I’ve grown too familiar with. In Before Sunrise, I see a clear distinction between Jesse and Celine, I resonated a lot with Celine’s character, its as if she embodies the best parts of me or at least the kind of person I strive to become. On the other hand, there’s Jesse, a character who stands as a realist next to Celine’s sentimental traits.

In a scene where Celine asked him, “Have you ever been in love?” he  tried to dodge it away, a question he probably wasn’t so prepared for.  He then answered “Love is a complex issue you know? I mean, it’s like, yes- I’ve told somebody that I love them before, and I’ve meant it. But was it totally unselfish, giving love? Was it a beautiful thing? Not really. You know, It’s like, love ... I mean, I don’t know, you know?” in that scene I thought he was just another guy who didn’t like to talk about all the mushy stuff. Only a few minutes after, he told Celine that his parents separated, and overheard some spiteful comments from his father about him being born.

I was supposed to attend university this year after my decision of taking a gap year. Through August to November 2020 my time was occupied with my application process. I’ve never really been the type of person who can last 24 hours with feelings of optimism, but for this application process I felt like I had to. I was overwhelmed by paragraphs over paragraphs of complicated terms and conditions, forms to fill, and lengthy calls with the study-abroad agency. There was a constant battle with anxiety, trying to make me believe that I wouldn’t get accepted anyway and all I was doing was for nothing. It would be so easy for me to listen to it, to not resist it. But I held on for another day, and then another, until I’ve settled and manifested my mind that I will get accepted. And if not, I constantly reminded myself that it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

In November, my family and I went out of town for a short vacation. During our second morning in our hotel, my mom was notified that the results has been sent to my email. I hurried towards my phone, I clicked on the message, my eyes didn’t even bother to read the whole thing- I scanned desperately for the word “ACCEPTED”. 

Time in Kuningan, West Java 

Japan, November 2019 

Circa 2019 <3 Kuningan, West Java

People say you realize you’ve grown older when you no longer magically wake up on your bed when you fell asleep on the couch, or when you’ve finally gotten your own ATM card. But to me, growing up is questioning every layer of yourself, the values that you hold, the perception you have on the world, and on the people around you. 

Growing up to me is growing apart from who we once were, even though its all sorts of uncomfortable. Growing up is realizing that our friends, like ourselves, holds big dreams and aspirations- and that as time passes you guys may grow apart, maybe we’ll change, and maybe they’ll change- its good. Change is good.

Growing up is learning that when we love someone, it doesn’t mean that the person you love needs to be around us all the time, we can love people from afar as they grow to their best-selves, as we grow to the best version of ourselves too. 

Growing up is shedding skin, growing up is climbing up a rocky hill, growing up is not linear, and we get to make our own definition of it.