I Have Something to Say

What ‘Drinking the Kool-Aid’ Really Means, And How To Avoid It

Many years ago, when I was still in contact with my abusive family and seeking help from several mental health professionals, one psychologist in particular lit up with recognition when I described the situation. A family member had been previously diagnosed by another psychologist with “delusions of grandeur,” and even though the other family member knew this, whenever she was around him, she…

It’s Mothers Day, and All I Want is to Grieve

I dread Mothers Day, and the weeks leading up to it. Around the first of May, it begins. That uncomfortable feeling that swells up in me whenever I see some flowery advertisement featuring happily bonded mothers and daughters posed in their soft-focus, perfectly lit scenes of domestic life. But it’s so much more than the advertisements. The cultural expectation is heavy, that we’re all supposed…

I love my abusers. I feel compassion for them. I can rise out of my own hurt feelings to see their humanity. I understand the challenges that shaped them, and I grieve the abuses that happened to them. However, none of this means I ought to be in a relationship with them. Loving them does NOT excuse their behavior or make them safe to be around.

As an empath, I’ve always had a big, tender heart.…

Authenticity is Stronger Than a “Tough Skin”

As a writer who has worked in Hollywood, I often hear people offering this advice: “You need a tough skin in order to make it in this business.” A “tough skin” is supposed to ward off the bad feelings that go along with rejection, which is what I live with on a daily basis. Anyone doing anything that stretches beyond a comfort zone is prone to hear it in their line of work. Some people say it to…

Big Goals are not Stand-ins for Love

I have an enormous goal. I’ve spent tens of thousands of hours honing my craft in order to reach it. I’ve spent even more on education and lifestyle changes to give myself the space, time, and know-how to accomplish it. I don’t even want to count the lost wages (and benefits and retirement savings) from soul-draining day jobs I passed up in order to stay dedicated to my goal. I haven’t reached my…

Hey, HR: If You Want a Productive Workplace, Maybe Stop Advertising for Psychopaths?

Dear Human Resources Department,

Your work culture is toxic. How do I know? Almost inevitably, your advertised job opening goes something like this: “Fast-paced company seeks flexible, self-starting multitasker with strong attention to detail who thrives in a chaotic environment.”

Let me stop you right there, HR person, because what you advertise is not a human. Now, I get that you have to fill a…

What I Want To Say to the Person Who Just Escaped My Abuser

I recently learned that someone left one of my abusers. As much as I would love to take her to coffee and have a long, heartfelt conversation, it is neither wise or safe for me to make contact. I’ve had zero contact with my abuser for many years, and I never met the person who left. The relationship I had with the abuser was not romantic, but the person who left married him and had children. Even…

When Your Own Narrative is a Life or Death Issue

We all know how it feels when someone gossips about us. We’ve all been on the receiving end of sensitive information about someone else that’s none of our business. We’ve all said something out of turn about another person. The sting of betrayal is hurtful and annoying, but for many, it’s not a huge deal. It’s just another bump in the road of life. For those who are at risk, traumatized, or in…

Processing Trauma is a Privilege

Processing trauma means you are going to the trenches in order to heal. You’re wading into the deep, murky waters of your subconscious mind to free up the gunky messes that rooted themselves long ago. It’s expensive financially, and even more so energetically. It’s hard, painful, all-consuming work, and it requires a ton of courage and grit to do it. Anyone who faces their trauma deserves a…

When the Narcissist Wins

Here lies an uncomfortable truth. Narcissists win. They seemingly win all the time, at almost everything. Many of them are highly successful people, at least when it comes to achieving material things, and, in fact, all of their nefarious narcissistic traits seem to help them more than hurt. Of course, when they win, they look awesome. Sure, it’s carefully manufactured, but that illusion often…

You Will Not Get Closure, But You Can Find Understanding

One of the most difficult aspects of leaving a narcissist is that there is no closure. Few people really understand what it’s like to survive an psychological abuser. Not only will the narcissist ever understand your point of view, he or she will never attempt to try. In addition to spending the entire relationship feeling misunderstood and shut down, the survivor of a narcissist must pass…