someone u met

I'm not pro ana. pls recover. you are beatiful

my blog could be triggering to people, which experienced 3ds, depressions, sh, panic attack, etc.

this is my own diary, so pls dont reported, u can block me. thank u

a lot of old post from 2020-2023

hear this song, if u arent feeling alright <3

kind of…

i was pretty healthy for the last 2 years - and gained a lot of weigh :(

and muscle

sooo

now im scared to lose it, if I lose some pounds

funny isnt it

well anyway, im not quite sure if my ed is completely back or not

right now my life is actually pretty chill, but i still got problems yay

it was probably just easy to ignore them while i was studying and graduating from high school

the thing is i have only one really good friend with which i keep some contact (idk if the grammar is right, but idc)

so i felt lonely and didnt really knew what to do. actually i was pretty strong, i kept trying to have a normal day and rotting in bed all day. but now im at the end of patiences

yesterday evening was the first time i sh myself in like nearly 3 years i think (not quite sure, its been so long haha)

and today i invented a system; my mum will be in school again from tomorrow on and i will be alone most of the day. so why not just fast a bit :)

buttt thats where im unsure if i can be saying that my 3d has come back; im not completely fasting, im just eating as little as possible and a lot of protein. and then as kind of a alibi i will eat one meal a day.

i want to lose weight yes, but i want to lose fat not muscle. therefore i will try to go to gym 4 times a week ( 1x upper body, 1x full body, 1x lower body and 1x cardio) and have weekly swimming session.

i have to say, i dont always hate my body, i dont really wanna die like i did when i was younger (not quite sure how much is true, bc i cant really remember haha)

but i want to have control over my life again, i want to decide what i do, what i eat, when i eat, etc.

and just not that, i also want to be productive and furfill my to-dos

i wont rot in bed, as long as im not finish with every single goal i have for myself.

so starving is just a part of taking control over my life, even if im not starving for real

so if i say im on a fast, im just eating as little as possible, like small meals 200kcal or drink protein shakes to keep my muscle

but its not the only thing in my system; i thought if i did sh myself why not use it as a helping tool for my system

so here is my idea:

- 1 cu! for a open to-do

- 5 cu!s for not going on a walk with my dog

- 10 cu!s for not studying for an hour a day (want to become a med student)

- 20 cu!s for breaking my “fast” to early

i will add some things if i can think of it

for today that makes 28 cu!s

and this time im smart

i wont use my arm or leg

im using my hip bone, because like that i can cover it, even with just my underwear, not even a need for a bra

okey i think i vented enough, im into my fast for like 3,5 hours, but i wont eat tomorrow morning, because im meeting my best friend, the one i mentioned, in the city

i was pretty scare at first, but she said we could also maybe just drink sth.

i mean liquid kcal are the most useless ones, but better than a whole meal

btw my kcal goal is 1500kcal a day with 120 protein

i know a lot but i will do a lot of steps so i will be hopefully in a deficit of at least 500kcal

I don't have a scale anymore, so I will buy one tomorrow

even if I don't have money

I'm trying to fast for at least 48 hours hopefully longer

I'm one hour in

I want to be thin or at least like I was before again

I will update this as my diary

see ya soon

so there will be just shit I can't tell anyone

maybe its true

but I'm not allowed to ask

I dont want to hurt anyone...

so I hurt myself.... I guess its fine

I have green hair now, I really like it 💚

I'm a bit lonely I think

I'm lost in my loneliness

I'm not doing really much with my friends

the half of them dont really talk to me

that's like 3 people

one of them was my best friend or is idk

I had a crush of them, theres also a post down there with terrible English, its not my native language

and the other is something like their second best friend now I think best friend

I wasnt really friendzoned okey I was but they said it could be that she will get feelings

we didnt talk for like a week, but I'm a bit scared of her

I'm a capricorn and I dont like it to opened to someone and also have trust issues and I think I'm demisexual I'm not sure but i think, im also a human, I guess, but most important I'm not a girl or boy and wow it's really awesome to write or day that

so the thing is I'm scared they said someone about my blush( a really long and a bit deeper crush, a friend of me and I decide to call my feelings for them so)

I know they wouldn't do that but theres the little voice in my head they are able to do that and yeah

am I sick? do I have an ed

I don't fucking know

it's like I'm sometimes someone different

sometimes I like my body, like who i am

and sometimes I hate myself, my body the most

and now I want to get skinny for I dunno maybe the 11th time or idk

but hey I know I will eat tomorrow, because I'm weak

I'm so fucking weak

even If i try to be strong I'm not really

but I will try it

I mean what could I lost

I think I ate the last week quite normal, im at 133lbs I think, idk I think I dont have any motivation for anything or idk, the last few days I ate not that much, because tree idk how to say it

mental update:

in the last few days I realized that I have at least a crush on my best friend, (girl)

so we talked about crushes and she told me that there were this girl that she likes a bit or liked a bit, and I was like oh cool....

then she asked me if I have a crush and i said the truth. so she knew that were a person which I like

one day later we talked again, btw always on the phone cause covid. so we talked about random shit and I have to say I'm mostly mental drunk at the evening. my friends and I called a person mental drunk, when they are a bit too honest and like mental illness, idk how to explain. but I was defently mental drunk because she asked if my crush were one of our friends. I said yes. she asked if it were this or that person or who isnt it. I said that it's not e,m,or she. yes I know I lie yay all was fine until she say its p right, a d I said yes I think. idk why but help. she talked a d talked and I could not stand it, so I hung up. she called me again and then she said it's fine and asked me if I'm in love with p or If I only like her a bit. I laughed because she really thought it was her (I thought she would knew that shes my crush). lucky i was muted. I just know that she hang up a bit later. and we have the perfect example for mental drunkenness

I fucking send a message that my crush isnt p. that she is my crush. she was like really? and it's fine, then she asked me if I want to talked about it or if I need time, I obviously say that I need time. a bit later i wanted to know who's her little crush so I ask her. do u know what she say

I had a little crush on p

....

yay I think I have to sing

I wish I were heather..

I think that's my story, we didnt talked since a few days and I'm dying inside. lovely right?

yesterday was my birthday

I'm 15

I got trigger by a friend

shes said she has to make a diet

I tried this diet

it was 600 to 800 kcals a day

I tried to stop her

her mum thought it was funny

just like my parent didnt notices anything

now I'm ready I hope

I want to change my life

I'm feeling stupid right now

I want to reach my goal

I want to reach it

I want to have control of something

I want to feel happy and proud of myself

I'm not happy

not sad

not angry

not depressed

not scared

not tired

ok that's not right

I'm tired of my life

I dont have any reason to live

am I even still alive

I want to feel something

I want to feel anything

i hate it to not fucking care about anything

I dont even hurt myself

I dont have a motivation

am I really depressed?

do I have depression ?

am I faking all this shit?

I don't know

am I really a human?

am I dead?

I'm dead

lmao