Simple thoughts

So the limit day came, nothing big happened just a regular old sunday. Got a text from her asking about what was today´s paln, I told her nothing yet, but asked her what does she felt like.

Texts werent flowing, she barely replied, I knew this was going to happen.

Im not mad, at least not with her, and not with me (in the traditional way at least) I knew there was not going to be a long distance relationship, I knew it was unrequited love, I knew it was a one time thing and that I have to treassure that moment to remeber the time I was able to feel love again. Everything, I knew, however the part of me that wanted to believe that she actually cared, that is what im upset at.

So today is my last night at my hometown, I will leave tomorrow, get back to my regular schedule, and I didn´t get to say goodbye. I feel hurt, yet it was completely worth it, cause as I mentioned before, I felt love for the first time in a very long time. So in the end, the brief "love" story I wanted did not happen, but I got to feel all the strong emotions.

Ts been some time since I've been here. Pretty sure no one reads this, but still, it is a good way to keep track over myself and to connect with my inner child, or perhaps the real me.

I have been feeling empty, or rather numb, lately. Work, life and health has been going real well, but still I knew there was something missing. It's been around 3 years since my last relationship, which at the moment felt more like a routine than what I used to picture a relationship would feel like. At the time, I believed that is how a healthy relationship was supposed to feel like once it reached a certain level of maturity, but I was wrong. The relationship ended on a good note, at least for me; haven't cried over it, and I have never felt like I had to or needed to. But that is when I started to open my eyes.

It was around July 2021, the relationship was over, and I didn't feel a thing. That led me to believe, and I still believe to this day, that it was for the best. Just lost the only person I talked to since I had no social life at the time (due to her always feeling unsecure about anyone that approached me), however I don't blame her, it was my own comfort zone. I did what I believed to be the normal thing to do and called a friend that I knew was living around the same city I was at the moment. We met and I met his roommates. I had no goal at the time, I just wanted to get high and/or laid. After some days of hanging out, I got to spend time with one of his roommates at a party. She was a girl from the same town as us, and she was pretty attractive as well. At that time I got the "bounce" effect which led me to have a little crush on her, it felt intense but not as something that could ever be more than a hookup if I was logical about our lifestyles. Winter came, we met again at our hometown and that is when my crush ended, by me. It was obvious there was no interest from the other side, and by that time I already wasn't feeling like fighting a loosing battle. I wouldn't say I got heartbroken, yet it still was an unpleasant feeling. So I did as advised (maybe I will get into detail, maybe not, the memories are still there) and created a tinder account. Which ended up to being the downfall part of this story.

Starting 2022 I began using tinder, as well as bumble. I had the advantage that I lived in a very big city with a lot of people, and that me being foreign made me somewhat attractive. The first time I matched with a girl I didn't even knew how to approach her, I was saying shit that would end the conversation instantly, but she kept it going (one of many lessons I learned during this downfall). Everything was going well, we hooked up every weekend for around 2 months, but I didn't felt like she was someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. So it ended. No heartache, so I just went back to tinder.

Around May 2022, that is when I could say it actually started. I had matches, they would come to my place, or I would go to theirs, maybe watch something, drink or maybe something else, do it and never talk again. Sometimes they would still try to reach me, however I ended everything as soon as possible, or even ghost them (yeah I know, shitty, but eventually I pay). It all became a bit of a routine, like going to your favorite restaurant every week, this was to satisfy a need as well without having to rely on my hand.

2023 began and not much changed. Other than tinder, I had actually started going out with friends more, I pushed myself towards being more social. Kept hooking up with women that I felt attracted to, but didn't like at all. Around September 2023 I realized everything felt into balance, or so I believed. I had a pretty good routine, good friends, but my "goal" felt a bit forced to me. Talking with some childhood friends, I realized that my future plans are not the same as a goal, or a purpose. So I started questioning myself and my lifestyle. I believed there was something wrong, but I didn't feel it to be that bad. I couldn't create new bonds; at first it startled me, kept me awake at night, however also due to the introspection that I had been doing I convinced myself it was ok, and even planned ahead on how to live like that. In summary, I felt at peace, with a bittersweet feeling of believing that by then I was uncapable of love. I was an empty, peaceful man, pretty much a NPC at life.

Entering winter 2023, I came back to my hometown (which is where I'm currently writing this) with no plan to hook up with anyone, just enjoy spending time with everyone. Days felt so much longer here, and I loved it, we party, visit new places that I didn't know about, met new people, I was truly living and not a single week had gone yet. I have 2 main groups of friends that do not mingle very well among them, however I decided to join them for the holidays as one group would leave on the first week of 2024 and the other would stay. That day that I decided to group everyone, we got a call. It was from 2 girls we knew since childhood, they were stuck, and we went to help them. They were sisters, I hadn't seen them in over a decade, but they didn't change much, or at least the older one didn't. The younger sister I hadn't seen in even a longer period of time, and she had become quite a woman. At first, I didn't think much about it, but since that day we started hanging with both of them. The days were so fun, and I started catching up with how the sisters were doing. One day after Christmas we went to a party; nothing special it was a bit fun, however I noticed I was hanging a bit more with the little sister than usual. We left the party early to get some drinks for the "after", we stored them at the girls' mother's house which was only being inhabited by the older sister at the time, and the younger sister decided not to go back to the party. The older sister went to sleep early as she had to work, so It was just the younger sister and I in the same couch waiting for our other friends to come over. Our two other friends arrived, we drank and played some games, until we were just chilling back at the couches again. The younger sister was leaning towards me with closed eyes, but still trying to keep conversation, so I started caressing her head. Our two other friends decided to leave once they saw that picture. After an hour or so this girl started hugging me and getting closer, I just kept the head scratches going until suddenly we were face to face. She leaned in, and I followed, we started kissing softly, yet with an intense demeanor. We decided to move to a larger couch and take the next step. I wish I could say it was the best sex ever, but it wasn't, I felt really attracted to her but felt nervous as if her sister would wake up. We were going for a while and I started getting pumped, however her sister woke up, made a bit of noise, we dressed up and just snuggled on the couch. We slept for around 2 or 3 hours before we left each to their home. This time I messaged her directly, and we talked a bit, but nothing too big. At first, I felt like I wanted to do it again, but it wasn't that. We met again 3 days after to get coffee and run some errands. We got coffee, took the dogs to the park, and then go and deliver beauty products she sells. Furthermore, we just happened to deliver them to the girlfriend of one of our friends. She said that she thought I was the little sister's boyfriend and that is when I thought about it, that I could see myself with her. A day passed, and we got together to drink wine and watch movies with 2 other friends, and this is when I felt in love, and in confusion. The night was going well, but she wasn't as close to me as I was expecting her to be, yet in the end she went and lied next to me. We snuggle the same way as that other night, however when I leaned to kiss her, I got denied. So yeah, I felt in love with the one that was going to treat me as I treated the other tinder girls. Cant be mad over my own karma.

Right now, while I'm writing this, I don't know where I stand with her, or that is what I want to believe, maybe. I can't know if I just can't be logical due to my feelings, or it is actually hard to understand. I have 5 more days here, I wish I could spend them with her, but I know I won't, at most I could get 1 day, maybe 2. My current relationship with her is not nearly as close as I would want it to be, but still I'm ok with that. I will leave, she will stay. I will know about her due to our common friends, she will meet someone new, I will cry, but I will still be happy. Likewise, I will be happy that I'm still capable of love, I have a goal to create an environment around me as the one I wish I could give and share with her, cause even if I know it will not be her, if I ever found love again, I want to be enough. Not for the person, but for love itself. Because I believe that love, which is now attached to her, can be attached to someone with the same love for me.

It’s me again, hello.

It’s been quite some time since I poured my feelings into text, about 8 years to be exact. But somehow I managed to find this old place again.

Much has happened since the last time I wrote to no one, as I'm currently doing, and what can I say? Well. Life has been... boring, empty and actually not what I expected. The young rebellious and romantic boy was repressed to the point I thought he had died, but apparently he still lives inside me, slowly but surely coming out (or at least I hope so). Life has pretty much been white in the sense that everything work related has gone smoothly for me, I'm an adult, I can pay my bills and still spare some for self recreation. Pretty much what everyone dreamed during the college years, I was the only to achieve. But I realized I didn't want that. The girl I loved so much in high school, I finally overcame, my last partner I realized wasn't that good for me, I fucked up many relationships and failed so many, and now I’m alone. I thought I could use this situation to fix old bonds, and I've been doing so, but in said endeavor I'm starting to realize what I'm missing; Soul. I have been on autodrive for so long I forgot what happiness and sadness were, existing mainly as an empty vessel with random “goals”.  To be honest, I feel like a failure in many ways, and as if every split decision I've taken, was the wrong one to lead me up to this point. It is not about the money or work “success” (if you can even call something like that success), what I’m missing is that essential part of the human being which many may call “the essence” my friends, my talent, my passion; WHO I AM! (or at least who I was). Everything lost. I want to feel love again, to feel pain again, to belong. I'm really trying, but I feel so alienated. Furthermore, I feel lost. I feel empty, and I don’t know how or where to get help. I've learned to fake some degree of social behaviors to try to “fit”, but for what? The old me would be disgusted at the simple thought of even attempting that, and I understand perfectly, but, what else can I do?. Ideally I wished to be loved for who I am (the light and the dark), or maybe not even loved, that may be too much to aspire for someone such as I, but how about genuinely accepted? Is that acceptable? Is that even achievable for me? As I’m writing this, I'm feeling a bit of despair, which is the closest I am to feeling actual pain. To cry.

As I said, I'm writing to no one, but if someone wants to be one that is willing to help or the one that can save, who am I but no one, no one who would even be in a position other than humble to accept what the one, someone or even anyone is willing to offer this lost soul.

So “no one” if you ever become “someone” and read all this, Don't feel sorry, I'm happy with you whoever you end up being, listen to what this lonely being has to say.

I'll try to write something more interesting next time (if there even is one).

Ya aproximadamente un mes de lo que ocurrió y sigo igual que el primer día.

Hoy tome la decisión del amor propio, de la lógica y de seguir adelante. Hoy no es el día en que te supere, pero es el día en el que tomare la decisión de que la amistad que tuvimos no volverá. Elegiste la ilusión del noviazgo por encima de mi y eso esta bien para ti, el tiempo que dure lo disfrutaras pero ambos deberíamos ya saber que acerca de los dos posibles escenarios. Ciertamente te volviste una parte muy agradable de mi vida, pero tengo que dejar ir por completo la idea de ti. Porque aunque yo estuviese aquí para cuando acabase, no podría soportar la idea de que eso volviera a pasar, y ambos deberíamos saber que así seria el caso. Hoy pasare de ser tu “mejor amigo” a convertirme voluntariamente en un extraño. Espero sinceramente haber sido hasta cierto grado una buena influencia para ti y de lo contrario te pido perdón. Se que la única persona que siempre estará conmigo en las buenas y las malas seré yo mismo, y por eso me tengo que dar ese lugar, ese respeto. No te guardo rencor, no lo veo como algo personal porque sabemos que no lo fue, ciertamente me dolió el que alguien me reemplazara en tan poco tiempo por una situación vana, pero se que no lo hiciste con la intención de lastimarme, eso fue solo daño colateral. Te quiero pedir perdón por que no cumpliré la ultima promesa que te hice, porque sinceramente no puedo, seria fingir y eso es una ofensa que no te haré. Si llegas a leer esto te pido que no intentes arreglar nada, como dije anteriormente elegiste ese camino y yo debo de elegir el que me aleje de la destrucción en la cual ahora me encuentro. Te pido que no intentes arreglar nada porque esta es una herida que no quiero volver a abrir y ambos sabemos acerca de lo que pasa cuando repites un ciclo. No quiero volver esto un ciclo, que aunque largo se vuelva nocivo, no quiero manchar la imagen que tengo de ti con algo tan mezquino. Entiendo que tendrás rencor y eventualmente caeré en la irrelevancia y el olvido de tu pensamiento y lo entiendo, no seria la primera vez que pasa. Quiero que sepas que no he de olvidarte, pero permanecerás como un bonito recuerdo de alguien que me trajo felicidad con su parecencia y crecimiento con su ausencia.

Lo elegiste a el, y si el esta yo no puedo ser, aunque se vaya fui deshechado esa es tu elección y la respetare pero te pido que también respetes la mía, no que me respetes a mi, no que me quieras, no que te abstengas de odiarme, no que me recuerdes, no que intentes cambiar las cosas, no que me perdones, no que te disculpes, mi decisión es un hecho al igual que la tuya, y así permanecerá.

Hace días te dije que estaba roto, que debía repararme, a lo que tu me respondiste que siempre he estado roto.

He estado roto siempre, y probablemente siempre lo este, soy una persona solitaria por naturaleza y se que muchas de las rajaduras que hay en mi jamas sanaran por si mismas. Hoy como siempre quiero ser objetivo, lógico, frío. Debo de aprender a elegir mis batallas y mis caminos pero como alguien muy sabio una vez me dijo: “Por mas que riegues el naranjo, jamas te dará manzanas” Tiene mucha razón en cuestión que yo ya se que aferrarme es esperar algo que se que no ocurrirá, y que no hay escenario lógico para que pueda suceder. No pienso olvidarte, pero no porque quiera aferrarme sino porque la naturaleza de tu recuerdo en mi mente es la de un momento memorable en mi vida, pero tengo que acostumbrarme a que el reciente cambio es permanente. Mis heridas pueden sanar, pero como tu misma lo dijiste, seguiré roto, y volverán a quebrarse si las someto al mismo tipo de situación de nuevo.

El hecho de haberte perdido no debe ser razón de sufrimiento, sino de crecimiento, de lo contrario estaría ofendiendo tu recuerdo si lo usara como espiración en lugar inspiración. Fuiste una persona positiva en mi vida, porque me hiciste sentir que encajaba sin aparentar, sin esforzarme, y fue durante un buen tiempo, y por eso te estaré agradecido de por vida. Pero tomaste tu decisión, tu camino. Yo debo tomar el mio y debe ser uno en el que no haya dolor, pero que por el contrario prosperidad en mi persona. Por este motivo deberás ser mi musa aunque probablemente inconsciente de ello para mi acrecentamiento, aunque antes deberé sanar, porque no puedo trabajar lo que esta lastimado, de lo contrario terminare peor que como empece. He aconsejado a mucha gente en mi situación y es hora de que haga lo mismo pero conmigo. Mi instinto es masoquista, quiere aferrarse y quiere creer lo que no es, para volver a lastimarse, por ende ha de ser callado por la razón.