Untitled

Currently crying so hard I'm nearly throwing up. Flunked the Japanese test this Monday. Was gonna redo it next Tuesday but it got rescheduled to 8 am tomorrow which means I have to get up by 5 and I've also haven't had time to study much yet. I've got a lot of other things I gotta do too.

I just need to get this out of me. 

I’m really stressed about school right now and my grades and worrying about my grades makes me worry about my future. I just wanna skip into the future where I already live in the US.

More than that tho I just wanna see him right now. I wanna meet him so it’d feel more “official” even tho that shouldn’t matter. I’m just really lonely right now but it doesn’t feel right telling anyone since it’d come out as I’m unappreciative.

The fact that she’s still in class also stresses me out. I really fucking hate her and hate that we have common friends. I know I can’t say this but it feels really selfish of them when they want us back together. It’s not my fault she hurt me. It’s not my fault the mood is like itis and we’re all divided now. It’s hers. Even worse is that she’s so fake now. Even worse is that now i realize how childish she is. How insecure she is. I’m insecure too but I don’t take it out on other people like a bully.

She seems to be going through some weird face now tho. She got her hair done like a soccer mom. It’s really ugly. 

I really hate her now and I’ve been told not to be petty but I think  I deserve it.

---

I still really wanna see him. I wanna see him so bad. I feel like I’m selfish tho cause I wanna see him cause I’m lonely. I don’t know.. It’s the first time and I’m in a relationship and I’m not Always sure about my feelings. He always puts up with me but.. if I can’t even maintain a friendship..

I like to believe we’re in it for the long run tho. We talk everyday and complete each other nicely, I don’t see why we wouldn’t, why we couldn’t. Even tho we’ve had some nasty fights, most often involving him overreacting to something I say (that sounds really bad I know) and then selfdepricate wanting to break up cause “i don’t deserve him” which hurts me the most cause i don’t wanna lose him. 

I just wanna skip forward right now, live in a cozy Little apartment with him, have a some Close friends and just feel a bit more.. More. 

I wanna et out of school soon. I just wanna work and earn money to get my own place and live my own Life.

I don’t know what I want. Or I do but..