It’s Not About A Plant

alternatively 

Five: Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm.

Five: Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I never seen that before.’ I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and ya kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’!

Five: Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.

BRO, how the fuck you gonna be an upper middle class white boy that walked straight out of high school into Umass Amherst for a four year degree, walk straight out of college into a 55k/year job as a WINE CRITIC for your DADS COMPANY with NO EXPENSES and think you’re the fuckin same as these working class kids that make 12-20k/year that have bills and rent to pay.

has given thier child

an airhorn.

Lovely family.

Around this time last year thier grandmother came to visit and gave them honest-to-goodness home-made black-powder Cherry bombs direct from Texas, which the boys immediately took to the most flammable patch of chaparral in the neighborhood and set off six of them at once, resulting in a small wildfire, seven emergency response units and a helicopter, a Long Stern talk from the fire department and Karen getting in a screaming match with Child Protective Services and a sizeable crater in the middle of the field.

At least according to Olivia the ER nurse and neighborhood gossip. I was out of town at the time and believe about 80% of that becuase I saw the crater where there had not been a crater a week before, and becuase karen threw a shoe at me the one time I asked if she was alright when she was having her weekly drunk-cry on the porch.

But I Digress.

1. It’s been pointed out to me that Golden State is an NBA franchise and not an institution of higher learning. To be fair, Diane is 84 and in an Alzheimer’s unit, and I know fuck all about sportsball. Perhaps her grandson lives in San Francisco.  Regardless, we all had a good time and I was sent home with leftover bean dip.

2. I sometimes misspell things becuase I have multiple learning/reading disorders and Public Education in the US is terrible. I’m funny anyway.

3. Last I heard, Richard had gone to live with the other, less pyrotastic set of grandparents, so maybe there is hope for them yet.

(As always, all names have been changed to protect people’s privacy):

The neighborhood consists of a 206 pallette-swapped versions of the same three houses surrounding the largest hospital in the next six counties in any direction, surrounded immediately by three ranches on one side and roughly 100 miles of uninterrupted rocky mountain wildreness on the other.  It’s seperated from the main city (If you can call a city with only the bars and Denny’s open after 9PM a city.  Which you can’t) by a large mountain ridge and connected via a small canyon highway.  Hence, the neighborhood consists primarily of:

Middle-Class Suburban White People ™

People who’d be too poor to afford this neighborhood normally, but are subsidized by the hospital.  Olivia the ER nurse, for instance.  They’re terrific.

People with Major Medical Conditions and Their familes, who live nearby, also subsidized by The Hospital.  

Old Rural People who remember when Durango had only the train track and no paved roads and was mostly populated by cattle and will tell you they were present at the Alamo if you let them keep talking.

Wildlife that was here first and has no intention of moving.

This is a story about the first learning about the last. 

Staci-With-An-I-From-Ventura-California introduced herself to me as that while I was walking the dog by the playground, as I tried to keep her preschooler twins (there are SO MANY goddamn twins in the neighborhood.  I mean, we’re right next door to an IVF clinic BUT STILL) from jamming thier fingers up Charlie’s nose but fortunately he thinks children are hilarous and decided to lick what I sincerely hoped was jam off thier faces.

“Hi I’m [Gallus]. Hey, kids, be gentle with dogs-”

“Do you live here?”  She asks in what I would find out later is her normal interrogative voice, but sounded to my untrained ear like a member of the spanish inquisition had reccived operatic training then took up chain smoking.

“Yeah?”

this is our political system

“He had no desire or intention to lead this nation only to market himself and to build his wealth and power. Mr. Trump would often say “This campaign was going to be greatest infomercial in political history” 

he never expected to win the primary. He never expected to win the general election. The campaign for him was always a marketing opportunity.”

“I knew early on that Mr. Trump would direct me to lie for him … Lying for Mr. Trump was normalized and no one around him questioned it and in fairness no one around today questions it.”

“Mr. Assange assured Mr. Trump that there would be a massive dump of emails that would damage Hillary Clintons campaign. Mr. Trump responded by stating to the effect “Wouldn’t that be great””

“Mr. Trump is a racist. … In private he is even worse. He once asked me if I could name a country that wasn’t a shithole ran by a black person, this was when Barack Obama was president.”

“When we were driving through an impoverished area of Chicago he commented that “Only black people could live that way.”

“I am giving the committee today a copy of the 130k wire transfer from me to miss Clifford’s attorney the closing day of the campaign that was demanded by miss Clifford to maintain her silence.”

“Mr. Trump directed me to use my own funds … to avoid anything being traced back to him. … I am going to jail in part because I did this to the american people before they voted”

“Other checks to reimburse me for the hush money were signed by donald trump jr.”

“He says to me, don’t worry Michael your january and february [reimbursement] checks are coming in the mail”

“He directed me to threaten his high school, his colleges, his college board to never release his grades and his SAT scores”

Michael Cohen lied to PROTECT Donald Trump when he was still under the financial coverage of Donald Trump.

the republicans repeatedly keep trying to prove Michael Cohen has some financial incentive to lie currently, but cannot prove this to be the case.

Michael Cohen has no income, has no book deals, has NOTHING to give him incentive to continue being in court.

All he is doing is making himself look bad to the public to clear up his previous lie.