Phoebe Rae's Magic and Art Blog

As my friend Amy recently pointed out to me, I have tried a lot of things since moving to San Diego a little over 7 months ago. I practiced Qigong, I went out to a bisexual women's meet up group, I attended meetings for my local JVP chapter, I took painting and ceramics classes, etc. But probably the most unexpected thing I've done is attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting as an observer.

I'm a woman who comes from not one, but two grandmas who quit smoking just by deciding to stop buying cigarettes. So because of my lack of experience and exposure to addiction, I didn't realize how little I knew about it. I thought that as long as my loved ones who were addicts weren't drinking or using, they were sober. Then suddenly over the last few months, multiple demonstrated that that was very not true.

So as an effort to understand, I attended the meeting and it was eye opening. Other than the beginning where it appeared to just be a regular meet up as the members caught up in each other's lives, there was something almost buoyant as they went through the weekly step. There were people there who had clearly been friends for years. They cheered each other's accomplishments. They thanked and greeted and supported one another. It was community.

I'm still looking for my community in San Diego so it was truly something to witness. It made me reflect on how much better off we all might be if there were other similar programs or, even, government funded programs since mental health treatment in this country is so inaccessible. What would it look like if our society allowed for a little more structured openness, vulnerability, and accountability in collective spaces? I truly pray that kind of healing finds more traction in the face of our overly individualized culture, as I also pray that my pained love ones find their relief from their addictions and trauma.

Had a bit too much THC the night Saturn ingressed into Pisces, and frankly the situation was so on-the-nose I was a little mad about it right before I was fully launched into hallucinations. This is an approximation of what I saw, that we are in the chasm of loneliness created by two entities that have been separated. Each of us is a story or illustration of one trying to close the gap with the other. Quite a defiance of the cosmology I had had up until this experience and I'm still trying to integrate what I learned with my previous spiritual observations.

It was also not a coincidence that this happened the night after I filed for divorce from my ex and he moved out of the house. We are still on good terms... But what a way to be alone in a house for the first time for an indeterminable period.

Acrylic paint.

Happy Eclipse Season 💜🌝