Soloquist

i don't want it. but yes i do.

i count and i worry. then i practice and i feel better. here. not tomorrow. just now.

then it starts.

i have just discovered joy division. i have just discovered the new era of my life.

thinking can be very dangerous. it can lead to new insights when you would have just rather been left stupid and dumb in the dark. be careful what you wish for.

having something can leave you with nothing. 

love doesn't hurt but the absence of it is horrific. 

a memory can be burned fiercely into your mind, enjoy forever.

the phantom sensation of a hand on your body affirms your loneliness.

when all else fails clutch to words invented by others that help you relate and connect to your heartache. 

ingrid magnussen goes on: Remember it all, every insult, every tear. Tattoo it on the inside of your mind. In life, knowledge of poisons is essential. I've told you nobody becomes an artist unless they have to. 

I don’t ask questions because I know it’ll just provoke my unhealthy obsession over you. I just deal with the information that’s given and try to live through you like that.

Tonight I traced the pattern that you drew under her initials over and over again onto the table. Doing things like this makes me feel closer to you.

Today I imagined what you’d be like had I showed up at your work, uninvited and unannounced. Surprise. Question mark? 

Consider the following a repetition of other entries. Consider the following edited.

I believe I was addicted to what significance I thought I had in your life. I think a lot. I have a lot of thoughts. Albeit of nothingness. No knowledge lies within my being.

All of my insecurities were fed and they bred more of themselves within each other. A genesis of silly wonders. I can't believe you're the satan to my heaven. A demon running through my foolish clouds and rays of fake fucking sunshine. You were the black heart I wanted to make mine. I even offered to take every bad part of you within me and burn it to my invisible fire that has raged on for years. Add to it, it whispered. Of course, I responded.

I know its over. Do you? It's taking me sometime to deal with it. I absolutely detest the thought of bothering you. Had you wanted to be bothered you would have treated this much differently. But the space that we've created now contains distant galaxies and new worlds that we are no long apart of together. We are light years away from one another. Dare I travel the distance to try to get to you? I dare not.

I will continue to try to forget you. What an adventure. I will continue to try to let you go. What an affliction.