When my alarm clock went off that morning, I knew something was wrong. I couldnāt explain exactly what, but my body felt⦠different. I stood up and headed to the bathroom. As soon as I could see myself in the mirror, my heart sank. My pupils had become reptilian slits and my hair was falling out in patches, replaced by brown scales. When I opened my mouth, a pair of fangs slid into view and my tongue was forked. My entire body was covered in patches of rough brown scales and a three-foot-long tail trailed behind me, tipped with a rattlesnakes rattle.
I scrambled for my phone and dug through my contents to find my boss. āPleassse pick up,ā I muttered to myself. My tongue flicked out and I hissed the s, which made me stop. That wasnāt a stupid cartoon thing, that was real?! On a more positive note, I did learn it was true that snakes could taste air. As my tongue flicked out I could sense a million little things about my environment, things I never picked up on before. Like the colony of mice living in my apartment walls. My stomach growled.
No no no! I was not going to hunt for mice! āGet yourssself together!ā I told myself.
My boss finally picked up. āOh no, what is it?ā He asked.
āI have to call in sssick today,ā I said, hoping the hiss would be enough to tell him what was wrong. It did, but he didnāt react the way I wanted him too.
He sighed. āGreat, itās happened to you too. Well, Iām sorry, the project deadline is next week and we have nothing to show for it! You need to come in and just try to work around your⦠current state.ā
āMy ācurrent ssstate!?!āā I nearly shouted. I was about to say some things that would have probably gotten me fired, but my boss just hung up on me. The stupid audacity of that man!!! I muttered my profane rant under my breath as I got ready for work. At least if I came in for work I could work on a cure.
To make my commute I had to nearly mummify myself to hide my new features. I put on a hoodie over a t-shirt, baggy jeans that I stuffed my tail into, sunglasses, and a mask around my nose and mouth. Hopefully it would also muffle my hissing. I boarded the subway just like everyone else, but I was ridiculously overdressed. While everyone else wore t-shirts and shorts, I was suffering in the scorching 91 degree August weather. A few people gave me weird looks, but most just ignored me.
One kid, however, kept staring at me in the slackjawed brain dead way kids did. I was not in the mood to get stared at, so I made sure no one was watching, pulled my sunglasses down, and lowly hissed at him. His expression changed into one of complete horror and he started crying. Normally I would have felt bad but instead I just smirked as his mother consoled him.
When I made it to the building I was pleased to see that I wasnāt the only person pissed about this. The lobby was packed with my coworkers, most of which showed some sort of animal trait. The crowd was filled with fur, scales, feathers, claws, fangs, horns, and tails. I took off my hoodie, sunglasses, and mask so everyone could see that I was affected too. In the center of the crowd was my boss, who was also effected. Black feathers stuck out of his hair and pressed black suit. He wasnāt wearing shoes because there was no way his new bird talons were going to fit into his normal dress shoes. He was trying to comfort the crowd, but I couldnāt hear him over the angry roar of the crowd.
āAlright alright ALRIGHT!!!ā He shouted, somewhat quieting the crowd. āLook I know youāre mad, okay! Iām affected too! But we have a project due next week and nothing to show for it!ā
āNothing to show for it!?!ā A man shrieked. We all turned and saw that his head was almost entirely shark. He was over by the fish tank in the lobby and had his gills underwater so he could breathe. He pulled his head out to talk. āWe have plenty to show for it! Look at us! I bet if we took a group picture and sent it to the big boss heād see weāve been PLENTY busy!!!ā
āWell, yeah⦠but the project wasnāt to turn us all into animals! This was an accident that we can easily work around and have something to show at the end of the week. We all just have to work togetherāā
āFuck the project and fuck you!!!ā I shouted. āWe all are going to cure ourssselves, and if you want a CHANCCCE of getting a dossse you better shut up and let usss work!!!ā
He hesitated and rubbed his face. āF-fine. But this isnāt an excuse to delay the project! I still want a report on my desk on time!ā
The crowd grumbled, but we all realized that this was the best we were going to get and dispersed. I punched in my time clock, followed by one of my coworkers who now had cat ears, whiskers, and a tail.
āI hope HR comesss down hard on his assss,ā I grumbled.
āYou didnāt hear? HR caught the virus too. From the way she sounded, our boss isnāt going to have a job tomorrow,ā he said.
I laughed sadistically. āGood.ā