A hard to swallow pill from this week: sometimes i am not the blameless victim.
Ive been through a lot of shit, shit that i didnt deserve, but i have absolutely hurt people, and i absolutely have the capacity to hurt people again - whether thats by accident or on purpose.
And i realize, now, that admitting to that isnt condemning myself to being a Bad Person forever. People make mistakes. I am not a bad person because i did one bad thing - but id perhaps be a worse person if i were to pretend that the things i did were right, or even justified.
I did something shitty - thats not alright, and nobody is obligated to forgive me even once ive admitted fault and apologized. They are allowed to not want me in their life. Thats not a judgement on my overall value as a person. That is that persons judgement of me.
I dont think i realized, for a long time, that sometimes, admitting fault - without obsessing over it and what it means about your overall value - is the fastest way to grow. I have been the victim of horrible things in the past, but that doesnt mean that i am or will always be the victim. Thats cornering myself. Thats what will make me hurt more.
I did something bad, and i did what i could to make amends for it, and i have lived through the consequences, and i will learn.
Thats a kinder fate than lying to myself, i think.









