At the mercy of despair

10/30/20 I care very much about being perceived in a positive way. I want people to like me. At points I am proud of how likeable I am and I become arrogant. And as it usually goes. Arrogant people are not liked and I fall. And its inhibitive. If someone doesnt like me. Well it makes my world flip upside down. And it should be as easy as "fuck what they think just be you" but I still dont like me. I dont want to be me.

I just want comfort

You dont understand. You see only your side thats why you dont understand. You see his father, your words are like knives on pressure points already bound by weathered ropes. You dont understand that your very demeanor of being the victimn and being bling to your own vices bot seeing your own problems are part of why he aches. It makes me so frustrated to watch you acting righteous and then defebsive placing all blame on him. Its not all his fault yours too, liquid ihibitor, males you rude. Alters who you are, clogs ypur cognition. And you become someone else.

It just hurts. And i want it maladaptive but i want youbhere so bad. When i hurt people come. But that isnt how this works. You cant come even if you wanted too. Obligations. I need to remember you want to be beside me. It hardly stops this selfish pain. There are no pumpkins.

I eant to message you so bad. Hacing you so close but being unable to talk to you is driving me insane. Youre learning gow to drive. I need to be patient but my mind keeps telling me you are mad at me forngarming even though i know this isnt the case. I regret eating. My stomach is upset and my head hurts. I shouldnt have eaten after all

I want to die. Im making a plan. Not sure my method yet. But im going to try again soon. I know i am. Things are just bleak and i cant connect to anyone. Nothing feels real. Time to say goodbye. Goodbye for real this time. Gotta get the right pills.