M

Bio shit here we go…..

Maria del Pilar. Born 1988, Wife and mom. Live in my own world that doesn’t really interact with mainstream or political agendas. I’m friendly, courteous but suspicious of everyone and their actions. I observe I watch I notate and learn. Forever a student and enjoy learning. I make art, eat the fuck I want. Mortal enemy only being yeast and IBS 🤭. Silly as fuck and love humor. Singings always and like my isolation. ✌🏽

Also I am an Ai user,oh my god! 😱 but a traditional and digital artist. Y’all are crazy to think Ai so advanced.

Visit my ig

Idk

I mean I was scared well like when you see something but it’s not harming but like

If felt like when the dog had her seizure. Could pose harm, might be aggressive or aggressively observing me so I feel I need to hide.

Idk dream dictionary says I need to confront something but I don’t see anything really to confront.

While dreaming of an alien that is said to be part of abductions.

I felt scared and tired and a little terrified.

I woke up like usual with the husband. Got his stuff and he left I went back to bed. Scrolled for a little till my oldest got up and she left to class. I knocked out for a little sleep before major wake up. So think I was asleep 30 mins.

I tried waking up at least 3 times from this dream. In these 30 mins of sleep. I remember entering the sleep zone and seeing the patterns and the eerie grey screen. Idk

All I know that I guess I dream a regular part but the part between wake up and rem wasn’t letting my go. I’d rouse myself like I could feel I’m waking but this weird dark thing kept bring me back to dream state.

I try and try but now it feels almost like sleep paralysis. I’m able to move my eye like open them I’m at home in bed but then it drags me bag to dream hazy sleep state again.

I keep finding myself back in this dark room or tunnel there’s things in the way but I’m also hiding behind things and trying to get out but there’s a creature in the dark with me.

I just see the black shine from it body. The very minimal light that’s in my dream state catches the glimmers of the thing. It’s prying mantis arms and body but like a dragon like head. Like those fancy super pretty mantis. It’s pretty too but it’s so dark it’s scary kinda. I keep trying to wake up cause I have to but it won’t let me go it won’t let me leave. I run and try to hide from it but it’s like not letting me leave the dream state. It has many sharp looking jagged teeth or maybe it’s like how cat fish have those mustache like appendages. But last thing I see before I can actually pull myself out of that state is kinda like its face.

Also while this dreams happening why I say sleep paralysis cause I try to move and can’t I try to scream but it wasn’t enough. But for reals my body did jerk a little as I tried to wake myself cause it feel like your body goes numb you can’t feel you limbs cause your sleeping.

I also tried talking or making a sound and I could only manage my voice to make a little “meep” but I’m my head in the dream state it was louder.

Finally I wake up and it’s almost instantly gone the whole dream so I begin to write right away cause it was crazy. I was panicking and felt my self breathing faster and harder.

I like body hair I like to play with his any body hair I like to just play with it. Even the ones in the booty. But he doesn’t let me a lot of the time cause he says it makes him uncomfortable. Maybe self conscious?

I mean some people have a thing against body hair. Maybe it makes him feel bad about his but he’s not even very hairy.

But I’ll stop and direct my attention towards squishing body parts that are soft like belly or where there’s just fat pockets I guess cause it’s soft and warm and cozy.

But if he says stop then I redirect to massage if cause then it’s practical squishing and he gets a massage and I get to stim.

Another is skin grooming like pimples, skin tags, moles, ingrown hairs and blackhead especially some near certain body parts cause it’s satisfying.

But he also limits me cause I might get too aggressive he says… like you have a black head on inner thigh. I’ll use the thinnest tweezers to remove what’s clogging the pore. But since he’s not used to it often his skin gets itchy or scratchy and sensitive.

So I stop too.

I like stimming with touching cause I don’t do it sexually. It makes me feel like those monkeys that groom people cause idk it’s in their behavior but for me it’s calming and relaxing.

I guess that’s why I like massaging the husband cause he may not let me pick his pimples or whatever but at least I got that.

I’ll rarely but it happens pop a pimple or help him with one when he hasn’t noticed.

It was always the same bus driver I’d encounter. He’d sit and talk to me. I was 16-18 this man was in his 40-50s.

The thought did a drive by. It’s funny having drive by memories or thoughts.

He reminded me of the singer from reverend horton heat. The man likes concerts and since back then I had a certain style ( rockabilly/psychobilly) he asked me about them and well we didn’t go out to places like back then. I mean the husband would mention we should see bands but he was always working then too.

He really lived the idea of making lots of money then too.

I asked him recently and it was money. He had a car to pay and hmmm….

Idk cause we didn’t really go out to eat till after we had our first kid. We had more money and time somehow. Grandparents.

But we didn’t ever go to a concert as a couple or alone well at least he’s not gone with me.

I swear when I get random things like this or phone calls I just post there contact info cause I have no friends and those who know me know how to get to me.

I do not know who this maybe

Could be someone using her image

Posted a phone number on Facebook and had my sister asking what it was. Told her I don’t have friends so I don’t respond to numbers I don’t know. If they’re bothered by it then message me to take it down.

Did a reverse email search so it’s active.

Checked insta too

We go to swim class and get home they have to shower.

They’re both arguing about who’s gonna shower first although we have TWO showers they both can shower.

This end up taking more time

One says the other take too long and would rather wait and shower last. Other one wants the other one to shower so he’s not feeling hurried.

They both don’t wanna use my shower cause my room is scary cause it’s much bigger. The echos of sounds and stuff.

I need them to shower.

I plea with them and offer them options and they’re still stuck on their way or no way….

How do I deal with this now?

Money

I offered 10.00 to who can shower the fastest.

Now ones dressed cause he took a super quick shower and the other can take his time.

Now in real time…

Youngest mad the oldest was able to take a shower under 5 mins.

I tried to split the money and the youngest being a bad sport turned it down cause he wanted to win.

Anyways they’re both showered and the youngest need to learn that he takes things way too personal and that if he doesn’t win it’s not that’s it’s not fair.

The oldest knows how to take a quick shower cause he’s not super picky when he does. And he learned to for camp. So it’s just something he find an ease to do while the other is nit picky and OCD or anal about how the process is. So since he’s particular about it he gets upset because not everyone in his page and line and exact word and pronunciation.

So now there’s a schedule rematch tomorrow

On who can shower the fastest out side….

We tend to have allergies so maybe removing it will help with that.

Anyways the husband said he did it as a sorry for pissing me off. I wasn’t pissed off tho. I was just sad.

Me being pissed off is not talking to you and being short and I tell you I’m mad and want space. My anger spectrum is mild annoyance to rage. Yet I harbor all those by bottling them inside. I don’t like being mad or upset like that emotion. It’s the one I tend to feel the most beside sadness which is too but like if I were to describe them as buildings rage is Starbucks and Walmart a target a Costco it’s the major big store building. While sadness is who owns the stores. The big business and conglomerate. Sometimes it comes as basic emotions and response to very calm but raging with depression. Sadness is more organized than anger.

So I wasn’t pissed at all I was just depressed. Yes depression is anger normally. Anger changes to sadness after repeated amounts of the same stress doesn’t change over a time. When I’m in anger depression it has a threshold like waves up into they reach a certain height does it turn to sadness. Cause that anger now didn’t cut through the water like rage does. It went lower beneath the churning of it. And it anchors its self down watching by the rage without feeling it. Cause when your anchored or in freeze/fawn… your observing yourself but also kinda allowing the drowning as well. Your stuck. You see the rage and maybe wanna be there but it’s so calm down below. There no reason for it. So you’re stuck still.

So I wasn’t pissed off I was sad. Sad that he still doesn’t get me or read me. That he goes by what… this is a bad example but part of it will make sense.

Back when the me too movement was bigger. One politician said that a woman’s body would not response and become aroused in a sexual assault/ harassment/ or worse.

We know that as false cause the women human reproductive organs react to stimulation. They react to hormonal changes, urination and much more. It does not mean we’re turned on or horny. It’s false to have someone tell you that normal body fluids are due to non maintenance but arousal especially when they don’t inhabit your body. Like sweating when your body is entered a warm environment. Or if someone hand sweat to speak infront of a group. The body secretes fluid for its own maintenance.

So of course that after years of tell the husband how the body works he still just focuses on himself and his dicks feelings of something slick.

Also it’s funny when notice the husband change female comics to another video when the female comic is talking or making a joke about this type of behavior for men cause now he skips it or changes it.

The typical “ your so wet” “ your so tight” isn’t a thing women find attractive. It’s porn talk guys bring thinking it makes good sexual convo.

When really you’re just describing the human functions.

And since he’s sex heavy on his mind cause that where it goes for feeling of completion? That sexual stuff is main form of showing love? When really I see him use it as an escape. I’ve already written a lot about this. So I have to count that factor about him.

I don’t count sex as a form of showing me you love me. I’ve written already about sexual abuse and assault… I’m not gonna find sex as a form of showing me you love me cause it’s too physical. It’s too easy to use and fool.

But I understand it’s what I have to provide as a wife because if not a man who thinks with his need first will also see it as a fault and that it’s a services he is deemed entitled to even if he says no that isn’t true it’s his actions and how he handles a women physically that’s gonna show that.

So I don’t count it. I have to actually stand on beliefs and not just go with the flow cause some times the flow get stuck in places that aren’t the cleanest. So you accept it as the truth and forget yourself.

Especially after being married for this long sex is part of it but not the main part.

I remember one online friend that said he hated when hot girls or only fan girls or sexy model girls got boyfriends and they stopped doing there porn stuff cause the boyfriends ruined it…

I think I responded with something along the lines of well it’s her boyfriend. If she gives him power to change her audience or maybe the relationship get more serious… idk something that I know didn’t go along I didn’t agree with him. I get he wants to freely feel he could objectify cause her bf lets her and maybe he controls it but after a while things will change.

We don’t want to accept that someone who was all over dick and flaunting of sexuality can change and then see it as wrong because they did.

At that point that’s them taking hold of their life to do what they feel they need. How are you gonna know what’s mental going in with one of those women? She makes material she must always be excited and idk positive? Cause what she’s got men constantly making compliments and shit?

Men are the one fucking themselves up with how sex is seen. Women find the attention and we all fall into this spiral thats sex is focused on.

I think that’s why I liked POV it was just bodies not faces. Close ups. Removing all the fake convo and buildup.

But when I’d tell the husband that he’d take it she just like the close up shots so it makes it more sexual in his mind.

So it come to

The perception of one’s sexuality.

Your pan and a freak so you body must always just want dick and what are you complaining about sex if your the one who is pansexual or cause you like anal or whatever.

That’s the issues within the world

Too how we perceive.

So I wasn’t pissed just sad that I guess don’t deserve the respect or anything. That since it been a constant in our relationship, the sex issues, that I shouldn’t be complaining anymore just providing and accepting that it is one sided and learn to balance myself out to keep going cause other wise I bring uncomfort or upset to the husband.

But looking at the big picture of the day before and now his behavior and my mood and how I felt. I made the choice that’s just common cause I froze.

Now adult age mostly movies cause no stopping between events. Still will watch SVU as default when there’s nothing or I mean what is available doesn’t sound good and I want to watch something. Same with criminal minds.

But I don’t sit and binge a whole season ( unless is short cause wtf 8 24 min episodes? “ limited series, could have been a fucking movie) Depending on the episode it could be boring and just background noise. Maybe fall asleep and a season goes by is more common to happen.

I’d rather a movie but with watching a lot of movies the universes don’t all match. I find my mind wanting to make sense of them but adding them to one world. Like a horror movie is happening in the Midwest while post apocalypse in the east. Idk

I started feeling guilty of my own feelings cause as I said in the last post I feel guilty of making the husband feel even a little upset. So if he’s trying I guess.

I shouldn’t say I guess

It’s easier to fault myself. As I looked up Reddits who have posted about other people situations like mine when the spouse wouldn’t change the wife would and that change was anti depressants and anti psychotics. To help her mood to balance it all out. Her husband keeps to his behavior

So instead of holding his responsible/accountable

however i still feel, but its diluted.

so its more like fake it till you make it not feel like anything.

this morning was one of those moment that i should have said something but i didnt cause my mind went:

-whats point?

-its just faster this way (although it felt like crying)

-im not listened to and my voice doesnt matter.

-if i dont then im at fault for not providing what he wants

-breath and put yoursef mentally else where

all of these come from trauma, sexual abuse and life experience. even if was to say something he doesnt listen and out the other ear. cause to him he takes it into i am also a victim because now i feel bad about my actions. he may not say hes the victim but would express it as that im making him feel like a bad guy for following his physical desires.

or as he said " sorry i wasnt thinking"

but he finished didnt he? twice maybe? cause I can feel his throbbing when he finishes.

i ended uo crying after he had sex with me. i was not moving back i was not grinding i was just entered as i woke up when his alarm sounded. i think i was half asleep. he could have even waken me up with jerking his morning hardness a little.

but i was not turned on or in the mood.

just sleeping... badly cause i had already woken up at 1-2 am then again like an hr later.

he didnt seem to even care other then to just finish. he goes about it like as if im actively enjoying it and going along.what i was actully doing was string at the door. wonderingif he even noticed that i wasnt into i would only to to push him out of me to see if he'd respond and take notice. but there was no such thing. i even want to say dont finish in me cause when this happens the cum feels gross it makes me feel disggusted with myself that im the one wrong cause im not like the husband, a little felt like id rather be dead cause i cant sync up with his needs.

guilt that i am doing horrible as a wife because I only get how he want with alcohol. thats for him in the dimension he lives in i can only be his fuckable best friend that sex is more importants for his menta well being that mine doesnt matter to him so i have to just worry about it myself.

i let myself cry as he left for work. he didnt notice i was upset till he was going out the door. i tiold him i didnt want to talk about it that id didnt matter.

he says it does but because this has been a reoccuring issue it doesn't matter anymore. he said he wasnt thinking well yea... no shit. but whats the point if by now its a practice not a choice not a one time thing its a pattern its an established behavior...theres no "therapy" here to point it out its just consistent behavior. ive made an ease for him to do it.

since im deeply depressed over the day before and just life feeling down lately. like i practice distraction to responsibility. keep to my schedule, perfrom needed maintaince of the home, pets, parenting...ect.

avoid art-making because there's not much time for my things.

ditching my activies cause they take up too much time for regular life.

kinda why i wanna do teaching itll be scheduled art making the doesnt interfere with the husband...

today i wanted to just push through as i usually do but i find it very hard to so ill write. ill get things done ive put off. continue to vent and distract.

the husband said hes trying to be a good husband so i must blame myself still cause he trying but a little part of me fantasizes about death. obviously i dont want it but the feels come.

your responsible for own emotions. how you react or behave, sometimes theres alot of trauma responses.

either way im just depressed today.

i told my boys i was and theyre familiar to it. they understand that after high emotional reactions mom need to just take it calm till im ready to take things more upfront/ normal. id be working on my sculpture today if i didnt feel how i do. i had scheduled it in my mind and body. ill still try to force myself but it wont be good. so why try. if i enter the show i do if i dont i dont whats the harm? i tried

we try...

try to be good people, parents, spouses.

but to achieve it you gotta be selfless. you gotta say fuck me but not to the sense that you dont matter but that your the foundation. whats on top must not crack the bottom. there has to be an understanding of material...people. to know how to hold whats there. the foundation must also be understood to see what can be held. but if you just sayb well foundations there looks solid and just start adding things unorganzed or not rated itll sink, crack,break...yea you can all more to seal the damage but the damage is done.

lets say the foundation solid but attched to something say like a big rock to a mountain or a cave to cliff..it supported by the greater mass. its issues will be not if it can hold ( i mean that matters too but that's at a larger scale) but how it will hold.

people are similar. do you have a big support to help you support others?

i dont know what i am in this analogy. probaby something plant like or air like? i say that casue well not eveyone may have a big solid support sometimes trees are the support or something else...idk.