...even for an audience of one. ~ No, I will not act my age. I remain old enough to know better, young enough not to care; old enough to have had my heart broken a time or two, young enough to still believe in Love. Hopeless Romantic. Unapologetically Benedict obsessed, though I do post other content as well. I write romantic/smutty fanfic on AO3 as BeautifullyObsessed.
So, here I am again, getting ready to move into my car. My application for short-term disability back pay has been temporarily rejected due to issues with my ID. Now, I'm waiting on my duplicate, updated driver license because the first one never arrived at my mailing address. It's gonna be a full month until I get it and can finally appeal the decision to reject. It feels like everything I do is a lesson in futility.
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Dunk and his sweet lass and their besties, Raymun & Rowan, cosplay at London Comic Con. Told in three parts (probably). Started entirely innocently, but the second half of Part One turns naughty. Don't blame me, blame the en suite jacuzzi. Based in the You're a Shooting Star AU. 18+ Contains NSFW material. 4.7k words
DAY ONE
Not a day went by that, at some point, Dunk didn't thank his lucky stars--his lucky, wishing stars--for the countless ways his life had changed in the past few months. Every day seemed to give him fresh reasons to be grateful. A better job and a more promising career path, doing work that he truly enjoyed. Stronger friendships with good people he could rely on if ever life turned sour. A far better flat than his bare-bones set of rooms in East London. And a sweet-hearted woman who treated him like he himself had painted the very stars that had blessed their lives and brought them together. A woman who loved him without pause or reservation, and with full faith that he could accomplish anything he put his mind to. Nothing in his previous life had prepared him for the bounty he was living now, nor for this remarkable time when he'd found a confidence that had eluded him his whole life.
Dunk stowed his faded, most comfortable pyjama bottoms and tee in his holdall and zipped it shut, then carried it from the bedroom and set it next to Vicki's wheeled suitcase waiting at the front door of their flat. Two garment bags hung on the doorframe, the smaller of the two he'd been sternly forbidden to touch, though she'd done so in jest because she knew very well her trust was well placed. He was a man of infinite patience anyway, not only trained to be by his childhood spent in orphanage, but by a quiet philosophy embedded in his bones and proven at last to be true. Good things come to those who wait. Dunk was already certain that what waited in that bag was meant for him to enjoy when the right time arrived.
And waiting for the right time for anything with his sweet girl had become for him, the easiest thing in the world.
His mobile chirpped an alert, so he grabbed it from his track pants pocket. A text from Rowan, telling him that she and Raymun were less than ten minutes away. "V, they're on the way. We ought to get downstairs now," he called.
She popped her head out of the loo, toothbrush planted in her cheek. "Gimme just a minute," she managed around it, then returned to her task. Dunk heard the water run briefly then watched her flick off the light and head down the hallway to join him. She grabbed her scuffed, mini-rucksack from atop her suitcase and slipped its straps in place. "Got everything?"
"Yup." He couldn't resist pulling her close and planting a soft kiss on her lips. "Mmmmm...minty fresh," he murmured, "Let's have another..."
"Dunk..." she started, but he'd already moved in for a second kiss, longer, deeper, and lingering as she relaxed her weight into his arms, then sighed when he broke the kiss. "Stop distracting me, Dunk. We'll have...mmmmm..." He'd wandered his lips to kiss along her jawline, seeking that exact response. "...mmmmm...plenty of...mmm...time for this..."
"And more..." he added, a little lost in the scent of her skin. Bright citrus and soothing vanilla. "...gods you smell good...mmm...like an orange split..." Good enough to eat, babe, he thought.
"Dunk...love...they'll be waiting on us..." Despite her objection, Vicki had slid one hand onto the nape of his neck, encouraging his exploration. He had reached the tender spot just behind her earlobe. "As nice as this is...ahhhhhh...we can catch up on this later. After we're checked in..."
He groaned against that tasty spot. "Alright." Gods, her softness and the way she felt feather-light in his arms had him wishing for a couple hours more so he could sweep her up and carry her to their bed. A full afternoon off was so rare for him, and Dunk ached to put it to the best sort of use. Showing her how deeply he loved and needed her. "Alright, baby girl," he finally conceded, softly grazing her lobe as he withdrew, "But you best believe we're picking up where we're leaving off right now, the first chance we get."
Her face looked dreamy as she nodded, her eyes soft and trained on his. "Whatever you say, love." Vicki blinked several times as she regained her composure, then gently teased, "It's bound to be worth the wait, Dunk. On those luxury sheets, no less--and in a king-size bed..."
Dunk drew in a whistling breath. "It's always worth the wait with you, V. Just don't say too much more, 'cuz the thought of that might break my patience after all."
She gave a little giggle, pleased because she knew how much he meant it. Though they were only traveling across town, it felt to both of them like a real holiday. The first they would be taking together. All their firsts remained a constant wonder to him, for he had despaired before they had met, of ever finding the right girl to share such moments with. Changed forever now, by the magic of their wishing stars.
He draped the garment bags across his shoulder and took his holdall in the other hand, and led her out the door and onto the modest little adventure awaiting them
The early afternoon traffic slowed their progress to the hotel, but both couples were in high spirits as Raymun maneuvered his used Nissan Juke, dodging between lanes as best he could to keep from getting stuck behind a bus. Rowan, riding shotgun, commandeered the radio, quickly dialing through the stations until she settled on a tune or two that fit the mood. Dunk was humming along to her latest choice, watching their progress out the backseat driver-side window, one of his huge, warm hands atop Vicki's, where she had rested it on his thigh. She adored the way he always sought even a small bit of physical contact between them, daily gentle proof of their claim on one another. A dear reminder that he was her long hoped-for shelter from her former lonely life and the easiest man in the world to love.
Gazing at the cars and lorries going by them in the passing lane, she was enjoying that feel of building excitement over the weekend before them, as well as for her weeks of work coming to fruition. Vicki had been determined to leave her cosplay costume a total surprise for Dunk. She had begun the construction surreptitiously, storing the pieces in bags and boxes on the floor beneath her side of their shared walk-in closet, secure in the knowledge that he wouldn't even consider venturing that deep into her things. She would never have needed to ask him not to either, for her man respected even unspoken boundaries. A childhood spent in a low-rent, over-crowded children's homes had taught him the value of his own personal space as much as honoring that of others. Although in all matters now, Dunk and Vicki gladly shared all that each had brought to their couplehood from their previous, solitary lives, this remained an undiscussed exception.
As London Comic Con had drawn closer, The Boys (as she and Rowan often referred to their lads, along with the half dozen or so blokes that comprised their friend group and Dungeon & Dragons table) had been boisterously looking forward to both the ticketed events and exploring the convention floor in costumes they just knew suited them perfectly. Dunk had immediately decided that he would go as Farmboy Luke Skywalker--his very first childhood hero--and with her costuming experience from drama school and the second hand Singer beginners model sewing machine that she had found at a flea market right after Raymun and Dunk had proposed attending the convention, she had been able to create a nearly foolproof Dunk-sized version of Luke's tunic and leggings, while he allowed his gingery blonde hair to grow enough to pass for that late 70's hairstyle. A thick, mud-colored belt from a military surplus store, and a realistic looking lightsabre toy--also picked up second hand--which she had painted a silvery metallic, completed his costume. Raymun had kept his options open--Han Solo (Rowan's favorite as she was going as slave girl Leia with a small but shapely baby bump), Luke's Corellian wingman Wedge Antilles, or Paul Atreides. He seemed to change his mind every few days.
Vicki was excited for the big reveal, and only Ro had been in the secret. As her costume was a tad scanty--in keeping with the character she'd chosen--she'd put herself on a low-carb diet in the last couple weeks leading up to Comic Con. When Dunk would bring home a pint of cookie dough ice cream, he became its sole partaker; chips and crisps, pasta and bread of any kind, did not appear on their dinner table for the duration, unless Dunk stopped for takeaway and which Vicki staunchly refused. "Babe, I love you exactly as you are," he would tell her, "So please have a scoop of this or at least a wee biscuit. You know I don't like eating all these sweets alone."
Vicki would climb aboard his lap and kiss the flavor (and any crumbs) from his lips. "Just a little taste is all I need, darling. A wee bit will be enough to satisfy." If he pouted--a skill he'd learned from, and only employed upon, her--she would snog him even more soundly and promise it would all be worth it in just a few days' time.
The gang had gone in together for a suite at the hotel attached to the convention center, enabling them to start the party on Friday night, thus skipping their bi-weekly DnD quest in favor of a full evening of drinks, shared favorite fantasy films and, possibly--depending on alcohol consumption--rowdy behavior. The two couples had paid the lion's share for the suite as they were taking the two bedrooms, each with a private bath--while the rest would pile into the living/dining area in sleeping bags. Though most of the boys probably wouldn't get a lot of sleep that first night, Dunk and Vicki already planned to turn in early in order to enjoy this first visit to such posh accommodations. Beginning with the king-size bed--which Dunk was especially pleased to be trying out, even if it might dwarf his girl.
As hotel guests, they parked for free in a special reserved space in the multi-story car park, gathered their assorted baggage, then headed to the registration desk. Raymun and Dunk took charge there, though before stepping away, Ro reminded them to get enough key cards to give out to the solo members of their group arriving later.
The lobby was huge, with gleaming windows facing the street and partially roofed in glass as well. A set of escalators ran from the ground floor to a mezzanine that housed a variety of specialty shoppes, a few quick and casual dining spots, and a single, dedicated sports bar. Fine dining restaurants and a large lounge branched off from the lobby. The convention center proper sat directly across from the hotel, and could be reached ground level just by crossing the street, or from the first floor proper via a skyway. A constant hubbub of conversation filled the air.
They ended up on the eighth floor, near to the lifts, their footfalls muffled by a thick, plush, carpet in muted sapphire blue with cream and gold borders running the length. The door to their suite was wider than average, judging by the fact that Dunk hadn't needed to turn slightly to enter--though force of habit had him duck a bit to miss the lintel. The rooms themselves carried on the color theme of blues, creams, and gold. A cream colored sofa, loveseat, and a pair of matching, powder blue chairs were arranged facing a drapery covered wall; the telly remote sent the curtains drawing apart to reveal a 75" television screen. Powder blue Roman shades covered the windows. And the bedrooms, each behind double doors, were even more posh than the living area. The girls were sqealing with absolute delight over the luxury of it all.
Naturally, his size earned Dunk and Vicki the master bedroom of the two rooms, and when she discovered an oversized marble tub with jacuzzi jets sat seperate from the glass enclosed shower stall--also big enough for Dunk, and equipped with a shower head on both ends--she dragged him into the toilet, gleefully telling him they would not be leaving this room until they tried at least one of the amenities. Of course, he had no objection to that goal.
Shortly after their discovery, Rowan rapped on their open door, interested to see how their room measured up to hers with Raymun. When neither answered, she followed the sound of Vicki giggling and found Dunk perched on the rim of the tub with his girl tucked between his legs, both hands cupping her bottom as her hands tangled in his hair, while his low, happy rumble echoed among the marble and glass. Ro, relieved that they were at least still clothed, cleared her throat and waited for them to take notice of her, then nodded her approval. "Go on, then," she laughed, "It's hours until supper time, and it wouldn't hurt you two to work up a healthy appetite. I'll, uh...I'll just get the door on the way out." Neither answered as she slipped away, though Vicki's very audible sigh as Rowan closed the bedroom door behind her was enough to signal they were following her advice.
The air around them was humid, heavy with steam from the freshly filled jacuzzi tub. Dunk had climbed in first at Vicki's request and was leaning with both arms over the front wall, waiting for her to join him. His fair skin was beaded with water, his freckled, muscular shoulders a sight of pure fascination for her. She had memorized the scattered patterns of his freckles over their months together, and had oft times spoiled them with soft kisses. Yet they were only one small detail of his physical beauty, and in her estimation, he was so much more than the sum of his many features which she had come to adore so.
She stood just a step away from the tub, her skin damp from the moisture in the air, as she twisted the full swath of her hair, piled it atop her head, then secured it with a sturdy claw clip. Dunk was watching her with that smoldering hunger in his eyes that always left her weak with wanting him to take control of what was coming; made her eager to concede her will to his. No other soul on earth had ever seen the way his dusty blue eyes darkened when he looked on her with that sort of mounting desire. Such a gorgeous sight it made, too, and--like the gravelly timbre of his voice when his face hovered above hers as they moved as one--it belonged to her alone.Ā
Vicki shivered pleasantly despite the heat between them, though it was just a quiet precursor of the shivers he would soon draw from her. She unhooked her bra, slid away the straps and let it fall, then shimmied out of her knickers. "Mmmm," Dunk bit his lip and held out his arm to her, "Baby, please..." She took his hand and slipped into the tub, submerging to her neck, wetting the loose tendrils of hair that the clip didn't contain. With a gentleness that belied the size and strength of his hands, he took her shoulders and pulled her close, then cupped her face in his hands.Ā
As the heated water swirled and bubbled around them, he began with a soft, warm kiss, mildly electric, but enough to spark her need for something deeper. Slow and patient, he continued, as though learning her mouth anew, and Vicki hummed quietly, parting her lips beneath his while landing her hands on his vast shoulders. She could feel his smile as he plumped his lower lip against hers before he withdrew just a whisper from her mouth. "Baby doll..." he breathed, the sweetness of that endearment settling its warmth in the center of her chest, "...my sweet, sweet lass..."
He took her mouth again, gently at first, threading his fingertips into her hair while using the water's buoyancy to float her toward the side of the tub, to trap her there with the great wall of his body. Vicki had shown him and told him several times over that she liked it that way; to have him overwhelm her with his height and breadth, and his astonishing strength restrained. And Dunk had proven too, that it was an equal desire of his, though he had never trusted revealing that facet of his heart to anyone else in his past. In this, as in so many ways, they fit one another like hand in glove.
She sighed hard against his open mouth, moaning softly when he answered by tracing inside her lips with his tongue. He gave a pleased grunt when she touched just the tip of her tongue to his, inviting him in for a fuller taste. Welcoming the eager thrust of his tongue by drawing it atop her own, pleased to give way to her love in this as in all things.
She remained gently pinned against him, eyes closed but fully immersed in every sensation. Vicki rested her head on the edge of the tub with her arms stretched along the marble wall. Dunk trailed his lips across her cheek and jawline, landing open-mouthed kisses on the side of her neck and then her throat. "You taste like heaven, love..." he murmured, "...my heaven...my girl..." He slid his hands from her waist to cup her bottom again, kneading her flesh possessively, while sucking the water from the hollow of her throat and along her shoulders.
"Mmmmm...not too hard, Dunk, please..." He had a tendency to leave her skin quite tender--which she absolutely enjoyed--but as her cosplay was somewhat revealing, dark love bruises might be hard to hide even with make-up. "...only 'cos my costume is strapless. We don't need everyone knowing what we've been up to..." She couldn't make out his mumbled reply against her left shoulder, but he did lighten up enough to make a difference.
Though she allowed herself to get lost in the way that Dunk was spoiling her, Vicki wasn't surprised when he anchored his meaty hands on her thighs to wrap her legs around his waist. "Yes...oh, yessss..." she nodded, reaching to circle her arms around his neck, which left her breasts pressed against his firm, unyielding chest, the apex of her thighs against his hard, ruddy length. She loved how big her Duncan was in all his mouthwatering ways; he was almost a giant in contrast to how small and safe he made her feel. Yet he moved through the world with uncommon gentleness and unless the moment called for it--like now--he would hold her like a fragile piece of glass. Unleashing his strength only when truly needed...or when she asked him to.
Vicki tucked her face in the crook of his neck, savoring his skin there with tender kisses and the gentle graze of her teeth. Dunk was floating them along to the far end of the jacuzzi tub to a bench seat protruding from the bathtub wall. "Tub at home's too small to do this comfortably," he told her. "Let's try something new, V." He untangled her arms from around his neck and set her on her feet in front of him, then settled on the seat, though he only just fit. He looked hungrier now than when they'd begun, and she felt more than ready to satisfy him.
"C'mere now, love." Gods he was beautiful! Of course, she recognized that she loved him too deeply now for the good man he was, to be an honest, impartial judge of his appearance. Of his earnest, blue eyes fringed by such soft lashes and the god given grace in the planes and angles of his face. Or his imperfectly perfect nose and impossibly perfect, granite jawline. And somehow even the new shagginess of his soft, pale ginger-blonde hair made him all the more dear to her eyes. All set to life by a sweetness of expression that sometimes left her at a loss for words. Yet here he was, surely a paragon of male beauty in any reality, summoning her. Eager, in fact, to have her. "Don't go shy on me now, V," her Duncan chided in soft amusement, sweet enough to break her stasis and bring her straight to his arms.
It was a rare moment that she stood taller than he was as he sat, and Vicki laughed softly to be looking down at him, if only briefly. "What...what's so funny, babe?"
The slightly perplexed, completely adorable look he wore was one of her favorites. Didn't last for long though, as his arms shot right to her waist and reeled her in to him. Her breath rushed out with a little 'whoof', and she might've grabbed his shoulders to keep her balance, but Dunk twirled her to face the other way and pulled her down. He laid his mouth aside her ear. "I'll have you on my lap a while, girlie," he told, voice dropped low and like a hot flex to her core, "Unless you'd rather not."
"Duncan...love...you know that any way is good...damn good with you," she hummed, giving a wee wiggle of her bum against his thick cock.
He hissed softly in surprise, then pulled her flush against his chest, laying dedicated kisses on the nape of her neck, smoothing his lips to her upper back, to mark her skin where her hair would cover it tomorrow. Vicki always reveled in such small signs of possessiveness from him, something she had never enjoyed with any other lad. Only Dunk could push her boundaries so, claiming her in ways she had never dreamed of before him.
She gripped his powerful thighs as he cupped her breasts from beneath them, gently squeezing while tracing lazy circles around her areolas with just the thick pads of his thumbs. Reading each little moan and sigh he drew from her as his guide to please her best. Slowly, methodically, Dunk teased her nipples into hard peaks, kissing the side of her neck while Vicki arched into his palms. "That's my girl," he crooned against her ear, "My soft, beautiful lass..." She laid her head back against his shoulder, the movement enough to make her adjust how snug she sat against him. His full erection remained pressed hard against her bottom. "Christ, you feel good, baby. Almost too good." His whole body seemed to shudder as he groaned, low and deep in his chest. "Please...don't move an inch, love," he told her, "Don't move at all...I just...I just wanna feel you for now..."Ā
Eyes closed, softly panting as his hands pampered her breasts, Vicki rolled her head only enough to kiss his neck, then raised her opposite arm behind them to rest that hand on the back of his neck. The tension beneath her hand was exhilarating for what it told her; his muscles, wherever their bodies met, were taut with the strain of him holding back. As ever, he sought her pleasure before his own.
Dunk drew the fingers of his right hand along her torso to her hip, keeping her breast gathered in his left hand. She breathed hard, giving the first of many deeper moans to come as he wandered his free hand along her abdomen, resting his fingers beneath her navel. His voice grew a bit rough, betraying his need for her, as he asked, āAre you ready for this, baby girl?ā Vicki could only nod, whimpering her own need, her focus wholly on the promise of his fingers waiting there.
In only a moment more, he had cupped his fingers against her mound. Vicki immediately pushed into his hand, spreading her legs a bit to allow him better access. He gripped her hip with his other hand, to keep her in place, and then gently parted her slit. She bucked hard at the first pass of his fingers on her clitoris, bucked hard against him, jarring his cock and making him groan. "Easy now, V," Dunk husked, "Wanna do this for you first...wanna make you cum...ā
Vicki groaned hard at hearing him speak it so plainly, nodded yes against him, compliant to his will and moaning his name. His given name, for she loved that he rarely heard it from anyone else but her. Her body was tense with want, the muscles throughout her pelvis aching for resolution. Gently at first, he ran his fingertips through her warm, wet folds, his loving touch making her grind against his hand.
She gasped hard, straining against him when his thumb finally began to work her clit. āRelax and...and just let me please you.ā Dunk's voice had roughened as his unanswered lust rebounded on him, and in the torture of the pump of her hips in time to how he stroked her. He released her hip and moved his other hand down to her opening, sliding one finger into her slick heat, and soon adding a second. Vicki keened his name this time, lost to anything but the divine curl of his long, thick fingers massaging her sweet spot.
"Oh gawd...oh gawd...oh...gawd..." she gasped. "Dunk...baby...you do me so good..." He'd finally begun to roll his hips against her bottom, and his hot breath landed heavy on her skin, signs that his need was surely as great as her own. Vicki slid her hands along his arms, stopping at his wrists to splay her fingers across the backs of his hands. "Wanna...wanna do for you too...Dunk...baby, please...please..." Vicki felt suspended in a most exquisite sort of torment; wanting to reach the glorious finish he was building her to, while aching with all her soul to unite with him in a shared euphoria. Robbed of the physical strength to do anything but follow his will...to even raise her head up from his shoulder...she murmured against the side of his neck. "Love you, Duncan...love you so damn much..."
He nodded, rumbling back, "I know, baby girl....I know..." He inhaled hard, his voice turned ragged with equal need. "Love you more, Vicki...now...now and always...I...swear it..."
That was enough. Far from the first time he'd said so, the rawness of his declaration now sent her careening into pure bliss. Heart hammering, breath catching, toes curling, her muscles spasming throughout her pelvis, thighs, and abdomen. Dunk whispered softly as she rode the waves of her orgasm, his clever fingers gently working her through them as they slowly diminished. "There she is...that's my sweet girl..." Had any woman felt more cherished then she did at this moment?
She felt wrapped in divine warmth as a flood of endorphins surged through her bloodstream, left without the will to move quite yet, and slow to even realize he was silently rocking her. Soothing her. All Vicki wanted now was to cling to him as best she could and tell him again and again how head-over-heels beyond anything she'd ever felt her whole life through for anyone or anything, she was for him. She managed to turn, drawing her legs up to curl against him--and despite the fact they weren't near finished with each other yet, he was chuckling as she buried her nose in his neck. "Need a little while more to...ehm...recover, Dunk." Gods, but she was sleepy now! And it felt so good to just rest there, skin on skin. His delicious, lovely, freckled, always incredibly warm skin...
Snug against his chest, she could feel the vibration of his quiet laughter and just couldn't help the way it made her smile. "Whatever you need, V." Dunk sighed then, a little wistfully, but with the same forgiving patience he showed about nearly everything in life. "We've got hours ahead 'til dinner...and baby girl, as I've said before, you're always worth the wait."Ā
Sooooo...if you'd like to read more about Dunk and his girl, you can check out the WIP where they meet and fall in love, and a one-shot that is the first in a series detailing their first year together. On AO3:
āi love youā during sex is such an insane level of horny to me. one side moaning i love you feeling so vulnerable and full of everything at once as is that it just slips like that, and the other letting it sink in for a moment and it fogs their mind more than it already is with pleasure and adoration to then groan that they love them so much more and fuck them harder about it. as if to let it sink in more for them. feel me love you. pouring it inside, moaning at how it feels good to love you. oh how i love you i love you i love you
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summary: One day, the details of Ser Duncan the Tall might slip away from Tanselle's mind. The specific shade of his eyes, the rumble of his voice. Withered away by distance and time. But each stroke of that sigil is recorded by the muscle memory of her hand, and it might just be the thing that outlasts them both.
Or: Tanselle does what she does best: paint and tell stories. Dunk travels around with his head perpetually looking over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of someone. Two souls bound to never meet again, finding echoes of one another while on the road.
okay so I've been thinking about how different dunk and egg's biggest dreams are; egg secretly wishes for a simpler life (the "I could be happy here" scene where he looks over the camp while eating next to dunk + his love for fishing being another clear indication of that) while dunk yearns for a more complicated life of a noble which he thinks "a better knight" could live (which is interesting, since his master-disaster of a hedge knight/step-father arlan pennytree (who looks like he wondered into akotsk straight out of a terry gilliam film) lived the exact opposite of that, but he was neither happy nor sad about it ā he was a roaming, chaotic force content with living among complete meaninglessness. he was beyond right and wrong ā he was the life itself; the way i see these 3 is: the father, the son and the holy spirit ā high/higher life, low/lower life and complete chaos as what life really is, the inversion of any thing "spiritual" that retains a human face)
now there are many things to be said about arlan of pennytree: what he represents, what he's a symbol of, the metaphors and implications surrounding his image. but I'll be brief: the "I'm a prince and I love fishing" vs "I'm a noble savage and I want to be a knight" made me think of "The Downeaster āAlexaā by billy joel ā a song about a struggling fisherman. in this song the phrase "own my Downeaster Alexa" isn't just about a boat ā it's about theĀ struggle for independenceĀ and the high cost of holding onto something that defines who you are.Ā to egg "the simpler life" isn't just "having fun all day" ā it's true independence and freedom (from moral corruption and formalities); to dunk "life of a noble" isn't really a "lavish lifestyle" ā it's power to protect: oneself and others (the way he couldn't protect those dear to him in the past); it's also a power to stay in memory (the way ser arlan didn't). he wants knighthood specifically, because "being a knight" has been successfully ingraved into his self-image, whether he understands it or not. now whether he understands what "a true knight is" or even "what life (and having a solid foundation as a person) itself is" is another question; which I assume what the series is really about.
made an edit to illustrate all of the above: questions of identity, "downeaster alexas", dignity; also the father-son dynamics and a theme of non-physical inheritance that the show had touched upon.
if there's anything I'd like to ask hbo it's to allow more "deus ex machina" of meaning, realism and true, poignant drama the way it's been allowed in akotsk. like GOT itself, akotsk is an 80s medieval epic drama at its core (hence the style of the edit), whether, like a Fool, it purposefully conceales its range, serious tone and nature or not
you can't imagine how torn I feel (unless you've been there yourself) desperately wanting to write, to update my WIPs and bring life to my newest story ideas, but finding the results of those efforts so disheartening that I can barely bring myself to continue
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when you find any excuse you can to delay looking at that Draft again because it's still not up to the quality of your old writing. and you know now that this is a permanent condition.