divine will;

This post is not one to downplay. This post is not one to berate. This post is a formal apology for the actions I’ve exhibited in recent days as well as behavior that I was not held accountable for 2-3 years prior to the callout post. 

In this post, I would like to address multiple things. Past behavior, recent behavior, and individuals caught in the crossfire. Over the past (near) week, I have greatly reflected on the situation that had transpired. My involvement with LV, not doing anything to prevent the behavior, and even at times playing into the behavior—foul as it was. Because not doing anything to stop any of it is just as bad as being a part of it, in my eyes. However, I cannot speak for the others involved and I will not speak for them. It isn’t my place.

While I understand that you (Asra) and I had personally spoken only weeks ago in light of this, where you had apologized for words used to describe me to those around you.. I had failed to apologize on my own behalf. I failed to apologize for thinking so poorly of you. I failed to apologize for not being a better friend to you, moreover believing that our friendship was much more developed than it was. I felt so passionate about wanting better for you in how foul a situation you were in those days that I lost sight of what was really important. And that was giving you a safe space to vent your woes. I became too closely invested in the bad days that I too easily gave up the good days. Because in truth, your situation was never mine to judge nor impose my feelings about. No matter how much I would vehemently speak out against what was going on, I should’ve realized then that it couldn’t save you from that mess. It was only making matters worse. And that was not fair to you. So with all of my being, I am sorry for being a poor example of a manifested safe haven. I did not give that to you. No, I did not develop romantic feelings for you. I developed resentment toward your situation and thus, as stated above, became too closely involved. I apologize for giving you the impression of such. I would, however, like to state that I only wanted you to be free of what was happening then. I see now that those worries and feelings are no longer necessary as it appears that your situation has improved immensely. And I am happy for you. 

After our mediation on discord back in March (I can grab the date if needed), I was content to simply coexist. It was quiet and both parties (from my perspective) held this feeling mutually. However.. When it was believed that you had resurfaced on a blog appearing to be lying about your age, it had crossed me terribly. It was a red flag to me. This, however, within my days of coming to terms with my feelings and truly assessing the situation in its totality… I realized it was not so foul a move as my knee-jerk reaction had posed it to be. I blocked you when it was brought to my attention, though you were not being malicious. You were not being a “creep”. You wanted to ensure and curate your own space to avoid certain individuals. And for this, I also apologize for letting poor feelings be roused again into overtaking my actions and once more failing to prevent foul behavior on all fronts of those involved. I understand that I am no one’s keeper, and I understand that I am in no position to police anyone, but just as I said: doing nothing and allowing it all is just as bad as being involved. 

But the worst part is I was very involved at this point. Too invested in the idea that someone else had been subjected to the same situation I thought I dealt with back then. When I knew that I should’ve deflected from the topic when LV approached me. Because, in all honesty, I had managed to bury the past and hadn’t even thought that you might still be on that website still (I mean, I was sure you could’ve been, I just harbored no ill will toward that fact). I myself had convinced myself I moved on entirely from what had happened between us and how we fell away from one another as friends back then. I would like to apologize to you for that as well in making you believe that I held no interest in our friendship then any longer. I’m not blaming it on this, but I was a new mother and was having a hard time balancing the amount of conversations and friendships I had at the time. That is no one’s fault but my own; I should’ve known whether or not I had the spoons to deal with/talk to anyone. Moreover, I should’ve been honest with you in regards to my feelings or inability to balance conversations. Instead I vagued about you then just as I had done in more recent days whilst involved with LV. 

Of which I would like to extend yet another apology for. Vague posting is something I had, for a time, been able to get away from. I impose my feelings and dismay into tags instead of venting to the many, many outlets I have of friends who have long since begged me to just come to them to vent my woes instead of putting it on the dash in such a way. That is something I have also reflected on these past few days and the way it does me no good. It does not settle whatever I’m feeling. It seems to only fuel my aggravation because there is no constructive passing of feelings, or whatever is going on in my brain at that moment. You have been a target of this behavior and I am deeply, truly sorry. Remorseful. 

I don’t expect you to believe any of this. I don’t expect you to take this apology with more than a grain of salt. I expect you to see it and harbor feelings toward it that are appropriate for you on your side of the situation. I don’t expect us to ever be friends again and that’s fine. But I would like to say that in light of my reflection, I do not hate you. I don’t hate you for making that callout. I don’t hate you for harboring any ill feelings toward me. Because I understand. Which is why I wanted to take the time to post this apology. While I had updated my rules in regard to the callout, I felt as though updating my rules just wasn’t enough. Especially when there would be so many people caught in the crossfire of that post coming across their dash. Many feelings that would either react positively or negatively. Which is why I, the day it was posted, did not want to post anything more than what I had. For I am well aware of how I felt about it on an emotional spectrum. And we all know how my emotions have been catering to me in light of recent events. 

With that being said… I wish you well. I wish you nothing but peace. If reconciliation is ever possible in the future, though my expectations are low, I would be willing if you felt safe enough to do so. Or the possibility to speak with you about it directly WITHOUT another person present. You can screenshot the entire conversation, you can archive it—do whatever you need to feel safe in that moment. But most of all, in my reflection I have come to terms with my feelings. You deserve to be happy and at peace just as much as anyone on that website. And I am sorry that I, as well as others, have made you feel any less than that. It isn’t right. It’s very, very wrong and I know that. Especially when that website is a haven for some to get away from harsh realities and unkind families. So I am deeply, immeasurably sorry. I am so sorry, Asra. 

This next portion is to be directed at my followers and friends (both those who are staying by my side and those who I have lost throughout this ordeal). Because I believe I owe everyone else around me an apology as well. Because though the majority of the drama surrounding Asra and I is from a few years ago, outside of the more recent behavior and allowing the same of others, I was never held accountable for it. I have been approached by many who believe I am better than what was said while there are others who have condemned me. As a human being, I am imperfect, I will never believe that someone is leaving in light of what they believe to be someone less than deserving of an apology. They believed I was a better person. They believed I was kinder, gentler, more protective of the community. And a few years ago, that was not true. Clearly. While my outlook on the dash and the community has changed greatly, some having even called me “mom”, that isn’t displayed in my recent involvement and behavior. And to those of you who looked up to me or stood by me, and even those that still currently stand by me, I am so sorry. I am sorry that you had to see me stoop so low and humor this foul behavior and heinous actions. Especially when I, myself, am aware that I can do much better than what I have shown. 

If those of you who have left could ever find it in your hearts to forgive me, for I am learning and growing and vow to do so going forward, I would be immensely grateful. Because I know that this is not the way I have been teaching my child to handle her feelings. I teach her to come to me or her father, to express how she’s feeling in a safe and healthy environment, and not to lash out because those feelings become too much or too heavy. The ways that I teach my daughter fell short of how I acted over the past month and looking back on it, I’m appalled by my own behavior. How am I supposed to teach my daughter to be an upstanding human being when I’m not exhibiting these teachings myself? Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t mean it’s any less important than dealing with people face to face. If I intend to teach my child how to be kind and thoughtful, considerate of others around her, then I should be exhibiting the very same on ANY platform or in any setting. People as human beings deserve kindness in a world that’s already so hard to live in. There are far greater hardships in this world; no one should be snuffing out light and happiness on a platform that’s meant for joy and a hobby that we all as writers share in. I am deeply sorry to those that I have disappointed. I am deeply sorry to those whose peace I may have disrupted. It’s unfair.

And last but not least, I would like to address someone whose trust I greatly betrayed in light of this entire ordeal. Emily/ @mythosa

I broke your trust. I broke our bond. Because I looked at you and saw the sun, and because I wanted to appease someone and use your situation as an example to what was happening in the early stages of this mess, I lost sight of the importance of your privacy. It was such an intimate telling of what had happened between you and Asra those years ago—I had no business even speaking of it or using it as an example. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I vehemently pleaded that you not be directly involved because it wasn’t your fight. It wasn’t something that had anything to do with you. But that, too, was dismissed and you got dragged right into drama. You deserved better from me as someone you said you trusted. I do not think ill of you. I don’t blame you for reacting the way you did. As your friend at the time, I should’ve left your name completely out of the mix. And for that I am truly sorry. 

The purpose of this post was not to make me feel better. There is a bitter taste on my tongue over the whole ordeal. Regret, disappointment in myself, and frustration. The only thing that I feel is a little bit lighter because I did what needed to be done and took accountability, in apologizing, now for my behavior—though it’s too late to go back and change what I did. I deeply regret my actions. I know that I am capable of so much more and better behavior, yet I greatly missed that mark. I’m not sure what the future will hold for my blogs, at least not currently. Because this site is also my own escape when I need a breather from what life throws at me. So who was I to take that from someone else? It was selfish, wrong, and just—foul. 

To Asra, I hope you are able to find many friends and curate a space for you that is perfect by your standards. One that allows you to feel safe and comfortable to write that which you wish and be friends with who you wish without backlash over your mere existence. To my friends and those who have since left, I hope that you will allow me to grow and learn from this ordeal so that I myself can learn to be a better person that you all believe, or believed, me to be. 

To Emily, I wish only for healing over my shortcomings. While I don’t expect you to forgive me, know that my feelings are genuine. I never wanted this for anyone involved but I wasn’t exactly proactive in preventing anything. Especially you—someone who was nothing but kind, loving, and nurturing to me in spite of my flaws. I cannot apologize enough to you of all people. 

In conclusion, this is my acknowledgement that how I acted throughout all that transpired was inexcusable. I allowed myself to become part of a hunt over a person who has already dealt with their fair share of hardships. I directly involved myself in hatred and spiteful acts. I made vague posts that were extremely damaging. I let down dozens of people who thought better of me. Undeserving of their kindness then as I am now. I hope to one day be deserving of it, though. With growth and hopefully healing for the ache in my chest and how hollow my stomach feels just thinking about everything that happened. 

I hope for peace and happiness. Do the things you love unapologetically. Let no one determine whether or not you will stay in a place that allows you to unwind and feel safe. Let no one undermine the sanctuary you’ve built around you and the friends you’ve made.