between me and you? pranks! laughs! ah...

no, i don’t have a “dream job.” i want to spend my days reading and writing and lazing in the afternoon sun. i want to bake bread and brownies and apple crumble. i want to grow my own vegetables and plant a rainbow of flowers. i want to be with nature. i want to be at peace.

“i don’t care,” i say, caringly, as i care deeply

Toe beans look like juicy fruit to tortoises.

(toe beans ARE juicy fruit)

DC took Chris Pine so that Marvel couldn’t collect all the Chris’…it’s like when somebody blocks you from the last property in Monopoly so you don’t become too powerful.

What are your elected officials doing with all of your tax money?

Embezzling

let them in

bored. might levitate just because

I know exactly what the fucking reply is. I don’t need to look closely, I know exactly which motherfucker you put in the distance

lmao homeboy STRUGGLED

Idk who he is but I love him

This feels like a cartoon

Lmfao when he finally got him

i literally cheered for the bunny lol

kids have no concept of anything. i walked into my kindergarten class and one kid asked me what my name was. when i said miss jones, he said “i like that name. did you know i’m in love with you”

i asked my four year old cousin how old he thought i was going to be at my next birthday and he said 8. im 23

once i told a 6 year old that i had finished school and was doing “more school” [university] and she asked “why haven’t you found anyone to marry then”

We were at a museum and I was asking for the student discount and my nine year old cousin looks up at me with his eyes wide and says “wait you’re a STUDENT??”

I used to babysit these three kids and the eldest who was around 11 at the time was talking about how adults are boring and when I told him I was an adult he said, “That’s not true, you’re my age”

our aunt teaches and she has this story about a little girl who really was always pretty quiet in class and then on the final day of kindergarten she just up and stated ‘i’m all teached now. i don’t need to be teached anymore. i’m done of being teached.’

once when i was 19, I told my little cousin that i was 19 and she looked up at me with huge eyes and went, “Does that mean you don’t have to bring an adult with you to the pool?”

My 6 year old cousin saw me driving for the first time, looked up at him mom and said “does that mean she is married now?”

I watched my dad and my niece (3 at the time) arguing over a pair of pants and whether or not they were also a dress. My neice’s argument was that they were, in fact, also a dress because they were blue.

I asked the kids in my daycare class what they thought I should be for Halloween and this little boy goes, “ooh I know! A pickle! You’d be such a good pickle”

One time I was working with a kid and he looked up at me and asked “Do you have a boy?” I had no idea what he was talking about, but I told him that I did not have any boys. He looked shocked and then deeply concerned and said “Well, you better hurry up and shave your arms so you can get married; August is next month!”

One time my siblings and I were talking to our half brother, who is ten years younger than me and was maybe… six at the time? And we started talking about our dog, and he asked how old the dog was. We told him Shadow was 10. Our brother considered this, nodded sagely, and said, as calmly and flippantly as if he were commenting on the weather, “Gonna die soon.”

Mr. City

#mr city was my father please call me owl

yall ever read a fact that just fucks up your whole world? let me tell you about mine. fact: you can very easily slip a lightbulb in your mouth, but it is impossible to remove it without breaking either the lightbulb or your jaw. this has ruined my life. i can not fucking see an old style lightbuble without thinking about how i could shove that baby right in my maw easy as pie. the inclination to do so is fucking insatiable. i feel like rapunzel’s mom and the rampion garden. a quest i know will result in terrible fate but my mind wants to do it so badly just to play out the awful scenario that would undoubtedly unfold before me. this is the true symbol of temptation. a lightbulb.