Switch

I spend an awful lot of time thinking about what my Dominant is to me. He is my strength, my comfort, and my friend. The list goes on and on. I think he would say I was meticulous when it came to vetting. I wanted to know that he was not only willing, but wanting, to be all the things I needed him to be for me. But what about the things I’m supposed to be for him?

You’ll hear time and again here on Tumblr, about all of the thing you should expect your Dom to be for you. The ways he needs to step up that are non-negotiable. There have been a few posts lately by people I admire that have gotten me to thinking about the role that I play for my Dominant. Where does my responsibility lie, beyond being cute, and perfecting that whimpering beg he loves so much?

I owe honesty. If I expect honesty in return, it’s my responsibly to present the real me from day one. Truth, truth, and more truth. There’s tact and then there’s dishonesty. If I pretend to be someone, or something, I am not, to win affection, that makes me a liar.

I owe clarity. I need to define my limits, goals, and expectations carefully and honestly. It would be unfair of me, and unkind, to wait until we’ve negotiated our relationship before defining my limits. This requires honesty, not only with him, but with myself.

I owe obedience. There is a difference between a negotiated level of brattiness in a relationship and disobedience. In the same way I expect him to provide structure I need to respond with obedience.

I owe presence. I need to be present for him just as he is for me. It’s unfair to ask for his time, attention, and effort if I am not willing to respond in kind. This includes an honest assessment of what I have to offer.

I owe affection. I can not expect that which I am unwilling to give. It would be wrong of me to enter into a relationship while waiting for the next best thing to come along. Plenty of people can thrive in a D/s relationship not based in loving affection, but that sort of relationship is not for me.

I owe respect. He’s earned it. When we first met I owed him fuck-all. But my submission to him is evidence that he has earned my trust and respect. Given that he has done nothing to betray that trust, and in recognition of all the thing I love about him, and the effort he puts into our relationship, I owe him respect in return.

I owe deference. I can not expect someone to lead if I am not willing to follow. I must allow him opportunity to take the lead by deferring to him. Obeying only when it’s demanded of me is not enough.

A month ago, I started this denial road of no return, and since then, there are a lot of tiny interesting physical changes happening….

First, all that fucking nudity. I’m never completely naked. I don’t mind and is not shy on showing skin but the one piece of clothes that I usally have is underware. It’s as like a mental civilization reminder for me. Until now. I was doing a task and it required to be completely naked, at least at home. It shows that good girls not only do not cum but also are always ready. Clothes are for other worthy people. So off everything goes. And somehow I can’t make myself to put them back on unless absolutely nessesary…now, after a month of nothing, when I have to go outside, I’m so much more aware of the materials touching my nipples, pussy and clit. I feel so guilty having underware on….

Second, all that fuck pussy juice. I can get really wet when I’m aroused. But I can’t get aroused that easy. Usually, if my libido is not high, there have to be very long foreplay or I need to watch porn for a long while. Now, few touches, some grabbing, licking, sucking and I can glide throught the fucking universe. My man is loving it, thinking he has finally triggered something. Well, between you and me, ssshhh.

Third, always fucking HORNY. Like my libido, unless my cycle is high, I’m not a horny person. Maybe few days in a month max would I fell the need to make myself cum. After the second week into denial, my clit is not mine anymore, it’s on it’s own and does what ever it feels like. Today, I was picking up dishes when I realised after a few seconds I’m humping the table corner. I needed to seriouly grab for the door to avoid humping the bed corner… I’m horny and everything can trigger it. And I don’t know if I like this or hate this feeling anymore. I’m just horny and confused and I have to use every fiber in my body to focus on daily tasks…

Fourth, all the fucking words. I can read. Now I wish I couldn’t. (No, I take it back. I love reading…) Everything related to the world of denial can make my clit throb. ‘On edge, edging, riding, moan, rubbing, toothpaste, deny, no, please, task, sir, yes….’ Just to list a few. And my clit just throbbed as I was typing these in.

Fifth, all the fucking confusion. I’m confused, my body is confused. I’m horny. Horny for being touched, horny for being abandoned. I want to edge my self constantly to be on the tipping point to get the high. Then I realized, no touching makes my even hornier and mentally fucked and on the edge of tipping over. I don’t know if I should touch myself or not anymore. I’m just horny-stupefied and in denial confusion for a week now and it’s not getting clear. I find myself the other day before getting to bed with my hand hovering my pussy. I’m aroused and wet already without touching and forcing my self to not touch my clit almost made my cum right there and then….

I’m wet from just writing this. And my clit has been throbbing since I’m wrote about the ‘fourth…’. My heart rate is higer and I’m blushing….