— 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐛。[ 2:45 am. ]

hey. it's me.

i, uh… i know you're sleeping. that's good. i hope it's good. i hope it's peaceful, like you deserve..like the world doesn't have it's claws in someone for once.

i'm still awake. been pacing a little. thought if i sat still long enough it would go away, this feeling in my chest like something's breaking loose, like i left a part of me somewhere and i can't seem to figure out how to get it back. it's stupid. you're not even far. but gods, it feels like miles.. like you're on the other side of the world and i'm talking into a void.

i don't know why it scares me this much. missing you. maybe because it's the first thing that's felt real in a long time. i keep thinking.. what if you don't come back? not because you wouldn't, just… what if something happens? what if i don't get to see you smile again.. or hear you tell me i'm being ridiculous, or fall asleep with your fingers brushing mine like it's nothing?

it's not nothing. you're not nothing. you're everything i was too scared to want until now. and i.. i can't lose you. not even the idea of you. please come back. please be okay. please let me have one more day of this. of you.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐳𝐚𝐲𝐧𝐞。[ 5:15 am. ]

you're not gonna hear this. you're gonna delete it. or worse, you might listen to it. you always listen, don't you?

i keep checking the door like an idiot. like you're gonna walk through it and say some sarcastic shit to keep me from falling apart.

i miss you. it's pathetic. i miss the way you shove me when i'm being dramatic. the way you look at me like i'm not someone you chose by mistake. like i could be worth staying for.

i didn't think i could miss someone this bad without losing parts of myself. i feel like i'm unraveling. my skin doesn't fit without your hands on me to remind me i'm still here. you keep me here. do you even know that? you breathe and i believe in tomorrow will still arrive.

you make it safe to hope and that terrifies me. if something happens.. if you don't come back.. just… remember i meant it. every word. every touch. i don't say things i don't mean, and you.. you're the one thing i meant more than anything. don't make me learn how to breathe without you. please.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐬𝐲𝐥𝐮𝐬。[ 1:24 am. ]

you didn't answer…good. just listen.

i'm pacing. again. third night in a row. thought i'd break the habit, but no, still here. still in the same goddamn chair, staring at the same cracks in the wall and wondering if you're warm enough. if you remembered to eat, if you thought of me. how often do you think of me..?

i miss you in ways i can't say out loud when the lights are on. i miss you like hunger, like pain, like fucking worship. you ruined me. do you get that? you came into my life and ripped it open and now nothing fits without you. i sleep on your side of the bed. i drink from your mug.

i still fold your laundry like you'll walk in and roll your eyes at me for doing it wrong, because i always do. you know i do that on purpose, right?

i keep hearing your voice. not in the way people say, like 'oh, i miss the sound'. i mean i hear you. in the emptiness. in my head, narrating my thoughts. in the spaces between songs where silence should be. you echo in me.

if i lose you, i don't come back from it. don't make me live like that. please. come home.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐥。[ 3:52 am. ]

it's late.

i tried to write. i tried to paint. i tried to drink tea and read the book you left on the nightstand, the one with the folded corner and your ugly sticky notes.. but none of it worked. because none of it has you.

i miss you like a tide misses the moon. how a heart misses rhythm. i ache with it. the world is too still without your laughter, too sharp without your softness.. and i'm scared, love.

i'm scared i'll forget the exact way you feel under my hands or the pattern of your breath in sleep.. the way you say my name like you mean it.

i would tear open the sky to find you again. i would burn down every beautiful thing if it meant hearing you hum off key in the morning.

i don't care if it's selfish. i want you. i need you. come back. please.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐱𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐫。[ 10:03 pm. ]

hey.

you ever notice how empty a place is when the person you love isn't in it? i didn't. not until tonight. not until i walked into the apartment and didn't hear you muttering about something.

i didn't see your shoes kicked somewhere on the floor.. or feel your arms wrap around me before i could even hang my coat.

it's quiet. too quiet. like the world's trying to teach me what it would be like if i lost you. and i can't.. i don't want to live in a world where your laugh is past tense. where the warmth in your pillowcase fades and never comes back.

i can't kiss your forehead and tell you you're enough.. even when you don't believe it. especially when you don't believe it.

So, of course he noticed immediately that you now rest your head against his chest whenever you’re hugging him goodbye.

He couldn’t figure out what had changed at first – cataloguing it as one of the many new pieces of you for him to add to his codex. One more page for him to pore over like his very own holy text.

It wasn’t until recently, when you were saying goodbye after a long weekend in Skyhaven that he noticed the tiny taps of your fingers against his back as you hugged him. The action seemed subconscious. Someone who wasn’t so deeply attuned to everything about you may not have even registered it. The taps were steady and specific, almost familiar in a way that was difficult to place.

They were mimicking the beats of his heart. 

He looked down at you, your cheek and ear pressed firmly into his chest and just slightly to the left, eyes fluttered shut in concentration. As if trying to memorize the rhythm. Reminding yourself it was there.

Something painful and yearning threatened to whine its way out of him. His jaw clenched with the effort to hold it down.

He knew it wouldn’t be easy for you after he died. He had been so worried about all the little things he had done for you burdening you after he was gone. Phone calls to insurance companies you’d have to handle now. Documents and bills you’d have to take care of.  Fruit you would have to cut for yourself. Would you even bother cutting your apples into little animals before you ate them? Would you miss it? Would you find someone else to take care of you?

 He was sure you would grieve. Feel the ache of his loss like a carpenter losing his favorite tool. Be forced to relearn how to navigate the world without him there to carve out a gentler path for you. 

It had never occurred to him that you would just miss him. 

Find what’s broken. Fix the problem. Promise to sort the rest out later. Forget that promise while you’re crash landing again. 

Caleb lived his life mechanically. He knew how to be a good tool – the only tool you’d need. It was how he guaranteed you’d let him stick by your side. He didn’t bother looking inwards, examining the chaotic, nebulous mess that resided there. There was nothing worth salvaging in there. Nothing useful to you. 

If he could not be needed, he would be used. It never occurred to him that he might simply just be wanted. 

“No need to bother listenin’ to that, Pips,” he couldn’t stop himself from mumbling out, trying for teasing but instead coming out strained, “Your Caleb’s in working condition. No maintenance necessary.”

You didn’t smile.

“Remember when I threw my backpack at the wall and your entire shelf of model planes crashed on the ground?”

He looked at you in confusion but couldn’t stop the amused smile that pulled at his lips. You had cried for hours after that particular incident. Cried even harder when he had just ruffled your hair and thanked you for taking them apart because he’d been meaning to build them again anyways. 

“And when I hid your permission slip for your class field trip to the zoo because I was scared of taking the train to school alone? Or when you had to stay after school for hours longer than everyone else for an entire basketball season to practice because I crashed into our basketball hoop when you were teaching me how to drive? Or when I tried to do your laundry for once and you had to wear a pink dress shirt to school for a whole semester?”

“Pips,” the memories brought an endeared laugh out of him rather than annoyance, “what are you-,”

“You loved me anyways, didn’t you? Even though I sometimes made your life harder. You loved me just because I existed?”

The question was almost incomprehensible  to him. How could he ever feel anything besides love for you? Didn’t you know how much you mattered to him? Didn’t you know you were the only thing that mattered?

“Of course,” his voice was hoarse as he tried to make you understand.

Your eyes closed again. Your ear returned to rest against his heart once more. Your fingers resumed their gentle tapping.

“So then how come you’re the only one who gets to?”

Your hunting partner excelled in many ways. His skill in the field was both undeniable and terrifying, his ability to fall asleep anywhere concerned you as much as it impressed you, and his calm demeanor even in the face of the most stressful situations set your mind at ease whenever you fought alongside him.

The only area he truly lacked in, in your humble opinion, was in his ability to give a straight answer about anything to do with himself or his personal life.

He was, in many ways, a vault of information for everything from the history of wanderers to arbitrary and niche subjects that a normal person would have had to spend a lifetime studying to be able to reference as easily as him. If you had a question about nearly any subject, your walking encyclopedia of a partner likely had the answer ready to deliver to you accompanied by a yawn and that sleepy blink of his eyes. 

Answers about himself, however, were much harder to come by. He never declined your inquiries outright, but he had a litany of creative and mildly infuriating ways to dodge the question. He was very adept at distracting you, often with food or confusing questions of his own. You once asked him what he did over the weekend and he pulled a bag of your favorite candy out of his pocket to offer to you, waited until you started munching on it happily, and then just said “and what about you?” as if he had already answered your question. You were also highly suspicious about the timing of his naps on the train to get to missions – always falling asleep right after you try making small talk about where he grew up or his family. 

It's not like you didn’t want to respect his boundaries. He was probably just a very private person or a secret criminal and either way it was ultimately none of your business. It’s just that it was a little difficult to jump into battle alongside another person on a daily basis and trust them to have your back when you couldn’t even get him to tell you about his hobbies. Nothing to do with the way your heart sped up a little seeing him at his desk in the mornings at all. Completely sensible and utilitarian curiosity.

So, rather than continuing to pester him for answers you decided you would simply observe him to get to know him better. Admittedly, as far as subjects for study he was an interesting one. And very nice to look at.

You learned quite a bit about the sleepy man through your observations, jotting down everything you learned in a small, unassuming notebook you kept on hand during work hours. 

For example, he spends an hour in the break room every day eating concerning amounts of convenience store ramen and reading random books about obscure subjects like 101 Facts About Wooly Mammoths and Dating Advice for Older Men. Always a different book, and he always manages to finish it by the time his self-imposed break is over. If anyone tries to make conversation with him during that time period, he will pretend to fall asleep. You’re honestly starting to believe he has narcolepsy or something. Or just very selective hearing.

Contrary to your initial assumptions, he also does have a sense of humor. All of his jokes are told with his usual flat affectation and could easily be mistaken for serious comments, but once you start to look so closely at him it’s easier to pick up on the subtle, teasing drawl at the end of his quips or the way his nose twitches a little with the effort not to smile when he’s messing with you. 

You were in the middle of conducting a very serious investigation about his various micro expressions one night when the two of you stopped by a crepe stand on your way home from work. 

You had already been to the crepe stand a few times a few times with Tara. It was a cute little business run by an older man and his son who had recently graduated from university. You had rambled to Xavier enthusiastically about how they were the only place that had your favorite combination of fillings and how you were craving something sweet, and he had only nodded and said “mh”, which you had learned to translate as enthusiastic agreement.

The owner’s son happened to be running the stand that day and was just as friendly and outgoing with you as always, winking at you when he asked if you wanted your usual. His easygoing smile had faded, however, with a quick glance behind you before he busied himself with making your crepe.

You turned around in confusion, only finding Xavier with the same mild, spaced out expression as always looking innocently off to the side. 

A few minutes later, you dutifully hand over a delicious looking savory crepe filled with meat to the silver-haired man before looking over your own, practically salivating over the combination of fruits and cream. He stared it with what you had recently identified as confusion before looking to you imploringly.

“Not sweet?”

“Oh!” you flustered a little, realizing how presumptuous you had been in ordering for him, “Sorry, I just thought- you prefer savory to sweet right? I mean, when Jenna brings pastries in you always take a croissant instead of a donut-,”

You cut yourself off before you could start listing all the different ways you had been a total creep recently.

“I can get you a sweet one if you prefer,” you whispered out, trying your best to look completely unaffected.

A soft huff left Xavier’s lips, and you looked up to see that gentle half-smile he sometimes gave you and a very soft look in his eyes.

“It’s fine,” he assured you, “I do prefer savory things.”

The second half of his sentence, oddly enough, was accompanied by a very smug glance at the owner’s son who looked rightfully confused and possibly a little nervous.

Armed with your contrasting crepes, the two of you chose to stroll and eat, enjoying the gentle spring breeze that blanketed the evening as you walked. Absentmindedly, you mentioned the owner’s son again in passing, praising him for his skill in creating the perfect ratio of fillings. Xavier suddenly made a face you hadn’t seen on him before.

A tiny twitch of his nose, similar to when he was trying not to laugh, but followed by a miniscule pout before he took a rather aggressive bite of his crepe as if it had done something to offend him personally.

Your fingers twitched with the urge to whip out your little notebook to record this breaking update in your investigation but refrained for the meantime, tilting your head to the side and studying him closely.

“Is something wrong with your crepe…?” 

He froze, glancing down at his food contemplatively.

“…Yes.”

“Yes?”

“I’m done,” he declared bluntly, turning to glare at your almost finished crepe with equal hostility, “Are you done?”

“I mean- I guess?” You blinked at him.

“Mh.”

Wordlessly, he took your crepe from you and ambled off to find a nearby trashcan. You took the opportunity to whip out your notebook to catalogue all the new data you had collected. 

The nose twitch was multipurpose – sometimes indicating amusement and sometimes indicating… irritation? And the tiny pout. Did he have a stomachache? More information was needed.

You were so wrapped up your excited theorizing that you failed to notice the presence of someone coming up right behind you, peering over your shoulder to read the words you were jotting down.

“I don’t have a stomachache,” a deep voice rumbled directly in your ear, causing you to shriek and fling the notebook further down the sidewalk. It scraped against the concrete before flopping pathetically next to a storm drain. 

You whipped around in abject horror only to find Xavier’s face two inches from yours, looking at you with an unreadable expression. 

“That was not at all what it looked like,” you lied blatantly, eyes darting between him and the notebook.

“What did it look like?” he asked mildly, his face betraying nothing of his current mood. He was still close enough to you that you could count all of his individual lashes and make out a few tiny scars along his jaw.  

“I’m not stalking you.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not.”

“Mh.”

Xavier didn’t press the subject, instead going over to retrieve the notebook. Mortification rolled over your entire being as he began rifling through the pages. You wished a car was driving by so you could throw yourself in front of it.

“It’s seriously not as creepy as it seems,” you sound delusional even to yourself, “I just wanted to get to know you better.”

While you were panicking and wondering how soon you could transfer departments, Xavier was staring down at the pages filled with your cute handwriting in contemplation.

It would seem that he had underestimated you once again. 

Finding you in this lifetime, as a dying star well past its expiration date, he hadn’t been expecting much in the way of your relationship with him. It was simply an impulse he could not ignore – the honor of being close to you. He sought out your brilliance and would always endeavor to orbit around you but it was hardly even a thought in his brain that you would be drawn to him in the same way. Not when he was so tired. Not when he could only offer you a beautiful afterimage of what he had once been.

He should not have doubted you. In every life, you were always the only one to really see him. The only one to even bother looking beyond his blinding light. After so many years of existence and so many different identities, he only ever really saw himself through the reflection of your gaze. He was a fool to have assumed your soul would falter even if he was scattered across the galaxy instead of whole as he once was. 

“Forgive me,” his voice was hoarser than his usually airy cadence, his gaze more focused than you were used to when he looked over at you.

Confusing as it may have been, you didn’t need your notebook to identify his current expression. When Xavier finally looked back at you, the way you had been looking at him all these weeks, it was impossible to mistake the devotion in his eyes.

Rafayel turned the conch shell over in his hands, letting out a thoughtful hum as he let his fingers dance across the spikes. The outside was a gradient of pretty blues that melted into a soft pink closer to the center. A small sticker with a price that had been hastily covered up with marker stuck to the side. The artist’s eye twitched minutely at the sight of it clashing against the otherwise pleasant color palette, already using a sharp nail to carefully peel it off.

“Isn’t it pretty?” you gushed a little, a self-satisfied grin tugging at your lips as you pointed at the shell as though couldn’t see it, “If you put your ear against it, you can hear the ocean!”

He let out a petulant scoff at this, eyes narrowing at the conch shell like it was guilty of scamming you and he was about to put it on trial.

“It’s lying to you, cutie,” he scowled a bit, as though the conch had advertised this gimmick itself, before pointing dramatically at the waves crashing right outside the glass of his windows, “and did you lose your vision or something? The ocean’s right outside if you want to listen to it so bad. …Maybe if you visited me more often you’d-,”

“No, shut up, I know,” you rolled your eyes and nudged him a little before brightening again, “but still – it really sounds like waves! Besides, I thought you could take it with you when you go on your trip for that client meeting. I looked it up. There aren’t any beaches nearby, the whole city is landlocked. I figured you might get homesick or something. Now you don’t have to!”

Rafayel stared at you. Things had been strange the whole morning, starting from when you showed up at his doorstep lacking any of your usual complaints about his antics and without any coercing on his part. 

You had come to visit him of your own accord? You had looked up the geography of his business trip because you were worried about him getting homesick? He mentally scanned through all the elaborate schemes to get your attention he had acted out recently, wondering which one of them had prompted such a reaction from you. He had been so busy with a new series for a very annoying client the past few weeks and he couldn’t think of anything he had done recently that would have warranted this. So why?

“Besides, it kinda looks like your eyes, right?” You said off-handedly, only half paying attention as you adjusted a setting on your watch, casual as if you hadn’t just said something that made his already rapid heartrate speed into overdrive and the tips of his ears flush a pretty red.

Just when he thought he was starting to get a handle on this version of you, that he had figured out the proper tune to draw you closer, you decided to change the rules of the game again. He supposed he should have been used to it by now. Every version of you always managed to shatter his expectations as easily as you breathed. As unpredictable as the ocean, and just as beautiful to him. But honestly, what was a fish to do? How was he supposed to ever prepare for you?

“Are you trying to win employee of the month or something?” he scrambled a little, whipping his head to the side and trying to keep the squeakiness out of his voice, “I won’t be giving you a bonus for it. Just so you know.”

You scowled at this, glancing away from your watch and trying to swipe the conch shell out of his hands.

“Whatever. If you don’t want it just say that,” you huffed as he held it out of your reach, still without looking at you.

“Be quiet,” he sniffed haughtily, holding the shell up to his ear and pushing you away gently by your forehead with his other hand, “I’m listening to the ocean.”

“I thought you said-”

Insufferably, he hushed you and closed his eyes under the guise of concentrating so you wouldn’t see the softness of his expression. All he could hear was random ambient sound, not even close to the vibrant complexities of the sea that encompassed his birthplace. Even still, as he pictured you carefully rummaging through different shells at the pier market and comparing their hues to his eyes, he had never felt closer to home. 

As much as he'd like to pretend he was the siren ensnaring you into his trap, he was well aware that that honor belonged to you. Regardless of the time or the place or the bodies you both inhabited, your song was a tune that could never be erased from the core of his being and one he would always walk towards willingly. How annoying.

For a man who lived his life with complete precision, who planned out every day with strict control and little room for superfluities, it was nearly impossible not to notice even the slightest changes in routine.

As such, every tiny alteration you made to his otherwise balanced life was meticulously documented and filed away. Not with annoyance or disapproval, as some might expect, but instead with the intention to figure out how to best accommodate for your whims without disrupting his own routines or, infinitely more abhorrent to consider, burdening your own carefree sensibility with his neuroses.

Pausing in the doorway to straighten out the shoes you had haphazardly kicked off on your way in. Making sure you had a glass of water next to your daily iced coffee so that you wouldn’t get dehydrated. Carefully holding onto your hand and keeping you steady as you insisted on walking across the side of a bridge rather than the sidewalk next to him. Despite the stoic expression and steadfast seriousness he exhibited while preforming these simple tasks for you, he did not consider them to be a burden. It was a privilege to bear witness the vivacity you brought into his world.

He was content, in this way, to watch you bulldoze through life with reckless abandon and dutifully reorganize the chaos you left in your wake. It was enough to feel the brilliance of your warm light soak into his cold skin. He would remain steady and controlled for the both of you.

You were, however, a little less content with this arrangement. Zayne was steady. Constant. A stone pillar for you to rest against when you couldn’t handle standing up on your own. You loved this about him, but he wasn’t infallible. Wasn’t impervious to desire and indulgence. You loved this about him too. You just wished he could learn to love it about himself.

You knew your boyfriend loved sweet things. It was something you often teased him about, mostly joking in every respect besides the potential cavities. To be honest, you found it endearing and loved to see evidence of the gentle, sweet man hidden beneath his frosty exterior. 

The only thing that really concerned you about the doctor’s habit was that despite his propensity for baked goods and sugary candy, he didn’t actually seem to enjoy the process of eating them very much at all.

It was often during times of stress that he’d make a detour by the local bakery after a long shift. He would eat pastries as quickly as possible, a stark contrast from his usual habits that left little time for savoring the flavor. It almost seemed like an uncontrollable urge, a shameful impulse that he wanted to push through as quickly as possible. As utilitarian as one could be while digging into a strawberry shortcake. 

Zayne was a tempered man, driven by the ideology that if he lost even an ounce of control, he wouldn’t be able to stop the spiral. He wasn’t someone who could integrate indulgence into his routine halfheartedly. There was no true enjoyment to be found from acquiescing to his desire, only a temporary slip that would be accompanied by unfulfilled resolutions to abstain in the future.

You disagreed.

The two of you had a nice, cozy dinner together every Friday after work. Usually consisting of takeout, often delayed due to both of your hectic schedules, and sometimes taking place on the uncomfortable wooden benches outside the hospital but you always made it happen without fail. 

One night after a good meal with lighthearted conversation about your respective days, you retreated to Zayne’s fridge and returned with a miniature cake and an excited smile.

Zayne stared. It was a pretty cake, artfully piped cream and strawberries between layers of sponge cake with a delicate dusting of powdered sugar on top. His brow twitched minutely, mentally scanning through significant dates or anomalous recent events that could have prompted such an extravagance as you carefully removed it from the plastic bakery box. 

“…What’s the occasion?” he finally asked with great reluctance, disappointed by his own inability to decipher what he was missing.

“Hm?” you blinked, setting out two dessert forks and keeping your countenance deliberately casual, “No occasion, it just looked good.”

He stared at the cake as if it held all the world’s secrets.

“Did something happen today?” he pressed on, carefully assessing your mental state as if expecting you to suddenly have a mental breakdown.

“I had a craving for cake, that’s what happened,” you shrugged, not waiting for him before digging your fork into the side of dessert.

He watched as you savored your bite of cake with simple contentedness, no hint of stress or shame about the enjoyment you took from a useless indulgence. Not giving in to any kind of uncontrollable urge or distracting from any kind of emotional need. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

“You aren’t going to make me eat this whole thing by myself, are you?” you pouted playfully at him, making the puppy dog expression that always got you an exasperated huff followed by the immediate entertainment of whatever you asked for, “It doesn’t taste as good if we aren’t both enjoying it.”

Zayne, as always, weighed out his options out. If it was for you, maybe it was okay. As always.

He picked up the fork and took a slow bite.

After that night you had decided this was now an inherent part of your weekly routine, showing up with brightly colored macarons, beautifully decorated tarts, and decadent chocolate creations depending on what caught your eye at the bakery. You started calling it your ‘mandatory sweet treat’ and continued the tradition without fail. Always eaten in tandem with a balanced meal and shared slowly over happy conversation. A celebration of your bond rather than a shameful impulse. 

Zayne continued to tell himself that he was just playing along with your whims as usual. After all, how could it be wrong when you smiled so sweetly at him as you handed him his fork? 

It wasn’t until one week, when you stumbled into his house flustered after an unusually difficult mission and no time to stop by the bakery before closing that he finally had to admit his own enjoyment for the activity.

There was a brief silence after dinner was finished that week. He stared at the cleared table as if expecting something delicious to appear out of thin air. When it didn’t, he cleared his throat and clasped his fingers together on the table with his usual sense of decorum. 

“…No sweet treat today?” he asked ruefully.

You couldn’t contain your grin, whipping out your phone immediately to scroll through bakeries and ice cream parlors that stayed open late for sugar fiends like your adorable boyfriend.

Something had shifted recently. A tiny change in your dynamic that pricked ever so slightly at the center of his chest. Like everything else with you in this new lifetime, he tried his best not to sink his teeth into it and drag it forcefully out into the open. Used all his self-control to let you tend to it on your own terms and pretended not to notice. 

In hindsight, maybe the first change had been after he showered in your apartment for the first time. He had taken a polite amount of your body wash, trying his best not to infringe on your hospitality like a normal, human house guest, but as the scent of it (the scent of you) rolled over him his pupils had dilated. Fingers clenching against the bottle with the minute tingle of claws that no longer existed trying to come to the surface.

Smelling like you, knowing if anyone else walked by they would associate him with you and you with him, fed that deeply hidden instinct he tried so hard not to bother you with. You had scarcely gotten over your disgustand he was going to do his very best to keep it that way, annoying and primal dragon brain be damned. 

But still, just this once. Just this little thing would be okay, right?

Before he knew it he was drenching himself in the scent. Indulgent and greedy and marked by you. 

When he confessed nonchalantly to having used your entire bottle of body wash, playing it off as a taunt and hoping you didn’t notice the faint flush of his cheeks, he expected your usual annoyance or scathing remark. Some sort of sly dig that he could latch onto and use to keep your attention on him. It was the game this version of you liked to play, and like every version of himself he was happy to indulge. 

Instead, you had just hummed thoughtfully. Eyes a little distant as though ruminating over something in your head. The switch up made him tense just a little. Wonder if you could see through to the most feral part of him and if you would scorn him for it.

“You’ll have to give me a bottle of yours, then,” you said instead, eye contact oddly intentional for the moment, “to make it even.”

He almost jolted in place, clenching his fists at his sides for just a moment before relaxing.

She doesn’t know what it means. How could she? Swallow it down. Keep pretending that you can be human.

“Your negotiation skills have improved, kitten,” he speaks mildly, instead of pinning you to the couch the way he wanted to, “I suppose fair is fair.”

The second shift came in the form of a necklace, elaborately encrusted with bloodred rubies and sparkling diamonds. It rested in its glass case at an underground auction, the gleam of it against black velvet activating that familiar desire to possess and hoard away treasures so that nobody else could have them. He pictured it laying delicately across your neck and had to stop the rumble that threatened to emit from his chest. 

He sprung it on you right before an undercover mission to gain intel about a powerful protocore, one of many he had sought out and curated to spend a little more time with you. Tried to feed you some line about how you needed to fit in with the wealthy crowd you were attempting to infiltrate that night.

He expected you to remark about the exorbitant tastes of the uber rich or fluster about the idea of accidentally damaging such an expensive item and try to force it back into his hands. Both reactions were equally endearing to him, as was everything about you.

Instead, you only looked at him with that same thoughtful expression, allowing him to gently drape it over you and fasten it while narrowly avoiding the urge to take a deep inhale of the back of your neck. 

You examined yourself in the mirror, fiddling with the stones delicately, but your gaze was on his reflection behind you when you spoke.

“It’s pretty,” you spoke simply, your tone of voice one he hadn’t heard from you before. Something more gentle, not quite complacent but almost approving.

As if you were praising his tastes. Praising his hoard. Accepting his courting gift.

It was more difficult than ever to swallow that rumble back down again. The reaction was new, but you couldn’t possibly have understood the delusions you were feeding. Stay human. Keep letting her come to you. You already used up all your luck the first time around, you have to be more careful now.

His eyes scarcely left your neck for the rest of the night.

It wasn’t until days later that the final thread of his self-control snapped. The intel mission had taken longer than expected, and you were staying in his house to avoid the tedious commute from Linkon. A practical solution, he insisted to both you and himself, nothing to do with the primal desire to keep you firmly in his territory. 

He could scarcely pinpoint how it had happened, but sometime during your quiet evening routine of reading next to each other on the giant, plush couch in his living room you had ended up curled between the couch’s arm and him. You weren’t pinned down by any means, but you were entirely engulfed by his larger frame. If someone were to walk by they would not even be able to see you beyond him.

Completely covered on all sides. Protected from threats. Guarded by him. Nothing could touch you tucked so deeply into his territory, surrounded by him and his hoard and completely at ease.

Despite his most sincere efforts, he couldn’t stop the rumble from finally emitting from his chest. Couldn’t stop the deep purr that vibrated throughout him and rolled over you. 

He froze. Cut himself off from making any noise and, for a moment, even breathing. It was with great hesitation that he forced himself to meet your gaze. Fearful of the disgust and reproach that clouded your first meeting in this lifetime making a reappearance as you finally recognized the part of himself, he tried to keep buried for you.

Instead, that curious expression scanned over his face. Your head tilted to the side just a bit. Tentatively, you reached for his hair from where he was resting against your side and began running delicate fingers through it. His breath hitched. You glanced away from him, returning to your book but keeping up your gentle ministrations.

His purring started up again. A tiny smile twitched at the corners of your lips.

Caleb dutifully held the umbrella above your head as though he was getting paid for it, but you caught his gaze drifting to the puddles collecting near the sidewalk multiple times. Your mind drifted to rainy summer days when you were kids, sloshing around in puddles and competing to see who could slosh the most water at the other before Gran would poke her head out the front door to scold you both inside. Something twisted in your chest. Without thinking much further about it, you ducked out beneath the umbrella and took a flying leap into the nearest puddle, delighting in the small splash kicked up by your boots. 

“You trying to catch a cold, Pips?” Caleb’s tone was shrouded in playfulness, the way it always was around you, but underneath it was a brief waver, a sharpening of his gaze that revealed the true panic he felt at even the possibility of harm befalling you under his watch.

 The hypervigilance that couldn’t differentiate between a mild sickness and the sight of your battered, tiny body strapped to a white table. 

“So what if I do?” you challenged him then, hopping to an adjacent puddle and trying to keep the intention out of your voice. He flinched, as if you had just said something absurd. Opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again before trying to adjust to something more casual. Teasing and relaxed instead of the phrenetic and overbearing mess he tried so hard to hide from you.

“If you get sick you’ll have to skip the congressman’s dinner, and I’ll have to go alone. You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?” 

Right. An annual, stuffy dinner party where a bunch of government officials got together to talk about boring politics and pretend it was necessary to use four different forks for one meal. Half of them actively held grudges against Caleb for his unprecedented skyrocket to authority within the fleet and the other half thought he could be manipulated into granting them favors because of his youth. None of them deserved his time, you thought petulantly, not in the way you did. 

“So come get a cold with me,” you rebutted, tilting your head to the side playfully, “Then we can just stay home and play video games all day instead.” 

Caleb paused at this. You could practically see the cogs whirring in his brain as he tried to reconcile his pathological need for your safety with the temptation of staying inside with you all day, just the two of you, maybe curled up together on the couch as you ate snacks he would carefully prepare for you as he nurses you back to health, maybe sick with the same germs. His head tilted to the side like a puppy who had just heard the words walk, treat, and good boy in succession. 

 “…I bet we could even knock out a whole Lego set before we get better,” you sweetened the deal. 

Caleb practically flung the umbrella onto the sidewalk at this, giving no warning before launching himself into the puddle next to you and causing a significantly larger splash. You shrieked in both offense and thrill and splashed him back, reveling in the delighted laugh the usually curated man let out. The grin on his face was a little more crooked and uncontrolled than his usual teasing smile, the shrewd look in his eyes when he looked anywhere besides you just the tiniest bit lighter. It wasn’t a lot, but you were grateful for any amount of levity you could offer to him. Listening to the sound of his unrestrained laughter, something in you settled just a bit. 

For all his intelligence and capability, Caleb’s perception of himself was skewed by his self-imposed reluctance to ever look in the mirror. Caleb believed he was a feral wolf, with teeth too sharp to be filed down and starved by his trauma in a way that meant he’d never feel full again. So instead, he tried his best to show you a puppy. Docile and obedient without any appetite for vengeance or destruction. Someone who could curl up at your feet without you getting scared he’d sink his teeth into you the way he wanted to. You were the only one that knew he was neither.

Caleb was not the perfect, golden boy he spent so much of his life curating for you. He also wasn’t the cold, unfeeling weapon of destruction he desperately tried to hide away from your sight. He was something in between, childlike in his rage and his joy in equal measure. Calculating, certainly, and more than a little manipulative, but the end goal had always been to protect the both of you from a world that had never been as kind as he deserved. Caleb was not a monster, as he thought, or a perfect shield, as he so desperately wanted you to think. He was just a man, and once just a very scared boy. Just yours. And you would spend the rest of your life trying to prove that to him.

i'm thinking of a lot of specific scenes here but it'll get excessive so i'll just pick selectively. i can't put screenshots because... i'm lazy and i just wanna yap.

mc puts the toring chip in herself because she knows it'll hurt him deeply (liam literally says that caleb will do anything to get it out).

the ensnare line you can get with caleb in the regular cafe interaction, i've literally never had this interaction but i saw a tweet and i'm just gonna lock in and go off of memory: but essentially, he asks if you saw a butterfly would you ensnare it or let it fly freely. if you say ensnare it he asks, if that answer is fine if it loses its will to live.

there's also another interaction i can't really remember because i think i'm in a fugue state, but basically he asks if it's ok if he ensnares you and you say "yes" and he laughs and asks if it's because it's him, that you're ok with being trapped.

Current Timeline

The current timeline where the main story of LAD takes place is set in the year 2048 in a place called Linkon City. We are told that the Deepspace Tunnel opened 14 years prior and that is when wanderers started invading earth. There is a lack of understanding about why this has happened, and it has sparked an interest in space exploration in the hopes of finding a solution.

The hunters association is sort of like an adventurers guild? It's supervised by the government, and is sort of split between Hunters like MC and researchers attempting to understand what makes the wanderers tick.

This includes researching protocores, currently the only thing the hunter's association knows for sure is that they contain a great deal of energy, and that they can cause disease in humans based off of which category the protocore falls into. This is confirmed to be what is wrong with MC.

It is also mentioned that protocore energy is used for lots of things, in technology I assume. This will be important later so keep it in mind.

The "arctic" that chapter 5 is set in appears to be referring to the Northern arctic circle. The in game "spacepedia" says there are lots of energy fluctuations (and therefore wanderer attacks) due to its close proximity to the earth's magnetic pole. The epicenter of these fluctuations appears to be Mt. Eternal, where most of the research institutions in the arctic are based.

There seem to be sort of "fixed points" that repeat themselves within Zayne and Rafayel's timelines, and a theme of MC forgetting things. The lyrics to the opening theme even say "Time goes by but memories rewind" and while Zayne doesn't say MC has forgotten anything to do with him specifically, she has forgotten something about both Xavier and Rafayel. For Rafayel, the thing she forgets also seems to be his "fixed point": he and MC always meet when they are younger. For Zayne, he always hurts someone with his evol at age 12.

While there are technically three versions of Zayne and two of them seem to be aware of each other: current/Dr. Zayne and Dawnbreaker Zayne. They both started dreaming of each other at 12. It is unclear if either version dreams about Forseer Zayne, or if he is aware of them, but all three versions of Zayne are fond of jasmine. I haven't made much progress with Zayne's myths card, but it is clear that this like has something to do with MC, just from the little bit I have been able to read.

Dr. Zayne dislikes talking about the incident when he was 12, simply telling his friend Will that he lost control of his evol and hurt someone. He refers to this someone as a friend, and I might be a smidge delusional... but I think that friend was probably MC. If she's forgotten about it, Dr. Zayne might see that as "for the best" and not wish to remind her of it.

It would also explain why Grandma trusted him with MC's care and those secret documents. He has gone very far out of his way to try and not be someone who hurts people, and is obsessed with working himself to the bone to save as many people as possible. Grandma might seem like a sweet old lady... but we know she has some questionable morals so I could see someone like her thinking that since Dr. Zayne feels like he owes MC he is a good choice to protect her since he won't betray her.

The Fragmented Dreams moment is typically pointed to when talking about Dr. Zayne and Dawnbreaker's dream connection, but after reading the Never Ending Winter anecdote I don't really think it is. Look at what the nightmare actually says:

I think this moment starts out with Dr. Zayne dreaming about MC coming to visit him at work and bring him lunch, but devolves into him dreaming about what he did when he was 12. Dr. Zayne's dreams of Dawnbreaker as depicted in the anecdote are almost always related to his mercy kills, he doesn't seem to see the finer details I'll get into when discussing Dawnbreaker's timeline. The anncedote makes me think that Dr. Zayne sees Dawnbreaker as a sort of manifestation of his fears for himself; he fears becoming a killer, he fears hurting people, the only things Dr. Zayne wants is to save lives. That wish applies to more people than just the MC, he genuinely enjoys being a doctor and is very popular with his patients.

Beyond Dr. Zayne seeing his friend turn into a wanderer and being forced to kill him, we don't know much about his relationship with his teacher or the arctic. We do know that he still visits the arctic from time to time to help Dr. Noah with his research, and we can only assume it has something to do with protocores. I think it might specifically have something to do with humans being transformed into wanderers, but that's wild speculation on my part.

Dawnbreaker Timeline

The concept of Dawnbreaker Zayne is introduced in the annecdote Still In Dark. It is set in an unknown time and place, but it is confirmed to not be Linkon as Dawnbreaker mentions wanting to visit there, but that it was destroyed a long time ago.

In this timeline in this unknown city, wanderer attacks are so common that people don't really leave their homes. Most menial jobs (such as staffing convenience stores) are done by robots and most people find their entertainment through VR.

It is known by the government of this unknown place that prolonged exposure to protocores and their energy transforms people into wanderers. These infected can then kill and infect other humans. When Dawnbreaker Zayne was 12 years old, he watched his adopted father transform into a wanderer and turn his mother. He used his evol to kill them both to save himself. This is also when he begins dreaming of Dr. Zayne, though he is much more interested in MC.

In the anecdote he is under investigation by the police as a suspected serial killer, as he has been mercy killing infected people as they transform so they can't turn more people. This includes children, which is what Dr. Zayne ends up dreaming of in Never Ending Winter.

The police officer investigating Dawnbreaker ends up learning about the infected, and destroys his investigative files after realizing his superiors know about these wanderers. He wishes Dawnbreaker Zayne luck in finding a solution before things get too far gone.

This anecdote does two very important things. First and foremost it confirms/introduces the concept that some wanderers used to be human, and that this transformation is caused by prolonged exposure to protocores. The second is that it suggests that MC is not a part of that world's timeline. Why is not clear, but Dawnbreaker doesn't know who she is, just that from what he can see in his dreams he wishes to be loved by her. I mentioned that Dr. Zayne hates Dawnbreaker, but it doesn't seem that Dawnbreaker hates him at all. He likes to watch medical dramas, and seems to genuinely want to be his other self even if he is aware that's impossible in his current reality.

Forseer Timleine

I haven't made much progress on this one, so we are going straight to bullet points on things I think are relevant.

Each of the myths cards take place in a world called Philos. It is unclear if this place is a planet, a country, or just a city as each Myths card seems to have a distinct cultural feel and history to it. I am leaning towards planet as Xavier is an alien and refers to earth as if he is foreign to it.

Xavier and MC also talk about how Philos is dying in his Myths card because of the wanderers, and that the wanderers will eventually leave Philos and make there way somewhere else.

It is a commonly liked head cannon that Dr. Zayne became a cardiologist because of MC's heart condition, and while that still might be true I think it might be a sort of residual desire to help her from his Forseer self, as MC breaks into his prison to try and cure her heart condition, which is slowly turning her into ice.

... forseer's MC is a little out there tbh. Kind of out of pocket and honestly I love that for her. If I was told I only had 3 years left to live my reaction wouldn't be to break into the Vatican to see if the Pope had any reliquaries that could prove my doctor wrong but I guess we all deal with grief differently.

I talked in the original timeline about the fact that all versions of Zayne like jasmine, but I am noting it here again as he agrees to not kill MC if she can convince his houseplant to bloom. Did I mention she broke into his house? Did I mention she did this practically claiming to be a government official? Of course Zayne is just going to shrug off her antics, even if he doesn't remember it he has seen worse.

My last sort of point I want to make here is that Xavier has a bit of throw away dialogue in battle asking whether or not something is "immortal or undying." Forseer Zayne refers to himself as undying, and has an issue with controlling his ice evol to the point it should be killing him, but isn't for some reason. It is also implied in MC's dialogue he is being used as a tool by Philos, which is something she can't stand. As for why this distinction is important, as of this point in time, I don't think Zayne is aware of his life as the Forseer because he is not immortal, unlike Rafayel or Xavier. When the Forseer dies, his memory of his life will go with him while Rafayel keeps his and Xavier- Well he just hasn't died yet.

Dr. Zayne and Dawnbreaker Zayne might be aware of each other because they still posses the same gift that the Forseeer (allegedly) does, or it might just be because of their connection to the MC, or because of the rift in spacetime above Linkon. It might even be a combination of all three. Whatever it is, it's a lot less complicated to understand than whatever the hell Rafayel has going on and makes me wonder how exactly all of these various timelines fit into place.

When I get more familiar with the rest of the lore I will make a very pretty diagram on my white board complete with color coding because this story has me in a chokehold for no good reason.

Final Thoughts

While I was thinking about all this, an idle thought came to mind that maybe the three current ROs sort of represent the past (Rafayel), the present (Zayne), and the future (Xavier) even though all three arguably have some sort of past with the MC in their Myths cards. The mystery fourth RO would then represent an alternate reality in my deluded mind, maybe a split timeline created by MC's current actions???