of snogs, snacks and other stories

Holmes what are you doing? What is this supposed to mean? He pulls back before anything happens, almost in a panic. I'm married he probably also says and then Holmes remarks bitterly on the betrayal this marriage was to him

Now Watson is rightfully angry, what is he saying, he gets up in his face, but ohno the memory of Holmes leaning in is still too present, he falters and blushes despite himself

and now Holmes kisses him, pulls him in and pushes his lips hard and desperate against Watson's, as if trying to make him see. And this time he responds, gives in, he doesn't quite know why, he was so worked up and angry moments ago but now it's all channeled into this kiss

Please, Holmes whispers into his mouth, and has Watson ever denied him?

It feels surreal, like a dream, it can't really be happening, them kissing, it's ridiculous, but...it is

Conscious of his every movement, of Holmes against him, still so eager in his desperation, Watson pulls him close, surrendering to whatever is happening

They both try not to think too hard about what they are doing as they undress and fall into bed together,

It is awkward, and as they move against each other it takes about 130 seconds until Holmes cums, choking, and he touches Watson clumsily with his hand until he, too, spills

And then they lie together, not speaking at all, not the whole night, and fall into an uneasy sleep

Holmes is not in the room when Watson wakes

Watson can't help but feel sorry, doesn't know how to address this, doesn't know what he's feeling, ignores it for now but maybe tonight...if he has the courage...he might confront him?

and then Reichenbach happens

And Watson stumbles into a grief so deep and hopeless and only further complicated by what transpired between them, there is not only loss but so much regret, a deep troubled uncertainty, and oh if only he had not left him alone...if only it had been different

and as he grieves him and tries to live on, he is plagued by what could have been, he reassesses and realizes......he could have loved him. he already loved him and there already was something there between them that he couldn't (did not want to?) see, but now that he acknowledged it – he could have loved him fully and deeply. Oh Holmes.....

and then Mary dies, too. and it's all over for Watson. There is no more joy or consolation in his life. he falls into an abyss so dark even his return from the war pales in comparison. the following year passes by in a desolate blur, just mechanic life

until he returns to him

And it gets better, so much better, but no less complicated at all, there is so much to work through between them

But for now they are both too joyful at their reunion, clumsy as it might be at times, they commit to each other anew, they rekindle, Watson moves back into 221B, and not once does what happened that night come up between them

Maybe it's better like this? They could be as they were.

But Watson is plagued, now, by his feelings, the knowledge of Holmes' feelings, the way he rejected him that night, the years he yearned for his presence, back alive and at his side so he could touch him, kiss him, do it right, do it again

Holmes meanwhile deeply regrets what happened not bc of what happened per se, but because he feels like he forced it on Watson, and as if Watson only indulged him out of a mixture of pity and obligation (ouch).

And Watson? It's true he was overwhelmed that night in more ways than one, but he could never bring himself to regret it, he has clung to the memory many lonely and sad night, has been, in an odd way retroactively thankful for it, only wished for another time, a chance to make a better memory

One night, months after Holmes' return, they are sitting by the fire together in quiet companionship, Holmes gets up and stretches and announces his withdrawal

Watson also gets up. Walks over to him. Holmes raises his brows

Watson says nothing, and when it dawns on Holmes what's about to happen Watson is already kissing him, a quiet and urgent kiss, leaning his head forward into him, not his body

And Holmes melts into the kiss like cotton candy into water

And when they break apart it is Holmes who speaks, but all he says is - Watson?

Do you not want this? Watson asks, half unsure and half hopeful

Of course, Holmes manages, but... He doesn't finish the sentence (he doesn't know what to say. Or can't say it. Or doesn't want to say anything that might stop Watson) so he kisses him, and Watson's strong arms sneak around him, pulling close without hesitation

And this time when they go to bed together they are lovers with purpose and intent and enough yearning energy to blow up all of London, it is slow and conscious, they're soaking it all up, it's a whole nonverbal feelings declaration (not saying they last much longer than last time tho)

And they hold and stroke each other afterwards, and Holmes falls asleep to Watson cradling him in his arms

And awakes to him screaming, waking from a terrible nightmare (guess what he was dreaming) and he holds him, feeling guilty and terrible

And as Watson regains consciousness and sees Holmes he just comes apart, starts sobbing into his shoulder, all the grief is too much to hold, and Holmes cries too, his chin pressing into the crown of Watson's head, but he cries silently and unmoving, his tears streaming down his face as Watson shakes in his arms

Watson confesses his love, then, whispering it into the crook of Holmes' neck, and Holmes kisses him

they hug and kiss and console and at some point Watson falls back asleep, Holmes watches over him until sleep takes him too, unbidden

He awakes to Watson's peaceful face in front of him

they wake up beside each other, and everything has changed, and at the same time nothing has changed at all. the day awaits, there are things to be done

their relationship, too, requires growth and the untangling of many delicate strands, it is not suddenly all simple, but there is a certainty now that they will face it all together, that their devotion will outlast even death, that the thing between them is mutual and they commit to growing into it together, this new kind of love

And Watson strokes Holmes' cheek, smiling sleepily, and in that moment they are both so so so happy