Aaron toby

I hope Cali and Leo are doing well too, I wish I could pet them again.

It's super cool that you got to go abroad, I hope that was a really great experience for you. I hope your job at the lab is going well if you're still there. I think it's really cool that you're a scientist. I've always been impressed by your work ethic and your passion and your knowledge on what you're passionate about. You're just a really cool person and I hope you know that.

I think about you often. You still hold a very special place in my heart, my best friend for years, my biggest supporter, such a genuine and good and kind person. I miss being your friend, i miss being goofballs together. You're a lot funnier than you give yourself credit for.

If we never talk again, I really really wish you all the best, you deserve it and I have so much faith in you.

And if we ever do, I look forward to it.

I'm still here because I know that people care about me. I know they want me in their lives, regardless of if I think they'd be better off without me in the long run. I'm here because I don't want them to go through the trauma of losing someone, and because I don't want anyone to go through the trauma of finding my body.

But where is left for me to go? I can work dead end jobs forever in theory, but the cost of living is only rising and my anxiety is only getting worse. I don't feel like I can function like I used to, my brain is failing me. I'm terrified every single day and I can't take it. I don't know what to do. Existing is the greatest thing in the world but also the hardest thing to do. I want everything to be over.

I want to see all the people I miss, I'm sick of having to miss them. I want to fix what I've done wrong and move on. I want my stomach to quit dropping multiple times a day. I want to feel rested and happy and alive, not empty and defeated and exhausted.

I want to be the fun happy guy I used to be. I want to have the energy to help people again. Now I'm so unwell I can't take care of my friends anymore. I'm just so tired every single day. There are so many things to live for but so many reasons to be afraid. So many things that make me miserable. I don't feel cut out for this world. I'm not strong enough for this.

I would have dragged z down with me and I know it. They have the support and the will to succeed. They have the passion to chase their dreams and live a good happy life.

I couldn't even work at Walmart for more than a day. I just shut down. I'm going nowhere and I know it. I'm weak and bogged down and I don't have the confidence to even try. Just like my father. It feels like my choice is either end it eventually or end up like him, and if that's the case then the choice is obvious.

I'm sorry, and I didn't mean for any of this. I couldn't stop panicking but I never stopped caring about you. Maybe we grew apart, maybe I started being a worse partner, I'm not sure. I have no idea what your opinion of me is now. I hope you feel that I'm not a bad person, but three years was a long time and I'm sure I did things that were bad that I never even realized. Just know that I really tried and that you always deserved all the good in the world. You're a really genuinely great person, you're so incredibly sweet and kind and I know you feel like the B friend but you were truly the most important person to me. I'll never forget everything you did for me, the ways you supported me even when I was a wreck.

I know I cut things off very suddenly, I just couldn't bear the thought of hesitating because you deserved to know how I was feeling as soon as I did. It was naive of me to think we could just continue as friends, because of course that would hurt. It hurt me too, but I didn't want to think we wouldn't speak again. I'm sorry for the hurt that caused. You didn't deserve to be left in the dust like that.

I still hold you dear, and I hope that you have found some happiness, some people you feel like you belong with, and peace with yourself. You've always been loved by so many, but I know it's hard to feel that way sometimes. I hope you feel that now. And if you ever need anything, I am still here for you.

I hope you think of me still as your friend,

I hope you love yourself, your body and heart

I used to be so happy and so uncaring about what others thought of me. My anxiety has gotten worse and worse over the years and I've gone from the always happy goofball wearing a squid hat in class and yelling with my friends at recess to a dysfunctional adult who acts like a hermit and avoids his closest friends even though he lives with some of them. I haven't been happy beyond a short moment in months or maybe even years and I can't imagine it anymore. I'm always sad, I always feel like I'm doing something wrong, I feel guilty for existing. Like I'm an inconvenience by taking up any space in people's lives. I'm always angry at myself for being the way I am. For being overweight, for being unable to drive out of fear, for seemingly never being able to do anything right.

The worst part is I have almost everything I've ever wanted. I live with my friends, in a house, with 5 cats. All of us are queer and 5 out of 6 of us are transmasc. I've been on testosterone for 6.5 years. I've had top surgery. I finally made it out of my house, my dad left and I haven't seen him in a year and half. I'm studying art and I've been making more art than ever.

But the truth is, I don't care about my classes. I don't care about my body because I'm still just getting more and more heavy by the month. There are no exciting changes from transitioning anymore, but I'm not happy with my body anyway. I feel like an annoyance, an inconvenience, a burden. I can't function and I drag everyone who loves me down with me. I'm charming and charismatic and make friends so easily just to burden them with my horrible mental and physical health, lack of ability to drive, and lack of energy to even spend time with people most of the time. I thought I'd get out of that house and I'd have the room to find myself and be happy, but I'm still trapped. Trapped in a nervous system that learned to survive by flight or freezing. I either run away and hide or I become stiff, even more in the way but with no ability to stop it. It's infuriating for everyone around me, I'm useless in any remotely tense situation. My body just thinks every little thing means I'm going to die and there's nothing I can do about it. My friendships, my job, my relationships are suffering from it. I'm fucking useless and no one believes that but I can't shake the feeling that I'm just in the way. I'm taking up space in everyone's day just to be an inconvenience. Everyone has to work a little harder because I just can't keep up. It's always been this way and I've always known it. I don't have any hope that it can change.

It's passive ideation, not active, but it's on my mind every day and i feel like I'm losing my mind because killing myself is not an option it would hurt too many people and it always comes back to Mango. She'd never understand what happened to me and I can't do that to her. There just is no light at the end of the tunnel. There's not even any end, all I see is a black void anything more than a month or two ahead. My ptsd makes me unable to even imagine a future because I'm so deeply stuck in survival mode. I was raised in survival mode. I only know how to live for right now and every aspect of my life is suffering because of it. Every day feels closer to my inevitable doom, because the void is closing in sooner and sooner in the future and when I try to think of what to do about it my mind is just blank

I'll live today and I'll live tomorrow because I'm too much of a coward to off myself but those thoughts are really starting to scare me because what if I hit the void? What if I'm suddenly there, where there's no path forward, just nothingness where the only thing I can think to do is die?