Jack from Online

They let me hit because I was a court jester in a past life and whispered things both wise and whimsical in mine liege’s ear

usually when you have a stomach bug your body is like yes sir we'll get this punk out of here, 48 hours tops. then you get a cold and your body is like I dunno ... between a few hours and eleven months ... maybe a week minimum .... you gotta understand we're short staffed

I've got to find myself more macrophage

Now Hiring: macrophages

immunesystem.com/careers/macrophage

if theyre not big why do they call them that

beer isn't really worth it in the grand scheme of better things to drink but I do partake every now and again to go "oakenshield mode" regardless

three beers got me clapping my hand on my meekest friend's shoulder saying "my friend, I think we shall die in this place" and then laughing, presumably at fate

WTF this is masterful, 10/10.

Other people have said this in notes, but the Bulwer-Lytton contest involves writing the most absurd opener you can think of and submitting it to the contest. It's not a judgment like the Razzies or the bad sex in books award or something; it's a game. Diana Murtaugh of Baltimore is to be congratulated for this win.

if i was walter white id be cooking up vyvanse in that lab. And my family would love me. And id be a hero. Hank would find out but he'd turn a blind eye. If the feds find out the whole community would rise up to defend me. We are all Heisenberg. Big pharma would be over.

Lol. I'm waiting on child support + my account's -$100 again... Pls help if you can, thanks. ✌️💕

$25/$100

Come, you simply must meet my associates! This woman right here is a delightful pervert of sorts, and this fellow here, he’s some kind of a fucking idiot.

AAA video game publisher voice: "Look. The goose layed a golden egg, and that's nice! Everyone loved that egg. But keeping the golden goose means paying for bird feed and I don't want to, so I killed the goose."