the squishmallow pile

✨💫🌙💫✨

| —> Rae

23

She/Her

Absolutely chaotic goblin

DID system of three. Registered: [Rae] • [Yuri] | Unregistered: [REDACTED]

Hobbies: mixed-media art • writing • engaging with kitty friend • napping the sheer stress of it all away • gaming • watching anime (particularly horror)

Likes: calm environments/controlled chaos • salty food • winter weather • pats on the head • pepsi

Dislikes: crowds • pitch-black areas • politics • religion • folk who make my hair stand on end

| —> General Disclaimer(s)

This blog contains mature and triggering content. I do not tag my posts, except for the ones that are my real thoughts (tagged as #smog talks). ⚠️SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK⚠️ May include, but is not limited to the following:

Visuals of weapons

Visuals of blood

Visuals of pills/drugs

Discussion of violent acts*

Jokes involving/about violent acts*

Extreme true crime

Nudity (typically tasteful/artful, but not always)

Disturbing visuals involving mental illness*

Eye strain

Gore art

Horror art

DISCLAIMER FOR MARKED WARNINGS: I am a trauma survivor. I have done all but fuck the reaper at this point. I use jokes as a coping mechanism. If you do not like that, I understand and support you; however, I ask you kindly to simply leave and block.

This blog is meant to be my, as well as my alters’, escape from reality; a place we can temporarily block out all of the world’s problems. We no longer wish to post /see whatever about anything regarding politics, the antics of brain dead billionaires, or environmental disasters. Here, we want to pretend those problems do not exist, so we may cope with stress more appropriately irl. We do not discriminate with the block and unfollow buttons due to this. Respect our wish, and we will respect you.

I’m so fucking tired of constantly having to explain to the same people that I can’t match my tone to the way I actually feel. 90% of the time, if I’m happy, sad, neutral, or excited, I just get told I “sound angry” or that I’m “acting mad” or, my personal favorite, that I need to “drop the attitude”.

But to me it genuinely doesn’t sound like that. To me it just sounds like normal talking. And when people accuse me of being angry when I’m legitimately not, that pisses me the fuck off. That actually makes me mad. Especially when people close to me, who claim to understand that this is an issue I genuinely have no control over, say it to me. I’ve spent, at the very least, ten fucking years trying to fix this. Possibly more that I don’t remember/wasn’t aware of. Nothing works, because it’s literally how I was fucking born. You can’t change genetic coding.

This isn’t something I can just turn off. I understand that it’s probably really, reaaaally off putting, and more than likely could be seen as offensive. But I wish these people would put themselves in my fucking shoes for once. At least try to understand how I see it.

Picture this: you’re sitting with a group of friends, family, acquaintances, whatever. You’re all having a nice conversation. You make a statement to continue said conversation. And even though to your ears, it sounded like a perfectly rational, calm thing to say, suddenly everybody looks at you with confusion, concern, or downright rage. They ask you, “why the fuck are you angry?” Now, you’re confused, because all you did was contribute to the conversation. You start to question what you did wrong. You start to wonder if you should have worded it differently, if that would have even mattered. You genuinely are not aware that you may have sounded mean or upset. You don’t have an answer, because to you, it just sounded like a normal sentence. And so, scared now that you’ll upset someone else just by existing, you go silent, completely ceasing to talk. After a while, you quietly exit the group to avoid another conflict. That’s how most of my conversations go.

And, seriously, how many times should I have to re-explain this to people? The same people nonetheless?? I can change a lot about myself, but I can’t change how I was born or what I was born with. I can’t change the fact I have autism. It’s not like my depression and anxiety, which can be managed or “turned off” with the correct medication. It’s literally how my brain is wired.

I wish people would listen to me when I say “pay attention to the words I’m saying, not the tone in which I say them”. I’m basically begging the general population to use that advice. And if you’re unsure, just fucking ask me!! A simple “hold on, are you actually angry, or is it the autism thing?” Or something similar would clear up pretty much any confusion. But no. It’s easier to just say I sound angry, tell me to calm down when I already am calm, tell me to drop the attitude, call me a bitch, etc.