There’s this one room in my office that we call the bullpen. It’s where all the producers were, commercial and features producers. A long narrow room with too many people squeezed in, constant phones ringing, music playing, people yelling sometimes, just total chaos.
Normally the door is closed and locked when no one is in there, but it was left open today. Probably for cleaning or something.
I walked in there for a minute, just to see, and it was so quiet. And it hit me really hard then how much I miss those people. It was overwhelming honestly, a feeling of loss that I wasn’t actually expecting. I hurried back to my room and had to cry a little. It really caught me off guard.
And it’s not my first time back in the office. Us “essential” people have been taking turns coming in since late August, but I think back then there was still so much stress and anxiety, because the pandemic wasn’t over, and having to deal with that and trying to stay safe kind of occupied my whole mind. That and trying to dust off the cobwebs of the office (sometimes literally) and get things back in working order.
So even though I thought about it then, it didn’t really hit me because we were very much still in it.
But now this has become routine, and especially being even just partially vaccinated I’m a lot more relaxed.
So when I walked into that room and it was dead silent, and I saw all the relics from 14 months ago, and sticky notes people left for themselves and each other, and the photo booth pictures from our last Christmas party, it really just hurt a lot.
I hate how much this pandemic has taken from us. I hate that I was finally in a pretty good place and surrounded by really good people and that was taken from me. I hate knowing that I’ll probably never see some of them again, and I never got to say goodbye.
I know my company isn’t perfect, far from it. And there are plenty of people at my job who I don’t like and would be happy to never see again. But for everyone else? All of those good people that were kind to me and made me smile again, and believed in me when no one else did? Even if just for a day, I desperately wish I could have them back.
