as small as a world and as large as alone.

at the fucking vet again staring at the wall thinking to myself "after this i will never get a cat again" because i was sure that this would be the time. this would be the time they would actually die, like all those times when they were kittens and i couldnt hear them and i thought "now they're dead. they were struck by lightning in the middle of my bedroom and they're dead." because i might be cursed? maybe? the curse that makes me sick in the head is also the curse that makes my cats die. maybe im not meant to have anything for myself, to give me comfort or stay in my bed at night. all these months of having my boys breathing into my ear and following my footsteps and falling asleep at my throat means that they're heading straight towards death fast fast fast faster than i run after them.

the guilt is eating me alive even though i'm sitting here now looking at them, alive but full of painkillers and antibiotics and antibacterial whatever the fuck.

if i never loved them none of them would be dead.

this morning i woke up to a strange cat under my bed. who knows how long he'd been there, but my own two cats did nothing about it??? defend this home guys

i just got back from the swimming pool, where i discovered that one of my new lobe piercings was missing its stud and was CRAZY swollen. what the fuck happened there

i scored an insane fb deal yesterday; two pieces of jewelry by an icelandic designer. got 455$ earrings + necklace for 165$!!!!

im on week ???? of heated rivalry induced psychosis. i cant think about anything else.

related: i've realised i want love soooo bad BUT i do nothing to get it or date anyone at all. crazy it took a gay hockey show to start thinking about this fr HAHA!!!!!

ANYwayyy

some days are just so weird that i KNOW that if i weren’t on Drugz™ i would be drowning in my own tears. i feel like clawing off my skin im just so DEEPLY uncomfortable with myself and my life and my thoughts.

what the fuck am i even doing