PTSD MADE ME DO IT

I dreamt of this moment for years. Over and over and over again replaying every missed opportunity every failed attempt at redemption. Your memory lingers in my mind haunting every corner inside my brain. Old situations that made me question my sanity by your words of deceitful misdirection. I've made peace with who I am and how I have changed my life is all for the better. I am the man who my daughter can be proud of. Then you call me out of the blue with words of mislabeled intentions. I miss you I love you are the words you say to me. But what really meant I'm alone and a fuck is what I  need. My heart clings to those words miss and love and without a second thought I am on the first plane headed to the backwood Sonoran Desert. Thinking and hoping  that this is the long awaited meeting between two lost souls reuniting at last. Bodies we embrace words erased with the primal need to exchange lustful fuck faces. I worship your body and my lips savor you remembering every taste. You were all I ever wanted and prayed for. Blinded by my misconception of you I fell back into the webs you weave with your silver tongue. Again the lies start to fill every conversation and the knot in the middle of my stomach gone for years it's back bringing back the feeling I've long forgotten. Your attempt to make me feel crazy for my observation of your ill tendencies fall short this time. My mind is clear and not clouded by consumption. You know that I know your spitting lies in my direction but so committed to the reality you've created for yourself louder the words of accusation get and  I concede to end another argument. So blamed again for another moment in time I lie next to you next to the person who I thought was the other half of my soul. I slowly die inside because I meant every word and every kiss every thing sacrificed. Only to have them die in vain. With so much pain in my chest I'll smile fake nice the best I can. Bide my time until I can board that plane to the mile hi and never come back again. I will always have love for you and I'll never love another you held my soul. When I gave it to you I meant those words. you decided what to do with it. You choose a shallow grave covered in sweet nothing's to mask the bitter taste of betrayal. I went against every fiber in my being. Listened to wickedness spill off your tongue, in the hope that you were just like me an injured soul looking for a companion to the long torment of this life. But in my infatuation for you I allowed myself to be infected by your deceit. Here I am again witnessing in real time my own demise orchestrated by my free will. You sit there and play your part perfect in tune and on time playing a masterful chaotic symphony of destruction. And in the void of this paradox of pain and anger. My only sense of belonging is when I'm in the middle of your vortex. The hope of love is gone and the thaught of a souls mate disappear into the eternal void of time. Life won't change until you change your life. Starting in the silence of conscienceless the paradigm needs to change to truly awake.

Today by my own hands  I have pushed the love of my life away for good. I betrayed her honor and and our love that we shared. Almost a year later and the joy has yet been replaced in my heart. I avoid the comforta of sleep because her memory haunts my every dream. I occupy my body physically consumed daily while my mind space  entangled in logistical aptitudes just to keep my sanity. But without fail the moment I find myself greathing fresh air for a meaningful moment. Her memory consumes my soul once again. It's almost as if time never passes our storys end. The smell of her hair engulfs my lungs the sound of her one in a million giggle the God that sound I would make myself look like an ass daily just to hear it's holistic harmony. Then her smile blinds me as if I stared at the sun too long the brightness takes over all I see. When I think I'm about to regain my senses her voice rings louder then all the bells of Notre Dame. And like Quasimodo's cathedral of imprisonment. I too am helpless paralyzed by fear of a world without her. She is all I've ever loved all I've ever known all that I wanted to hold. I will replay this soundtrack to my own hell daily until my last breath

Thank you for one of the best weeks of my life. This past week has been one of the most memorable of my life. God I have missed you. Your laughter your smile,the green and gold in your eyes, the way you say my name. I've dreamt of this moment for the last three years, thinking I would never have the chance to look into your eyes and tell you I love you. As we reach our final hours to end this week, there is a heaviness inside my chest. For i.know this will be the last time we will be together. We hope for the best but our lives ar headed in two different directions. You have a life that's calling for you that I have no part in and I've sat on the sidelines and watched life pass me by on the hopes of reuniting our souls and being bound. Seeing how much you hav blossomed and have grown affirms that our paths should not cross again. I love you with all my heart and soul and will always love you. But I can't just watch life pass m.by anymore. I want to be in love and be loved. I want to share.my life with someone. You wanted to make a pact agreeing to that pact would only 0 that I am not right for you. That means we are eachothers last resort that's not good for eather of us. So I will kiss you and love you tonight for I know there will not be a tomorrow that's holds a future for you and I. I want nothing more than to see you happy and thrive. Know I will be encouraging you and supporting you from afar. If you need anything I will always be there for you. I love you.

I loved you since the first day I met you and have spent the last 3 years missing you and longing for your touch. You spark the light in my life you are truly my soulss eternal connection. I drown in your beauty happily knowing that your beauty will drag me to the deep of the my eternal damnation. I grin and bite my teeth knowing that your presence is a bullet through my chest piercing my soul. Cripples heart bleeding I plea on my knees begging to breathe you in one last time before my eyes close for the last time. Let me dream one last time of swimming in your milkey way of cosmic radience.

The taste of summer is bitter sweet. It's a long awaited reunion followed by the solemn sound of a dreams final breath. A soul once ablaze with love and passion turned to an urn engulfed in flames of life's ugly truth. The soul mate is just the brain attaching itself to a hope that has never existed. Only imagined inside the contours of your skull in complete darkness and silence. We whisper thoughts and desires into our minds convincing ourselves that love truly exists. When in fact love doesn't exist anger doesn't exist. Our lives are full of experiences and our conscience that little voice that only you hear provides the details that manifest into a reality of love or hate. We allow our internal monologue to depict how we navigate this life. Life's experiences are neither good or bad happy or sad. They are all neutral having no intent. It's how we transmute them which depicts our outcome. True love doesn't exist. Love is intangible and a complete fabrication of our own minds fear of loneliness. Once we embrace this idea we can truly set ourselves free from the chains and burdens of a desperate existence. One filled with longing and sadness and jealousy and betrayal. We can live life enjoy the company we keep when we have it and be content and happy when you are the only one left. There is no difference between companionship and solitude everything is just an experience that comes and goes nothing more.

Another night, I'm caught stuck long distant trippin. Missing the way I used to feel when we would lie in the others embrace. I know your far away sleeping safe and sound. Which gives me comfort knowing that. I miss you sara in more ways then the obvious. I miss you on many levels. You are an amazing friend. The most loyal lady even when given reason to say fuck it it you never falted focused and goal oriented strong loving mother. I have no other words. It's just empty.

Dump the old shit and fill my life with new positive like minded things. The old me is screaming just waiting to break free and finally move forward in a direction free of doubt because the only doubt I had is now in the rearview

Everyday that passes it gets clearer and clearer that my lonely is owned solely by me and my actions. Fate has smiled on me and I spit in its face with selfish pride and dissatisfaction and fists that went from gripping the hands of my loved one to smashing through glass when our life crashed now hold firm and steady fingers wrapped tightly around the steel index finger gently touching the hair of this pistol grip remembering for the last time to squeeze softly and finally put the end to this life of a worthless sinner. Let my final cry be lost in the deafening silence of just another midnight trigger

I hate when my mind wont shut off even hours after something happened. I'll dwell on it dissect it breaking down replay scenarios from months even years prior relating to the situation. My mind makes it's own assumptions of the reality making me actually sick to my stomach because 90 percent of the time I'm right. So I toss and turn hating myself for letting myself look like a fool. Fuck I hate remembering everything sometimes I wish I didn't my life would be so much happier and easier

Goid bye old friendly best friend I knew this day would eventually come. Never thought it would be this soon but yet here we are. We lost everything that once made us special. We've battled for so long and hard over shit that never mattered orchestrated from our own hands we have found our demise. Good luck to you on your new adventures and this new chapter in your life. I'm so happy for you and proud if you become you deserve so many good things in this life I'm sorry I failed AMD was a downfall not an inspiration love always - Zac

I blame myself for my own heartache. I placed myself on 5g3 dangerous path only to be kissed by the flames

This bitch lol

Soon the air will around you will stale and quiet. There will be no more murmurs or talk of me. I've left never to return. The battles that I've beaten have ultimately won. I lost too much of myself to move on. Goodbye to the ones I love I'm sorry for what I've done